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Pathetic Love Stories
2005-10-12, 9:12 p.m.

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Author's note - I enjoyed writing this one, and actually thought about it beforehand. Read on. I hope you enjoy the stories thoroughly. Thanks for reading.

~~~~

It was one of those dark places that you couldn�t go into without turning on a light switch. And then, once you did flip a switch, the lights would flicker. And for an added effect...picture, or visualize...actually, no...audioize (that�s right, I played that card) the sound of leaky pipes...drip...drip...drip. And the smell...I was actually planning on saying it was a women�s locker room, but in order for you to...smellorize (pathetic)...this was a boys locker room. A men�s locker room. And it�s where all the football players came after losing a hard (yet pathetic) game.

Yes, I�m talking about the community center, baby. It�s where I work. And I know your next question...and the answer�s no. I don�t have a nickname for my penis. But in all seriousness (that was a reference to �Anchorman,� and I�m sorry)...I had to lock every single door in the community center. It�s what I do best...on the job. Doors have been mysteriously unlocking...within 45 minute intervals. Or so I hear. But stories earn embellishments for every time told.

Speaking of stories. I have a few. Lets start out slow...(skip to the next �~~� to read about my female crushes)

~~

The �Army of Darkness� DVD story: My love for the series continues.

Mom needed to go to Target, so I offered to drive. Diana came along, too, and this was after dropping off The Fat One at volleyball. I don�t understand why she�s in that silly program. Mom wastes gas having to transport her to and back from Michigan State University. But on the way, I got to see the Breslin Center. I saw it. And less than 24 hours before I was staring at it...Jay Leno was doing a routine especially for a comedy night. Not his usual one-liners from The Tonight Show.

First of all, that friday in 3rd hour (Personal Financing), I wasted the time I was supposed to be doing a project. Due, like, the next week. But yeah, instead, I was looking at the different DVD versions of �Army of Darkness.� I needed the movie. I wanted it. The version that was sold at Best Buy had no special features. I think I�m speaking literally.

Second of all, earlier that week, when Justin and I went to see �A History of Violence,� we also went to see the Schuler�s book store movie selection. There, they had the �Boomstick Edition,� which had two disks. It was $30. Ouch. But $30 was the price of most of the movies there. So I wondered. Would it be $20 anywhere else? I was gonna find out.

Third of all, there will be no fourth of all.

Coming from MSU, and heading to Target, I asked if we could stop at the mall. �Suncoast� was my last hope. It was an expensive movie store...but if �Army of Darkness� was there...and for $30 dollars or less...I was prepared to buy it. This was ill-advised by my friend Justin, but that movie...it�s...well, I dunno what it is. It�s directed by Sam Raimi, and the �Evil Dead� series is so creative...it�s inspiring. I was gonna buy it.

We got to the mall...and then I remembered that it was Sunday. The mall is closed on Sunday! Then my mom spoke up, �It doesn�t close until 6p.m.�

I looked at the clock.

5:50p.m.

She dropped me off in front. I ran in. As I was walking to �Suncoast,� my trusty video-store-to-be, I could see and hear the mall gates dropping. Stores were closing. But not �Suncoast.� I headed back into the horror section, where �Army of Darkness,� the sequel to the sequel of the Ultimate Experience in Grueling Terror, was gonna be. Then I was asked by one of the store guys.

�Yeah, I�ve been looking for �Army of Darkness,� and I haven�t been able to find this certain edition that I want...but-� and I was about to tell him that was gonna SETTLE for the �boomstick edition.� (I really just wanted the single-disk edition with some special features).

I didn�t shut up because he turned around. I shut up because he was looking in the $7.99 or less section. Whoa!!!!

Then he whipped it out. We�re talking about the DVD. We�re not talking about the $11.99 DVD sold at Best Buy that has NO special fricken features! We�re talking about the single-disk edition with a special featurette and a theatrical trailer...AND...the original ending. That�s a lot of special features...that are of interest to me.

$6.99. �You can�t beat that,� he said to me.

And I bought the DVD before Mom had parked and come inside the mall to meet me.

~~

Tonight, I was sitting in the Community Center, watching TV like I�m probably not supposed to. I hadn�t eaten. Instead of snacking after school, like I usually do, I...well, didn�t. I worked on the Talent Show dialogue, which I�m sure Justin will tell me �sucks� anyways. I was so hungry, though.

I looked down, in my pocket. Thank God I thought of this before leaving. I had cheese crackers with peanut butter in them. Oh God, I drooled thinking about them. And I was about to open them up and eat one of the six...when suddenly...

The �Saw II� TV spot came on TV. First, with the clown�s laugh...and then images of the people trapped in the house in the movie. It looks so friggin awesome, and got me really hyped up for it. �This Halloween,� �Saw II.� And then, to tease me even more, it showed a shot of a gun that was rigged to shoot anyone who looked through a door�s peep-hole. AWESOME.

And then �That 70�s Show,� came on. And it wasn�t until the next commercial...I remembered that I was hungry. Then I remembered the cheese crackers. So, then I got to thinking. Do movie previews...feed me? Are pictures sent through the television...filling? They�re certainly satisfying, I figured out that much.

~~

Female Crush: Volume 1.

After buying �Army of Darkness,� I really felt it. I remembered two Homecoming�s ago...watching the film as a Halloween present to myself. It started a tradition...Halloween movies for Homecoming weekend.

And then I thought...hmm...Homecoming...that was so much fun.

Diana wanted to go to Aeropostale (or however you spell the clothes store), and that is why we weren�t yet on our way to Target. Diana wanted to look at some girly sweaters or something.

