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Everything is negative
2003-10-01, 8:22 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Lately, Vicky�s been talking about how negative she thinks she is. Well, a while ago I was thinking about how negative I was and it dragged me down too. Whenever I go shopping for clothes, I am extremely negative. Sometimes I don�t notice when I am, but when I do, I dislike myself and only wish I would stop. I hate negativity. I was shopping for a coat just now, and I could find any little thing wrong with every coat that I saw. The only kind of coat I really wanted was a leather coat. Now, this is me right now, me thinking of leather jackets and how much I have always wanted one. I have never NEEDed a leather jacket, and I don�t need one now. So, why the hell do I want one? I don�t. Its complicated, I think. I do not want a leather jacket because they are so expensive and I would not like anyone to buy one unless they are that rich. So, here I am saying that all these coats are bad, including one that Mom said was the best deal she�s ever seen. Then she thinks I�m taking out my anger on her. That disturbed me.

Then on the way walking out I say �Boy, it sure is cold out� and she says �Good. Don�t talk to me on the way home.� I was not sarcastic or anything, it was cold out, and if anything, I was making fun of myself for not being able to pick out a coat. I even told her in the store �I�m gonna freeze because there are no coats I want.�

So, I will.

I had planned to wear the awesome clothes Vicky picked out for me, but the tags weren�t off and it was a t-shirt and I wanted a sweater, which should be okay. Mom said that I would have been trying on clothes with Vicky and picking out things and then just let them lay on my floor, never wearing them. I love the clothes Vicky picked out, they�re awesome, and I�m gonna wear them to school tomorrow to show everybody that I like them, and I�ll wear them even if there is snow on the ground. I might get my winter coat out though, and then I�d be fine anyway.

Also, on the way home, Mom said, out of nowhere �You cannot get on the computer when we get home,� and somehow got the words �gol darn it� in there.

�You mean GOD DAMN IT,� and I hit the car door, �Why can�t I get on the computer?�

She needed to see some of my grades. Now, careful of what I said, I talked to her about how I cannot show her any of my grades. I told her I�m doing �fine� in all of my classes. AND I AM! I�m doing GREAT, actually, greater than I ever have before in my life. I care, and I get really pissed off if I fuck up a test. Ray the math teacher marked me down for sentences I wrote incorrectly. I still had the same idea, they just weren�t PERFECT. That pissed me off and I wanted to kill something for losing two points out of twenty on that quiz.

School�grades are for me. I�ve always believed that and I just want my parents to stay the fuck away from me. They piss me off, and they are lowlife shits that I want nothing to do with. I would HATE it if my child thought this about me, and I would take them out to do something fun. I would only hope to God that they would forgive me for whatever the hell I did wrong, and this would only be one wrong thing, not years and years of my own fuck ups. I�d take them out to do whatever they wanted, even if it was in just their best interests and not so I could talk to them. Sometimes. Like Vicky, I want to be open with my children. But my children are not the problem right now because I have none.

I am the problem, I�m negative and I�m filled with hate.

I said the word �respect� while talking with Mom, and I forget when and why I said it, but she asked me �So when are you going to start respecting me?�

I think everyone has their own ideas of respect and what the hell it is. Do I respect my teachers? Do I respect this computer? The answers go both ways. I asked Mom when I ever respected her. �When you were a kid� was her answer. Well, I remember fighting with Mom, fighting with Dad, thinking (like all kids think at one time) �I hate my parents.� Did I respect them? They give me food, they give me shelter, I totally and fully respect that. I love my basement, I love what�s in this house for me to use and entertain myself with. I�m all good with the food, I like eating, its just the environment. The Fat One, I hate her, and I KNOW, I know that she has no fucking respect for anything in this house, except maybe some of her own things, but I have no evidence.

I think Mom is going up north this weekend with some friends, or maybe she went last weekend, fuck, I didn�t miss her, or even know she was gone. Wait, haha, it was Homecoming weekend, and I remember her taking me to the dance. Okay�you can tell I have not edited this entry, or any of my entries. I feel terrible, I do, I�m pissed off at myself and hate being on this computer right now. When I talk with some of my friends, I�ll be a little better, but I need to think about how I am around my family.

Whenever I am around Mom, I get into this mood, a hateful mood that I cannot describe. She�s just this person who I choose to think is annoying. Actually, I do not choose that, its just how I feel. I do not want to talk to her. I mean, why would I? She doesn�t help me and can�t. What kind of help do I need? Just someone to talk to is enough help. I guess I cannot talk to her. Those things kinda cross each other off.

Talking� I talk to Roxanne. She�s who I would need to talk to if anyone, but I do not feel I need her right now. There are things I need to figure out for myself, and not things she can help me with. I had an appointment today that didn�t go so well because I had nothing to say. I have no troubles in my life right now. My grades are good, I will email Papa sometime soon, and I�m in love, and I�ve been talking with all my friends. Not too much that I need to talk about with her. My next appointment will be four weeks from now instead of just two.

Obviously, I got on the computer, but only minutes ago did I know I was allowed to. Mom would not answer me in the car, nor right away when we got home. She talked to Dad, and then when I asked her again, she so innocently asked �Dad? Can he?�

�Well I don�t know what�s been going on.�

Goddammit. Just think of an answer, is it a problem to get online? Mind your own fucking business, I want an answer from Mom. Its just too fucking hard for her, I guess. DAMN them! They need lives. Dad�s life is television. Mom just doesn�t have a life. I think she sleeps and then says she cares about everything too much. Now, if they were my friends, and they were like this, I�d take them out to do something whenever I could. BUT, if they were parents, I�d just tell them to talk to me for once WITHOUT mentioning children. I�d tell them to talk without saying anything negative. I�d like to have a regular nice conversation sometime with Mom where we would not talk about grades, not talk about how my life will turn out, not talk about how the three of us kids are problems. I�d talk about how Mom can improve her own life, and stay out of mine for a little bit. I mean, they�ve been of no nuisance all summer and almost so far this year. There are still some little things that they could improve on. This summer was a blast and I think its given me my motivation.

I did talk about how being on the computer has been my motivation and how my friends have been my motivation, and without them, I�d have no motivation and no reason to give a fuck about school. Mom and Dad are helping, in their own sick way, but its helping nonetheless. Now, they need to keep it up, but help me NO more. Understand, everybody? They need to keep up what they�re doing, but no more.

Sometime I want to talk to Mom about her own life and not mine. When I was younger, I remember having nice talks about how her and Dad met and all that bullshit. Well, hey, when I was younger I guess I respected her, so this might be cool.

I was technically younger yesterday.

My only goals are right now: communicate with Papa, keep grades up, stay in all my relationships.

Music of the Day: �8 Mile� soundtrack. Just not the Macy Gray track, I dislike her music, and her voice.

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