First of all, we switched seats in English. Jamie puts her feet on other people's chairs. That's my biggest problem right now, the biggest thing bothering me.
Lately, I've been thinking that the weather has been changing my mood. That definitely effects many people. Its scientific, the light changes the way you look at things. There have also been many problems with Doug, Chels, Vicky, and I. Problems that some of us don't know exist, some that don't affect others, and some that are really stupid.
I will never be able to name all the problems. But all these problems have been talked about way more than once. I think every kind of problem has happened. No matter what we do, there are always problems. I am really disliking the four of us group things. I mean, every single time, I say �Nothin can happen this time� or am trying an experiment to see if there�s a problem. I hate myself for it, I even thought about doing something for Halloween. Vicky doesn�t want to and I don�t want to because we know we�re gonna have a lot of fun. We�ll go out trick or treatin with my family or chill out at her house passing out candy while I scare the trick or treaters. But myself even thinking of doing something is so crazy of me. I�ve been sick and tired of every single problem. Every single one, and I have heard of every problem there has ever been.
So in the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about all the problems. Thinking very deeply about them and talking to everyone hearing everyone�s side more than once. I take Vicky�s side, I hear her story first, and then I listen to Chels and hear something better and try to explain to Vicky on how she saw it wrong and hear how it really hurt her and then hear about how I am going on Chelsey�s side on EVERYTHING and how THAT hurts her! I get flipped, tossed, pushed away from both sides to talk to the other and then when I tell them to talk, someone�s sayin �Its not gonna do anything.�
So after weeks and months and about half a year now of that bullshit going on, Vicky and I have been getting into fights, terrible fights, and I�m sick and tired of them. I hate fighting, I hate fighting with my family! I love Vicky because she�s nothing like my family. It hurts me to see Vicky like that and me like this. I have definitely not been alive or anything, and by alive I mean energetic. I�m this dead statue who is extremely unlovable and has low self esteem. That�s how I felt. All these weeks it grew stronger. Then I would not want to talk to Vicky, I would just sit and do whatever she wanted until the movie �Scary Movie 3.� I wanted to do that because I wanted to see the bastard and I got to, hooray, I�m happy, and I think everyone else got screwed. So what? I am not caring. I�m the bastard now. I have been turning into a bad person, not to Chelsey, probably to Vicky, but mostly to myself. That�s not how anyone wanted it, but I�m just thinking that Chels wouldn�t be calling me a bad person. Vicky wouldn�t either, but if I�m bad to myself, then I am bad to her. That�s how I, me, I feel.
But I�ve been sick and tired of it. So lately, I�ve just been sitting. Sitting watching Vicky play Vice City and doing the same jumps and doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. Sitting listening to Vicky talk about Chelsey. Listening to Chelsey talking about Vicky. Listening to problems being caused over and over. Me, in the middle, trying to solve everything for Chelsey, I have not been thinking of my dear Vicky. I�m afraid this is a true statement. I try to think, goddammit, Vicky ALWAYS comes first in my mind. But then, I go to Chelsey, who talks about how she just wants Vicky back, and ME, who doesn�t see anything wrong with anything, starts trying to bring everyone together. I may not be the glue to this foursome, but I try. I�ve tried to much because its not gonna happen. When it does and when everyone�s happy, there�s someone who isn�t EVERYTIME. This time, it was me. This isn�t to say that I can end our once-awesome foursome, but I have no idea who could.
So I talk to Vicky about how I�m sick and tired. I talk to her about taking a break from everything. I talk about how I want to get away for a day or two. Taking a �break� obviously didn�t help the situation. I wrote an entry that I didn�t think was that bad and Vicky started freaking out about it and asking Doug why I wrote that and what he knew and how I was feeling. �I�m good� I said about a dozen times. A dozen means that I am saying it too much meaning I�m not really �good.� I was good. I had an awesome time playing Vice City, alone, thinking about how I�m gonna start a new diary by adding a second entry titled �This is Chris,� or something. Starting a new life, haha, doesn�t that sound crazy? I dunno. But me, being depressed and low, feeling heavy, made Vicky feel like everything was her fault, which I have said over and over and over again that it is not her fault. But when I talk about Doug and Chelsey, then it sounds like I�m saying it IS her fault. I�m not saying anything, I guess.
