Don't judge a weekend by how it starts.
If you do. Maybe you don't. I'm sure that most people don't. I wouldn't know though, because I'm not most people.
Shadow is chasing her tail and has been for a couple months. Her ear thing is not really getting better. Its really disgusting and I think my parents are finally going to do something about it. Maybe. I hope so.
The weather is depressing. Its so nasty out. Earlier it was windy as fuck. Fuck is everything, by the way. Fuck is the most of everything. Haha, I just made that up, but it sounds cool, and I use the word like that enough.
Me swearing. I hate swearing. I swear to much, I know. You know. Haha, "let's go!" You wanna go?
That rhymes. It's a song, I'm sure of it. "I know, you know, let's go..." Something like that. I'm getting off track, and the track hasn't even started.
Anywho, this weekend. Started awesome. AWESOME. Friday, Vicky's house, oh yeah. Saturday was okay. Well, Saturday actually sucked.
It started out, by me waking up at SIX in the morning. Whoa, HUGE personal record there for me. The whole day I wanted to go see "X2" with Justin. I talked to him. I made sure that understood the "no promises" that I kept saying, but I also think I got him all excited about last night. When I shouldn't have. I do that all the time.
I do that to myself. No matter what it is, I think that its gonna happen, and then it doesn't. Sometimes. Actually, haha, I don't do that to myself. Only others. Which is worse anyways.
I also told Vicky that I was gonna go into town to rent a movie and invited her. Which I didn't do. McB called me, and I don't know what the hell I was thinking but I went over there. I talked to him.
He didn't get to go to that party after he came to Vicky's. He couldn't. He stopped by at someone else's party though. His mom was being a bitch all day, I guess. She had him cleaning all yesterday. Except when I came over. Later last night his mom went to a cocktail party and Ryan Mo was over. McB told me to call him if I couldn't go to the movie.
When I got home it was kinda late, and I didn't feel like going into town, AAAAh. Terrible, but I called Vicklo and asked her to go to X-Men 2. She wasn't there. She went to Chelsey's house. Thank God. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I'm sure that's gonna be huge at the Academy Awards. Just kidding. I'll see it.
But I talked to my uncle today, and I think that I'm going to see "The Matrix: Reloaded" this weekend. I had better call him. That would be a huge Jackass moment that would really effect me. I must see it. Justin has been wanting to see a movie for so long, but I'm afraid, being the Jackass that I am, I'm gonna call Doug up. NO promises...ever. But, I'll see what I can do. Seriously though, I haven't been to a movie with Doug in so long. Too long.
I capitalized the "Jackass" up there for no reason. I didn't choose to, that's just how it turned out. Sometimes I capitalize Mom and sometimes I don't. I don't know how that happens. Whenever I say "my mom" I don't capitalize it. That's just me.
Okay, since Friday, this weekend has actually sucked. No reason, just boring, and I have been a Jackass to everyone this weekend. BUT I am the person of the day. According to Vicky. Haha, I have always wanted to read that. Chelsey has been, Tessa has been, and now me. I don't wanna sound like a Jackass even more because I am the person of the day and you aren't but this feels like an award. Haha, this is really niiice. I never have a "person of the day." Well, it would probably be the same person for so long. Perhaps I should have a person of the week... no because I don't know enough people, I guess. Though, my "Cast of Characters" is longer than other's. I need to edit it. Plus I say nothing about these people. I could write more. Well, I should, but probably won't. Some other time. I'm the person of the day right now, and this fucking day is almost over. AAAh!
Though I have been a Jackass all weekend.
I talked to Chelsey. I don't think I can say what we talked about but, so much of that talking made me feel good. Though, I think it hurt so bad. I cannot explain it, so this sounds like a bunch of shit. The entry is over, by the way.
This is why I would ever consider stopping this diary. Though, SHIT, I won't stop because I can't stop. That's not a promise either, I don't make promises. I try not to.
When I write these entries, like I am, I think of all of you people. Every one of you are getting into my head, except NOT getting in far enough. If I had my own diary that nobody would read, I wouldn't write in it. I have no audience. I would have no reason to say anything funny. I know you're still reading, and I thank you. Haha, and I hope you think at least some of what I say is funny.
Last night, I talked to Chelsey. I wouldn't leave without her saying "bye" or something like that. Even though she did before, we kept talking and THEN we needed to end the conversation. The conversation was about her liking me. She likes me, and has liked me, and I've known about it. I've known for so long and thought that by making her talk to me about it. Peer pressuring her, and then saying that I wasn't peer pressuring her. I knew she wanted to talk to me about it. Why else would she keep bringing it up?
And I thought she was bringing it up to talk to me about it.
