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I'm just weird today, Saturday
2003-06-07, 11:20 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Its the end of school. Almost there. I've had so much homework this week because I've put myself so far behind. Now I'm caught up. I've gotten no sleep this week.

Little sleep. Like four hours a night. Maybe five.

This is my reason for acting weird tonight.

Or why some thought I was weird.

I'm in a relationship with the best girl in the world right now, and I know this will be the closest I will ever be to a girl again for the rest of my life. I never want to leave her, hurt her, or make her feel bad. I don't want to hurt or make anyone feel bad. I feel so weird right now. Weird because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling things I've never felt before.

Tonight, I thought I was perfectly normal. Vicky called me, and I talked to her this morning, I didn't use a fake voice or anything, I wasn't talkitive, I just listened to her, her voice, and then after hanging up I was like "Aaaw, that's it?"

And I was up for the day.

Maybe I got up too early today. Haha, 11:30am. No, I went to sleep to late, and I'm going to again tonight. When I went into town with McB today, I felt like I was going to pass out the whole time. Last night, when I talked to him while watching Denis Leary, I had to fake the laughs. I was too tired to laugh. Like I said, I don't find that shit funny.

I'm sorry, McB. SORRY, and I mean that. That gets old, especially when he just smokes and talks about how men can't cry. That's not all he talked about, I know, but it was just boring. Faking laughing actually helps me laugh.

McB keeps looking back to see if I'm laughing. The Fat One does this too. People have to see me laugh. Its not annoying with McB but the Fat One just does it to piss me off. Me smiling makes her laugh her fat ass off.

Me crying is something I don't do in front of people. Because I cry for long periods of time. My period. I'm a guy, I cry, not a lot, but I do. Seeing others cry helps me cry, because then I feel like its okay. I cry for hours and hours. I stay up late to cry. So there's me. That's why I can't cry for people. Nobody has that kind of time for me.

Here's a little example of me today: I turned the volume up really loud for no reason. I was in a rush, and I turned the knob thingy really hard, then I get a phone call. It scared the shit out of me and I started cursing the computer and all that. Pounding. I pound a lot. Pain pisses me off.

Tired...zero patience...but happy.

McB was the one calling me.

I drove Diana to a friends' house and said something really bad. Mom commented on it by yelling at me and told me not to say those kinds of things. She said something about keeping my opinions to myself.

I went to Aeropostale to get a shirt and looked around. I am very picky when I buy clothes. I HATE clothes shopping. It pisses me off so much because I'm out in public when I clothes shop, I am pissed off in public. And my mom doesn't help at all.

I looked at a shirt, got pissed off like I already was, and said that everything in that store was crap. Some guy who worked there heard me, I think. So then I thought to myself, jeez, I AM really negative. I need to stop.

Keep my opinions to myself. That kinda sounds like I need to stop talking sometimes. Think about what I'm gonna say before I say it. I always mean what I say. I never lie. I know what I'm saying. But sometimes I just say the wrong things. I also need to stop swearing so fucking much. I really need to stop my damn swearing. I swear WAY too much.

It lowers my self esteem.

Also, I cannot get rid of this weird pain in my eyes that started last night. I have a headache. All I need is sleep. I've had this pain many times before.

Leaving Papa and Nona in Florida after spending so much time with them has hurt me so badly. I hate goodbye's. I hate leaving. I need to be where the fun is. I remember when I was with Nona and Papa, I always talked to them, but I would never eat, and when I left them, I had that pain in my eyes.

Tonight, I thought I was being normal, and actually trying to show off playing McB in a basketball game. If I were to ask McB, he wouldn't have thought I was being weird.

In my last entry, I just took note that Chels told me to shutup. I wasn't mad at her, it was just something new. Well, today I'm an asshole. AND I can't explain it! I don't know how.

Because I didn't think I was being an asshole.

I have to say how I'm feeling right now. The pain in my eyes is really bad, even though I'm all alone. I feel terrible. Just a bad surprise coming home from McB's. Vicky wondered if she did something wrong.

Fuck no. There is no way she could ever do something wrong. Not with me.

I wish I could have seen myself through their eyes. I feel like I made a mistake. I just don't understand.

Lets forget this little thang goin on, okay?

I'm gonna watch some movie with crying tonight. "Lethal Weapon" comes to mind. Mel Gibson.

Quote of the Day:

"God hates me, that's what." "Hate 'im back, it works for me."-Mel Gibson to Danny Glover, "Lethal Weapon."

Song of the Day:

"This is the New Shit"-Marilyn Manson. From "The Matrix: Reloaded."

I bought that CD today, and it isn't really good. The album. It's slow. I also bought "Motherhood in Hollywood" by Patricia Heaton. I was even negative towards her, she gets paid so much and has a perfect life, I stood in the bookstore saying "What a bitch."

Though, I read a couple lines and then ended up asking Mom if I could buy it. There's gonna be humor. I'll read it on the way to Florida.

Today was a good day for me, I thought. Ending with a weird night that made the whole day seem like a bunch of shit. Which, maybe it was, but I'm sayin it was a good day, and now I'm gonna go watch my favorite movie and go to sleep happy.

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