I think everything is my fault.
Vicky and I had a long talk today about a lot of things. I was extremely mad and sad because I did not think that anything was ever going to change. People do not choose to fucking change, and that�s their own fucking fault. I may never change, though I wish everyone was happy. Could my changing change anything? The talk was confusing because through the whole thing I felt like saying �So are we through?�
That�s a drastic question to ask. I have no idea what she would have said. I could have fucked up my life and then ended it. That may be drastic but fuck it, I�m goin nowhere without her. She can only make me happy, isn�t that weird? I�m afraid I need her. I�m afraid I really really want her. I�m afraid I�m in love, and this is true love, and I�ve decided a long fuckin A time ago that I�m not leaving.
I talked about how I cannot handle any of this anymore. I�m friends with Doug, Chelsey, and my love, Vicky, but not when its all four of us together. That�s how it works, that�s how I work, that�s how its gonna continue to work, that�s how I�m gonna continue to work. I cannot stand to listen to Chels in 5th hour every other day crying. This isn�t because I don�t care about her. We�re not gonna kick Chelsey away from our lunch table, we�re all friends� and stuff, its just that when we go out as a foursome, everything goes to shit. People get hurt and then people get hurt and then people get pissed off and get violently frusterated. That�s all I�m sayin, just that the group things with the four of us, Doug, Chelsey, Vicky, and myself, is not working out, hasn�t been working out, and will not work out.
I do not want to lose Vicky, and I came too close today. Today I fell in love with her like I did in the beginning of summer. This is the kind of love that wasn�t there for a while and then was there at its full.
Today Vicky talked to Mrs. Cockerill who came up to me at lunch to ask me if I wanted to talk with Vicky and her. This I was not comfortable with. So I didn�t go. It was an on-the-spot thing and I didn�t think that anything good could have come out of it. In fact, I knew that Mrs. Cockerill was gonna tell us to take a break or something which is not want I want or need, and it was just gonna hurt both of us. Vicky cried to Mrs. K. Nolen, who I am guessing hates me now. Only guessing. I don�t care. I mean if I�m an asshole enough to make Vicky cry, how would anybody like me?
After school, Vicky and I had a long talk while being pissed off and I was unhappy until she touched me. She squatted down in between my legs to talk to me. We had to go to my house because Diana needed to be watched. We walked to the High School where, coincidently, Jenny, from my Advanced Drama class gave us a ride home. Nice girl. By the way, Vicky saw me while I was in Advanced Drama today and I got red-in-the-face and then started stuttering out my lines. Whoa, that can�t be good.
Anyway, we got home happy after talking to Jenny, and then talk a little bit in my bedroom. Only talked. Then, when the Fat One ended up coming home too, Vicky and I were unneeded to watch Diana. We walked back home to her empty house. We talked, ordered pizza, talked, ate pizza, and then went to her bedroom where we turned all the lights off and�I think we�re okay again. I know I am. When I come to school tomorrow people can say �You look depressed and you look like you�re gonna die� but I�m just going to say �No, I�m happy� and then forget it. If I�m quiet, then I�m quiet. This doesn�t mean I�m not happy. I�m FINE�what the hell does fine mean? I�m good, I�m okay, I�m FINE!
The way you say something is more effective than what you said. �I�m fine� with a smile is better than mumbling �I�m fine� with tears in your face. I�m happy right now, I�m gonna keep it that way. There are no problems, alright? Stop worrying about anything, stop caring, nothing is wrong. Work on you, be selfish, think about others, do whatever the hell you have to do to be happy. BE HAPPY!
Any day without laughter is a day wasted. That�s my problem. I�m not depressed. There�s really nothing wrong with the light outside, although I would love to have summer back. I thought the light was my problem just because I didn�t want to think about anything else. �A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.� I would kill to have summer back, wouldn�t you? Haha, that was an awesome time. I�d also kill for the Nobal Peace Prize, but hey, I�m not gonna get either of them.
Quote of the Day:
�Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm� � Steven Wright.
I would never think about hurting myself, except for now to tell you that. Don�t worry about me like that because I�m always fine. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
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Quote of the Day: