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I am stuck, I want out
2003-03-12, 3:05 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Random thought of mine:

Childhood is for spoiling adulthood and

adulthood is for spoiling childhood...

we do not belong together.

Random quote:

"Make sure that when you are ready to have kids, you wake up that morning thinking, 'I could never have sex again'"

-Ray Romano

Anywho, this week has been hell. I feel like I am in mud, and I can't get out. I'm in quicksand, and my parents are dangling a really strong rope right above my hands. Its possible to get out, but I am too tired. Perhaps I'm too lazy. I am slowing down, hoping that they will lower that beautiful rope. When I get ahold of that rope, its payback time.

I was doing my math homework last night, and I have lost my calculator. How the hell can I do my math homework without a calculator!??!?!?!?!!

My Mom hates me right now. She has gone through with my Dad's "honor system" and has totally screwed up. I am not the screwed up one. I have yelled the word shit to her face. That's it though. She called me a son of a bitch, haha, and yesterday she smacked my back!!!

I am such a son of a bitch for that. I was telling her that I lost my calculator, and I guess I sounded a little demanding when I told her I needed a new one. I even walked to my high school to see if I had just misplaced it. Nope.

This morning, I woke up a little later than usual. Then I got dressed, did my bathroom stuff, got my stuff all ready to take to school, put on my coat and hat, and walked upstairs. Nobody was there. Then I could hear Mom and my little sister yelling. Typical morning.

Mom came downstairs and told me to start going. Then I noticed that Dad's car was not outside. He left me, and so I had to walk to school for my first time. In the cold and in the morning.

I am all on my own now. I just want out. I want to run away. I want to go to Florida to see my grandparents. I want to visit my cousins house. I want to go to McB's. I want to go to Vicky's. I want out.

My Mom and I are totally not getting along right now. Right now, when I need her. That's the truth, the terrible truth. In my whole life, I have always hated fighting, I hate yelling, and I hate living here.

I want my own car. I want my own house. I want to get away from my family. I want out.

If I had those things, then I would not need my Mom. I am stuck here, right here, and I have nothing to do. I want this thing to be over with. I want my life back. I want to be happier, but I am stuck. I can't do what I want.

My parents have no fucking idea what they are doing. They are teaching me to hate them. To HATE them. They just are clueless, and they seriously think that they are helping me.

Well, guess what. They don't know their son. I am going to control myself now. I am going to get my evil grades up. My Dad says I need atleast a 3.0 in every class. Well, biology is just too hard. I can talk to my Mom. She will help me because I will talk calm. I will say that I am sorry for how I have acted. I will be careful. I will work hard. Then, I will have my TV back. I will be able to play with my lovely playstation. I will have friends over to my house again. I will be happy, and this diary will be so cool.

BUT... then they will have lost their son. He will no longer be happy with them. He will not care about their problems. He will no longer have those great parent talks that I am so good at having. He will not watch movies with them. He will respect them, for now. He will still live in their house. He will still eat with them. He will still live in their basement.

I am saying all of this shit now. What am I going to do about it?

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