But she kept saying all this good stuff about me. I asked her why she would like me and she said something like she didn't know why anyone WOULDN'T like me. So, hey that's a really great thing for me to hear. But it hurt, because I know it was SO NOT fucking true.
If that were true, for any guy, then that guy is god. She can say those things, but they aren't good for me to hear.
I could explain why I don't want to go out with her, and I don't want a boyfriend girlfriend relationship with her, but I know you're still reading and I cannot let you inside my head that far. This is where this diary sucks and I can't say more stuff.
I'll tell you what I did do though...
I went downstairs, and I put in my favorite movie of all time "What Women Want." Totally a chick flick, but I always picture me as Mel's character.
What really sucked about last night was I watched till after he gained the power of hearing women. That's all I watched. Fuck, I know every line in that movie, and I just didn't feel like watching it. Mel's guy and Helen's girl take way to long to love each other. I'm not one who would want to rush a relationship, but I was tired last night and the "Sexy as Hell" scene was the only one I wanted to watch. And I thought it was going to take WAY to long to get into that scene. That comes about an hour and 20 minutes into the movie. I put "Shrek" in and that whole movie was about an hour and twenty minutes. And that movie is really awesome. The "Sexy as Hell" scene in "What Women Want" is the best because that's where I wanna be. Haha, kissing with a little bit of tounge, well a LOT of tounge is so new to me right now. Its nice, but its new. Not something I felt like showing off about because I didn't know how to show off.
I was a virgin to the kisses. Until my tounge slid into their mouth. It was a lot of fun, and had better happen again. Vicky wants me to have a party at my house. My house, my basement is good for those kinds of parties. Except, I need some kind of curtains for my windows or something. My sister's would spy on us the whole night.
So, my entry, I guess, isn't really over, but what I did after watching that little bit of "What Women Want" pissed me off. I have never tried putting on a bunch of women's, um, things or whatever, but I'm sure I couldn't be able to hear what they're thinking no matter what.
FUCK!!!
So yeah, I turned off that movie. Then I went to my window.
(Thank you for still reading, by the way, even though I said that the entry was over, haha)
I went to my window, and I heard SHADOW breathing. You know the sound of dogs breathing. Its really fast, and they always sound tired. Well, I called Shady over, and then this big fuckin RACOON came out of the tree. "Holy fucking SHIT," I cracked my voice.
Yeah that was a little scary.
Then I put myself in Chelsey's situation. She likes me and I do not wanna do anything with her. I'm sorry, and I felt so bad. I was a Jackass.
If I were Chels, and someone like me said the shit that I said, I would hate. I would be filled with hate. I would feel so put down. Since I'm a guy, I know what I would do, and I would probably do something really regretful, but I'm gonna keep myself out of that situation. I'm gonna do nothing.
Stop reading now. This is more "in my head", and writing it will just make me feel good. You don't need to read it.
I thought about doing nothing. Going out with Vicky, her considering me a "boyfriend" was really cool. Vicky is really special. Haha, she "boyfriended" me. But, I'm afraid that's gonna be my last relationship for a long while. Last night, I thought about doing "nothing." And that's who I fucking am. So, I have to live with myself like that until my parents aren't the ones who have to drive me places. Fuck, that's terrible.
I think emotionally and people don't think guys do. I DO. I cry. I see movies that I cry to. "Stepmom" is one of my favorites. I cry every time I see that.
Well, I cried last night. About what I said to Chelsey, that will not be repeated. I hated that she liked me, and I didn't want to believe it. I don't know. I hit the window sill. My basment has really deep window sills and its easy to pound on them. So I did.
I'm also one who notices when I cry. I cry and then I think "Why the fuck am I crying? STOP!!" and then I cry more.
Watching a movie I always say "Omigod, she is such a good actress." Another reason why Mel is so awesome. I cried in "Ransom" dammit. He is awesome. At the end of the movie.
Last night made me feel so good, that it hurt really bad. Chelsey said a bunch of good stuff about me, and I haven't said shit about her. I've said nothing about her. I went outside, middle of the night, took Shadowa out. And stood there. Wind blowin everywhere, scary as hell out. I didn't stay out long. Just enough time to say that I did nothing.
I am one who cries alone. This is because there is nobody that I am comfortable enough with to cry with. Maybe I don't need anyone to cry with and will be alone my whole life. I don't need kids, and that makes no reason for marriage. That's me telling my future self that he has no life and no reason to live.
The future will come quick, and then I will be happy. I feel terrible right now. Nothing good is happening. This week of school feels like its gonna be terrible. If this weather would be better then maybe that would help. I don't know. I hope so.
There's gonna be more parties. These parties shouldn't get too personal. That's pretty hard. I think they have been for Chelsey. So if it does, I'm gonna not go. I'll just stop. And then I'll be pissed off, and I will HATE.
Thank you for still reading. Haha.
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