I have a problem with life right now. You know, I'm happy, I like everybody, I have normal self esteem and all that goood stuff. Really good stuff. But I am trapped at school, I'm trapped with images that I can't get rid of, and those are among other things. When she's worried, I'm worried, when she's sad, I'm sad. That's okay, but when she's happy...I only want to be happy. I'm not sad because she's happy, I'm just how I am.
Maybe I've wanted a couple hours alone these past couple of days. These past couple of weeks, Vicky has had it stuck in her mind that I haven't been happy. I'm afraid that will never get out of her mind. So here I am, saddened by many things. When I try to talk about these sad things, or don't, I feel bad that I feel that way. Then I invite her over or go over to her house.
Today, I decided that I didn't want to do anything after school, which I couldn't really control, but I ended up wanted to do something anyways. Then, when I went over, we went into town and I wouldn't let her pay for me at all because I didn't need anything. But after we got home, we went on the futon where I didn't want to do anything and couldn't. I can't help it and only feel miserable because I feel that way. I hate how I'm feeling.
She talked about how good of a person I was. Then I felt good again. I need her when I'm with her. When I'm not with her, I just don't know what the hell I'm feeling. Like right now, like all the time, I want to marry her and all that, but once I get my mind set that I'm not having fun, then I don't have fun. Then I feel bad for feeling that way. Now if she were to make me not do anything with her, I'd feel bad anyway. I feel bad and I have no time to correct it.
Its like if she's there, then she's always there. That's when I can just do whatever I want whenever I want and she's always there. That should NOT be like that! She needs other friends, she needs someone to talk to her and comfort her when I'm gone. She needs someone who is always there. She needs someone who is perfect and would do anything for her. She deserves it.
Lately, I've only been caring about myself. I hate myself for it.
I don't want to end "us." We will never be ended. I just don't know what I want! I'm lost, confused, scared. The more I think about it the more pressure I put on myself. The more I think about my bad feelings then the more I feel guilt for thinking them. If I tell her that I need a couple days to myself, then she says "Well, I would never think that."
I don't know what I'm thinking about this whole relationship. I'm in love, I still am, the pictures in my head are dark, like a haunted mansion. My dreams lately have been me swearing at Mom and about me getting hurt. Many many bad dreams. I remember them at weird times, like I think about swearing at my mom and then think "Wait, that was a dream."
I will never leave Vicky because I cannot. That is how I feel all the time. I always love her, I really do. I do not know what I want except for her to have other people. Lets pretend I go to Florida on a cruise, I don't want her having an entry at Diaryland entitled "cookie cutters." I don't want her to read this entry and think "Well, I'm not good enough, we're not gonna last long," because that's not true. I am so sure and positive that we're never gonna break up. If she loves me more, than we will never.
I don't know what I want, I need to figure that out. I want her, I need her, she's addicting, I need her. I'm afraid that I'll keep up this fucked up attitude and then one day she'll think "I can't deal with this, there are much better guys."
I wish I knew what the future was. I see us in an awesome house with a couple kids, plenty o' money in the bank and I am an at home Daddy. I don't see anything other than that though. No matter what, WE are good. Its the rest of our life we need to figure out, and we need to talk about that, but that conversation keeps going back to school. College is what I may need to worry about. Instead, I play video games and am waiting. Waiting till I can get a job. Then I can get out of High School with some money and work life from there.
Life is a weird thing...the more I've written here, the better I've felt. I started by pounding on the desk. I hate my feelings. I don't know what to think, but I know what I know. I'm weird and am TERRIBLE at explaining things.
I'm truly happy right now. I will be tomorrow also. I will be happy because of Vicky and because of myself and because of Chelsey and Justin and Jimmy.
Jimmy is this new dude I've been hangin out with. I'll talk about him later.
I'm gonna go chill out right now and not worry about a thing because there is nothing to worry about.
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