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What the hell is wrong with me?
2003-08-20, 1:35 a.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Nothing pisses me off more than when my computer doesn�t work. I�m writing here again, in Word, because my internet doesn�t stay on for very long. It has stopped giving me that damned time limit, but it still fucks up enough to piss me off. Last night, I got on, nervous the whole time and reading other people�s entries. Then it stopped working, and it wouldn�t let me dial up again. So, after about forty-five minutes of trying to redial, and pounding on my leg, I cannot pound anything (like walls) because I break it. So, I pound my legs. I even thought I broke my own leg last night. Funny.

But when the computer doesn�t work, I lose control. I cannot control myself, and I get so angry. I cannot yell because my family is in the house. Yelling helps sometimes, but I can�t ever yell because there�s people around. So I beat myself up.

No bruises, I�m so happy. Last night I got really red. Am I crazy?

I wanted online!

I saw my therapist for the first time since 7th grade on Monday. We talked a little bit about how I�ve gotten the internet since then, and that I�m not obsessed. I�m only really pissed off when it doesn�t work. If someone called, then I get off (most of the time). If McB comes over and asks to do something, I�ll go do something. I don�t need the internet, but I like to check up on my friends.

These days, friends are the most important. These are the days. I don�t see how these days could end though. They can�t. Senior year will come fast, I know it, and then I�ll have to do some stuff.

I�m not worried yet.

This is the last week of summer vacation. I�m sorry to remind you, but its here. This week has been really cool though. I am happy with my schedule of classes this year. Vicky didn�t like hers, so I didn�t like hers, and we looked for ways we could change it. If we can get Physical Science together for fourth hour, then we�d also have the same lunch, so that�s what I want. We gotta do at least that. I hope to God it works out. If we don�t get lunch together, then I�ll hate my schedule too. I already don�t have Eric, Emily, or Justin. If I change out of Physical Science, like I must, then I won�t have Justin. And that will also take away one of the two classes I have with Chelsey. Lunch is my most important part of the day, I want everyone together.

Its like we�re Jews being separated in different concentration camps. Except, we�ll be able to see each other at the end of the day. What if school fucks up my relationships with some of my friends? Then school would suck. Yeah, it doesn�t suck now�

Not now when its still summer. I get Ray-Ray though for Math. I�m still behind in Math, I cannot have any friends in my Math classes. Ever. Maybe that�s good because I learned a lot last year, and I thought it was pretty easy. There was just that one week where I had to redo a bunch of shit and then that brought me down in every other class, not including Science where I already am terrible.

This summer went really quick, but I did a lot. I still have a couple of days too.

This school year will be good, I�m keeping my hopes up.

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