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untitled...because there is nothing
2003-06-08, 5:38 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Yay, Diaryland let me in.

I just went to McB's for ten minutes, seriously, to see what he thought about how I was acting yesterday.

Here, I am like Raymond Barone of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Everybody must love me. I hate the thought that someone wouldn't like me, or mad at me enough to call me an asshole. I don't like doing things wrong, I must always say the right thing. I must always mean what I say.

I change stories around so much, but I never lie about them. I never lie and I never will. I can promise THAT much. Doug will come to my house, and he is able to come up to my cottage also this summer.

There's so much mis communication that happens. When I said that Doug couldn't go to McB's house to sleep over, I meant that his parents wouldn't let Doug come over meaning McB'S PARENTS. Doug should have been allowed to come. I have no idea why I could go.

McB's mom has grounded him for the last couple of weeks, and his Mom wasn't there last night so we snuck around, and I got to go to Ryan's. Though, god damn my mom, I would have stayed at Chels' for another hour and miss out on Ryan's house. Ryan's house sucked royal shitake mushrooms compared to Chels'.

Chels' house is awesome. My house... I woke up this morning and there was trash ALL over the place. Fucking dog got up in the middle of the night to dig through the trash. I yelled out "Who's HERE!!??"

Nobody was home. Shadow didn't come. I looked in the garage and she was in her cage. So, that means that my parents notice the house being trashed and put Shadow in her cage.

AND LEFT THE FUCKING HOUSE JUST LIKE THAT!

So yeah. That pissed the hell out of me. I cleaned up the house, and didn't even let Shadow outside. I actually forgot, but she is a stupid shitheaded dog who deserved some form of punishment.

So, I've been listening to "The Matrix: Reloaded the Album" all day. Its cool actually. This is kick ass music. Last night it wasn't, and I can't explain why. I just haven't seen the movie yet, so I cannot think of where the music goes. I have a lot of soundtracks to movies. I am singing along with Marilyn Manson here! Hahaha.

My Patricia Heaton book is going to be read on my way down to Florida. You know how much she gets paid to do her show? I don't know that but she's one of the highest paid women in show business. Ray Romano gets paid $2 million! That's TWO MILLION DOLLARS a week! Two million per show. He IS the highest paid person in show business. That is terrible, but I don't care. I envy him.

There's gonna be next friday, when school gets out, and then there's gonna be the friday after that, then I'm leaving for Florida. Paradise... I can wait, but not for long. It had better be paradise because I deserve it. This year started off strong but right after half the year, I got a hard chapter in Math and started this diary.

The second half the year sucked. For me.

Today is a good day because it feels like I'm up to something. When I got home last night...from being at McB's for about half an hour and figuring out I was an asshole to the girls, THE girls, I watched "Lethal Weapon." I watched some of it. I was too tired, too drained, too "weird."

Last night when they came over, I was just quiet. So were they though. I couldn't tell that they were thinking "Omigod, he's being an ass."

Now, this isn't a big deal, I don't want to make it a big deal, I just can't stop thinking about it. Its the only thing going on right now, and its just in my mind.

I feel like I'm up to something now. This is going on, its giving me something to do, something to think about.

~~~~

Mom came home and was being a bitch again today. She's got some problems.

I'm going to a therapist, HER therapist next friday. I don't know what to say. My grades slipped, so we're gonna talk why, I guess. I'm LAZY, I've been lazy. We'll talk about other stuff. I told my mom "You know, he can't tell you anything I say, so there's no reason why I should go. Buy me a tape recorder and give me some time to get you on tape, and then I'll go."

Then she freaked out and said "You never talk like that, who are you talking to about that?"

What the fuck is her fucking goddamned problem? I think she's been getting into my emails too. Oh, did I say she got into my fucking diary? I HATE her for that! I told her I was going to stop writing, and I WAS going to stop writing, but she said she got into it a long time ago because I wouldn't talk to her, and she hasn't been able to since (because of the password.)

So I'm still writing, as you can read.

When I watched "Lethal Weapon" last night, there was this guy talking about crying. He cried in bed. "Were you with a woman?" "No, why do you think I was cryin'? Merry Christmas."

Men...jeez. They're all assholes. They all be an asshole at one point or another. They will just be that way. Maybe this isn't all men, but there's a lot of them. Maybe they will never know it, it will just seem that way.

I changed my profile a little bit by the way. Its better.

All my entries are random filled with random things. I change the subject a lot. I talk about anything and everything. I'm wondering if anybody understands anything. My mind is a weird thing.

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