Nothing pisses me off more than when my computer doesn�t work. I�m writing here again, in Word, because my internet doesn�t stay on for very long. It has stopped giving me that damned time limit, but it still fucks up enough to piss me off. Last night, I got on, nervous the whole time and reading other people�s entries. Then it stopped working, and it wouldn�t let me dial up again. So, after about forty-five minutes of trying to redial, and pounding on my leg, I cannot pound anything (like walls) because I break it. So, I pound my legs. I even thought I broke my own leg last night. Funny.
But when the computer doesn�t work, I lose control. I cannot control myself, and I get so angry. I cannot yell because my family is in the house. Yelling helps sometimes, but I can�t ever yell because there�s people around. So I beat myself up.
No bruises, I�m so happy. Last night I got really red. Am I crazy?
I wanted online!
I saw my therapist for the first time since 7th grade on Monday. We talked a little bit about how I�ve gotten the internet since then, and that I�m not obsessed. I�m only really pissed off when it doesn�t work. If someone called, then I get off (most of the time). If McB comes over and asks to do something, I�ll go do something. I don�t need the internet, but I like to check up on my friends.
These days, friends are the most important. These are the days. I don�t see how these days could end though. They can�t. Senior year will come fast, I know it, and then I�ll have to do some stuff.
I�m not worried yet.
This is the last week of summer vacation. I�m sorry to remind you, but its here. This week has been really cool though. I am happy with my schedule of classes this year. Vicky didn�t like hers, so I didn�t like hers, and we looked for ways we could change it. If we can get Physical Science together for fourth hour, then we�d also have the same lunch, so that�s what I want. We gotta do at least that. I hope to God it works out. If we don�t get lunch together, then I�ll hate my schedule too. I already don�t have Eric, Emily, or Justin. If I change out of Physical Science, like I must, then I won�t have Justin. And that will also take away one of the two classes I have with Chelsey. Lunch is my most important part of the day, I want everyone together.
Its like we�re Jews being separated in different concentration camps. Except, we�ll be able to see each other at the end of the day. What if school fucks up my relationships with some of my friends? Then school would suck. Yeah, it doesn�t suck now�
Not now when its still summer. I get Ray-Ray though for Math. I�m still behind in Math, I cannot have any friends in my Math classes. Ever. Maybe that�s good because I learned a lot last year, and I thought it was pretty easy. There was just that one week where I had to redo a bunch of shit and then that brought me down in every other class, not including Science where I already am terrible.
This summer went really quick, but I did a lot. I still have a couple of days too.
This school year will be good, I�m keeping my hopes up.
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