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Phuqitol
2003-03-15, 1:09 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Well, it is nice and warm out. Its bright out, and that makes me happy. That also means that Shadow can run away from home without getting cold. Dammit. I have been outside for the last 10 minutes looking for Shadow. That scared the shit out of me. I let her out to "go" and she goes away. I was thinking the whole time that when I find her, I am going to beat the shit out of her. I always feel that. I feel that I want to yell at her and hug her at the same time. She's home safe now though. I don't think I will ever let her outside again, and if you are wondering, I hugged her.

Last night was a better night, I guess. I wanted to go for a walk to get away from my fuckin family. I was so mad, last night, and I am at the point where I feel hate all of the time. Yeah, I thought maybe that my parents were going to give me paradise for the weekend, but you have to go to paradise, its never at home.

I told my parents that I was going for a walk right after dinner. They wanted to know where I was going, and where I was going to be, and how long I was going to be gone and...

They acted like they gave a fuck about me. Kinda made me mad because I don't feel like they care about me. They don't!

So, I just answered their goddamned questions and I walked out the front door. When I got to the end of my driveway, I started thinking that I didn't need a walk. I still walked, and I couldn't understand why. I had nothing goin on at home. I walked past the highschool, and past the middle school. This was at 9 o'clock, and it was very dark. I felt like Forrest Gump "I just felt like running," but I walked because running sucks. I hate running. I was on the track team for 7th grade, and that was the worst year of my life. This is just the worst week of my life, and its been longer than a week now.

Anywho, after every every other step that I took I slipped because the sidewalks are covered with fuckin ice. It was cold, and the more I walked the more dark and wet it was. I walked through water in one area. That made my feet cold, and it hurt. I have frost bite on my hands and feet. They always hurt when they get cold. I'm complaining. Dammit. I could have turned around but I had no fuckin reason.

Then I saw my Mom's van drive right past the road I was on, and I knew she was looking for me. This is why I didn't stop at Vicky's, because I knew that my parents were going to come looking for me. And, I would have come uninvited. After about five minutes, I saw her van come down my road, and she went right past me. She didn't fuckin see me. I didn't care, maybe she just went to the grocery store to get something. I walked around the block which turned me around. I went behind the middle school to get home, and walked in around 10. Then my Dad picked up the phone and told Mom that I was home. Fuck.

When Mom got home, she needed to go to the grocery store, and wanted me to drive. Whoa, I am the most pissed off person because that walk didn't help at all. So, I drove Mom up to the grocery store. Not out grocery store in town, another one, far far away. Long drive.

I am sick of everything now. The movie at our local Sun theater is "Old School." None of my friends can go see that. Perhaps I'll see it tomorrow, alone. I have nothing else to do this weekend. I have nothing, no one, and I am not allowed on this computer. I have some science homework. I can do that. That'll be a whole lotta fun.

McB is busy this weekend. I don't really go to anyone else's house. I have a headache. I'm complaining.

I just got a really good new idea for a medicine. Well, actually I got this idea from someone else, and I am thinking about it.

We have Zoloft, Prozac, and we need another drug that covers it all:

Phuqitol.

If you didn't read that right, or can't pronounce it because you can't read, it is FUCK-it-all. I had to make the word look like the name of other medicines.

I am depressed because nobody loves me...

Phuqitol

I don't feel anything, I don't care about anything...

Phuqitol

I care too much about others, and I wanna talk to someone...

Phuqitol

Then you could talk to yourself, and figure shit out. That's a good idea. Those are just some situations for others. Not really me. My parents love me, right? I care about others. No sarcasm there.

I have nothing to do this weekend...

Phuqitol

Since its the weekend, I stayed up last night thinking that I didn't have to get up the next morning. No school today. I have been staying up very late each night this week. Well, not that late, only 3 o'clock in the morning. Last night around 1, I finally thought that I needed to get up from my dinner table and go to bed. I went to my room and turned on my nightlight, and it went out.

Yes, people, I have to have a nightlight. I am not afraid of the dark at all. I just hate the dark. Not afraid, dark is depressing. I sleep in the basement, and it is extremely dark. I have a nightlight, and I must sleep with something. For my 15th birthday my Mom got me a body pillow, and it is so awesome. Uh, I get up after I sleep for about 3 hours every night to do something. I walk around like a zombie and get a drink or even get something to eat. I also must have some kind of sound when I am going to sleep. I have some audio tapes that I made of some great TV shows. Mostly "Everybody Loves Raymond," of course. I listen to those everynight.

There's me.

So, my nightlight went out, and I turned on my closet light, and read some "Calvin and Hobbes" over my bed. At 2 o'clock, I chose to turn off my closet light to see what it was like to be in the dark with nothing except my nice big pillow. It was scary, because then around 4 o'clock, after I had been sleeping for a while, I woke up. I was very tired, and I needed a drink. I sat up, and noticed there was no light. I saw somebody standing in my room. They were right there. Just standing, in the dark. Not moving at all. I was just sitting up in my bed letting him stare at me, and then when I went back to sleep, he would kill me. I was unarmed, and this was scary. I was too tired to fight. This would be the perfect scary movie here. Being to tired to fight, and you don't know if he is real or not. I am seeing things. That is some kind of mental disorder. Schizophrenia, "split minds," not being able to tell if something is real or not. I don't think I have that problem, because I knew that this figure in the dark was unreal. So I laid back in my bed, and put my hands under my head. I relaxed. If he was something evil, like a killer or something, am I afraid of death?

I woke up this morning thinking of reasons to get up. I had no reason to get up. Then I thought of this diary. That's a good enough reason.

Phuqitol

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