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good weekEND
2003-03-22, 10:42 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

I just got back from Spags. Last night I was at Doug's. My weekend is over. I have nothing to do tomorrow. Tomorrow will be terrible.

I was at Spags with Chelsey, Vicky, and Justin. It was a lot of fun. We stayed there for the longest time yet.

At Doug's I stayed up all night with the guys. McB, Ryan Mo, Brandon, Eric, and Doug. Yesterday, I had Byrdman come over to my house right after school. Then I called my Mom up and asked her if it was okay that Brandon had come over. Then I told her about Doug's. I wait all week to tell my parents that I am doing something, so then they can't tell me things like "If you don't do this you are going to lose out on this weekend." I'm smart. Mom wasn't happy at all that I let Brandon walk home with me. She still wouldn't let me get my TV out of the Fat One's room. So I brought my ps2 upstairs to use that TV.

I didn't want to go to Doug's, and I almost didn't. I wanted my goddamned TV back, and I asked my Mom if I didn't go I could get my TV back. Then Doug actually called me up and I said that I was coming. So with Eric's Xbox we played a lot of Halo and Nightfire. The Xbox is better than the Game Cube now.

I actually had a lot of fun. I haven't played video games in a long time, and this was a lot of fun. Halo is a really good game. We finally started calming down and at around 6:30 we looked at what was happening in the war. I didn't want to watch though. I was the last one to get to sleep, but I didn't watch any of that. They changed the channel a couple times. We woke up at 9 something. Two hours of sleep. Two and a half hours. I came home, and ate a little bit for lunch and took a shower and then fell asleep. I was supposed to pick Justin up for Spags at around 6:00. I messed that up, my nap went out of control. This is why I hate napping. I never sleep during the day unless its an accident. It takes me so long to actually fall asleep but I was laying there listening to some music and waiting for the computer that the Fat One just got on. I always mess something up by napping.

So I wake up at 6:25 and I was pissed off. I got ready and put on one of my new shirts. Then called and got Justin and went to Spags. We looked around for them and couldn't find them. We waited for a couple minutes. Justin made a joke that they stood us up. That would have been fine with me. I wished that. They were in the corner of the restaurant though. They had been waiting for about 45 minutes. My Mom is always late to these things no matter what. My Mom is very disorganised and doesn't do anything right.

We had so much fun at Spags. This had to be my favorite time there ever. I didn't want to leave. Vicky and Chelsey were up till about 3:00 and Vicky was tired. Chelsey had a lot of fun with Justin tonight. Chelsey had a lot of fun. She didn't seem tired at all. I was tired. I had just woken up. I am wide awake now though. I had a lot of fun.

This is terrible though. I have gone to extremely fun to my normal life. No TV, ps2, or using computer besides homework is now my normal life. Its been three weeks. My Mom won't give me my TV back no matter what until I raise my grade in that class. Perhaps I had "too much fun" tonight.

Well, I have been talking to my cousin a little more lately. She's not very enthusiastic while talking to me. I think I really messed up with her. Oops, nevermind. She just blocked me on IM. I have fucked up with her. Damn, and that pisses me off. Seriously. I can't believe this. She's so fucking pissed me off. GOD DAMN it! I can't believe this is happening. What the fuck is she thinking??? Holy shit. I'm so FUCKING pissed off, and I cannot describe how bad my feeling are hurt. FUCKING FEELINGS. Everybody has feelings, and she's fucked with mine. I'm swearing way too much, I know, but I'm not going to stop. I'm so...dammit.

Pissing me off is a very bad thing because I never get pissed off. I will never be pissed off at my friends. I get pissed off at my family only. Not my cousins. Until now. Katie is the one who fucked up. Not me. I haven't blocked her off my buddy list yet. I have no reason too anymore. She fucked up, not me.

She also told me in the last couple of days that Papa has plans for another one of my cousins to come down and see him. Julie gets to go to Florida. Julie is the oldest cousin on my Dad's side of the family.

Hang on. DAMN! I am so calm when I type, but right now I am mad and very sad. I am not sad, actually, just angry. I had so much fun tonight, and now losing Katie has hurt me. I've lost her. I won't talk to her now. She's being the immature one. She is making the stupid decision. She made the problem. We were the best of friends over this past year, and she screwed with it. She doesn't care about me. She and I are nothing now. I have to say this, its making me feel better. I feel so fucking sick right now. She FUCKING PISSED ME OFF! I AM NEVER PISSED OFF. FUCK! WHY THE HELL? I am beating myself here. This has happened before. Fuck.

A couple summers ago I said something really bad about her concerning her weight. I didn't realise I said anything bad at the time, and right after I said whatever I said I remember it didn't bother her. Then after about an hour later my Dad called asked me what I said and told me to go see Katie and apologise. Then when I go to her, the whole fucking family was around her calling me evil and stuff. They hated me that day. I can't believe I said what I said that day. I didn't notice it which is so fucking terrible. I HATED myself and complained the whole ride home that Katie was being stupid. She wasn't being stupid at all. I said something hurtful and I had to get her back. I just said hi at my cousin Julie's graduation and then we talked and we were friends. I also did a lot of bad things that night. My parents went back home because they had to take care of Shadow, and I got to sleep with about five of Julie's friends that night on the floor. We drank, and I actually attempet stand up comedy, but I guess I was to loud and Aunt Cathy told me to be quiet. I told so many jokes. SEX jokes. I even had "jello shots" that were awesome. Jello with alchohol. I had so much fun that night too. Katie was drinking a lot that night because she was having problems with her Mom. I drank all of the drinks she got out to stop her from drinking. I am such a great cousin. I was 14 years old too. That week with my cousins and my new best friend, Katie, was one of the greatest weeks of my life. Katie and I talked every night and everything. I even stuck out to Taco Bell at around 1:00 one night with Julie. I'll have to talk about that some other time. I've never been drunk, and that was the last time I drank anything. I feel a lot better now though. I may never have Katie to talk to again. I may never ask for her advice again. I loved talking to her. She is a teenager, my age, and I liked hearing what she would do in my situation. I am now realising that she makes bad choices, and I am doing the right thing. She is mad at me even though she says she isn't. She says that she is "taking out anger and frustration" on me. She doesn't give a fuck about me anymore. Probably never did. She never warned me and told me I was hurting her by not taking advice she gave me. I wasn't really asking for advice. I just wanted to talk and see what she thinks about what's going on with me. She has taken something that was never a problem and killed our relationship. I don't feel like talking about Julie anymore, like I was.

What happened was I was going to Florida with Katie. Now Julie is going to Florida for Spring Break, and I can't anymore. Katie doesn't care. She doesn't fucking care that she isn't going to Florida with me. She doesn't care about me, and I will not forget this. I had so much fun tonight with my friends. My best friends. Well, I think about it and guess what!!! I can't go to Spags with my best friends in Florida. This is Katie's loss only. In Florida the only thing I love is spending time with Papa. We have the best talks ever. I don't get to see him for Spring Break now. I probably wouldn't have gone anyways because my parents wouldn't have let me go, but its still really bad. I'll get to see my friends more. It'll be nice and warm out, and I'll be able to walk into town with McB to get a pop and rent a movie. I'll get to talk to him instead of Katie. McB is one of my best friends. He is a friend. Friends shouldn't do what Katie is doing. She is being immature and actually stupid. Katie is not a stupid person at all.

I can't belive this is happening. Just a little thing like blocking me on IM made me feel really bad. I feel sick. I feel terrible. I am tired of this honor system that my parents have me on. When I get my Math grade up, then I can deal with Katie. Right now I am actually hoping that we become friends again. Nobody should hate me. I may do some really stupid things, but this time I didn't. I didn't do anything to Katie. I didn't know I was doing anything to Katie. Whoa. I am actually crying. I have a tear running down my cheak. I guess I am sad. Fuck this.

Two hours ago, I would never think that this could be happening. I was having the time of my life two hours ago. Haha, my new shirt smells like Spags.

*sigh*

I am happy right now. I am happy if I think about tonight. This tear has not gone away. Its just there. I feel it, and I hate it. Katie hurt me so bad by blocking me. I don't care. Talking to her now will only make me feel bad. Just talking to her. I want to talk to her though. I want to end this, but now its not going to happen. Not for a long time. Maybe never. That would suck, but I won't let it hurt me.

Its really late now. I've been on IM talking and this entry took a long time. I should go to bed. This is a happy ending to tonight.

My weekend is all over though. Shit, I need to stop thinking. Nothing to do tomorrow. DAMN. Stop it! Haha. Oh man.

Okay, I'll call up McB and I'll go to his house for the day tomorrow. Okay, I'm happy again. I need to stop thinking when I'm ahead.

Goooooodnight.

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