Now, for my senior pictures, it was important to get dressy (not changing the subject). Senior pictures were even more important than Homecoming...when it came to the clothes. I think that�s surprising since...people actually see you for Homecoming. The memories last forever. But senior pictures last forever, too. So it was important that I got nice clothes. And to finish the night off with some good-looking play-clothes...I�m gonna take you back in time.

It�s the weekend before I have my senior pictures taken. We�re in Aeropostale, and I�m looking for clothes. This girl comes over to ask me if she could help. Clothes-store ladies, they�re so nice...but they�re getting paid to be nice. I said I was just looking around, and she asked me what for...or something. Well, the conversation (not yet started) quickly escalated to me telling her about my senior pictures.

�Yeah, they�re being taken at my cottage,� I said, noticing how I always refer the cottage as... �my� cottage. �We have a place five hours north, right on a beach.�

She was interested. She had her senior pictures taken on a beach also. She sat on a huge rock...which was really pretty. �Well, there�s a rock on my beach, too, except it�s...not so pretty. It�s more like a boulder, actually. A nasty, seagull-shit covered boulder.�

I don�t know why she laughed. But that�s when my mom came in and asked if I had found anything. �Naw, she�s helping me look,� I said, except I used her name...which I have forgotten now, damn me.
Then my mom got into the conversation, and the lady somehow got back to clothing, and she walked away. My mom and I looked at something she had pointed out. Then the girl came back with a little selection. Two shirts...one for over and one for under (undershirt). At first, I was skeptical that the over shirt would look good with the undershirt. Then, my mom said that she liked it. Well, girls would know what goes with what.

I told her I liked the shirts...both of �em, except that I wasn�t sure I�d want them for my senior pictures. I was very careful with choosing my words, so not as to make her think I�m picky. She said, �Alright, listen, you can say �no� to me, okay? People do it all the time, I�m used to it.�

I was speechless...she was the best clothes-store lady I have ever met. She was smart. And she made her customer�s comfortable...by making them always right.

�Well, I liked your choice on the under shirt, could I try that on?�

�Sure, there you go, hun,� she passed it to me.

As we walked to the dressing area, she walked past the locked door...

�Ma�am,� I started, �Could you unlock this door for me?�

�Oh yeah...of course...� she clicked in the keyhole, �There you go, sweetie.�

I got into the dressing room and started smiling. Clothes shopping have always been frustrating (not more frustrating than shoe shopping). But tonight...I had picked out a really nice dress shirt (from a designer place)...on the first try. And now I was being helped by a girl who knew what she was doing. She knew what the job was all about. And...though I don�t need to say it...she was very cute. She had that cuteness about her, where if she was in sweatpants and a t-shirt, it�d be the sexiest thing in the world.

Before I knew it, and before I had time to think about the clothes, rather than this delightful sales-lady who couldn�t�ve been much older than me, she came back to my dressing room. I dropped my pants.

Yeah, I also had a pair of pants...that ended up being too big...to try on. She came back to hand me another over shirt that she had gotten for me, since the other one wasn�t to my liking. �There ya go, hun.�

�Thanks, Miss.�

Not a minute later, I came back out...to show my mom and this girl how everything looked (when will I grow out of having to shop with my mother? It makes everything easier. Ugh). They liked it, everything, and so did I. I had to ask for different pants, though.
�Do you like the color, or the style?�

�Actually, yes. It�s just the waist is too...large.�

She went back and simply got me a different size. They were perfect. She also brought me a new polo shirt. It had some tears in it (for style, almost obviously), which I wasn�t sure I liked. But then she asked, in the sweetest way (damn saleslady), if I liked it.

I had said no to her over shirt, and had her retrieve (although I think my mom might have helped a little with the retrieving) a couple under shirts and a pair of pants for me. I�d had enough of rejecting her, �Yes, I really do like it.�

And I wore the green shirt to school the next day. I loved it, and I love it. The little tears (like, ripping) that were in the shirt made it look better, and because of that, they weren�t noticeable.

Now, I�ve always had a problem with waitresses. They always have some kind of uniform or dress code...which always requires tight pants. And they have to be nice to you, and they...talk to me. Haha. Waitresses have always been my biggest immediate-crush. But now...and it was quite immediate, I kid you not...the clothes-store lady. What a cute girl. I couldn�t get her out of my mind for the next few days. And look at me now, this is a month later...and this story was hardly �embellished.�

I...was in love.

~~

�That 70s Show� got over, and I was still very hungry. I had eaten two crackers. Out of 6, I had four left. On to the next two...and I started practicing my patience skills...and waited another half an hour to consume the remaining two. By the time that half hour was up, I would only have one more half hour...until I could go home. So pathetic...but I was already thinking about the last two crackers. Every commercial... �Oh...crackers...I want you so bad.�

~~

Female Crush: Volume 2.

Again, I had just gotten �Army of Darkness,� on DVD. My sister needed to go to Aeropostale. And once we got into the store, I saw my green shirt. �Hey, that�s the same green shirt that you bought me for senior pictures,� I said to Mom. Diana wasn�t paying attention, she was back...looking for sweaters.

I looked around at the scene...the Aeropostale clothing store. And, it took me a while, but I remembered the night with the clothes-store lady. She was so adorable. She called me �sweetie.� And she called me �hun� more than a few times. Man, I loved her. I looked around the store...half nervous (I am really pathetic) that I�d see her.

But she wasn�t there.

I looked around the store again...there were very few people. Few customers. The night I was in here with the clothes-store lady, there weren�t that many people either. But...ONLY now...did the store feel...so empty.

I wanted to cry.

~~

Still pathetic, as you should know about me, my mouth was watering in between commercials. But the half hour was finally up. The last thirty seconds...without those peanut butter cheese crackers...seemed to last so much longer. And then, once the show officially ended, I split the crackers in half...eating one half for one minute, and the next half for the next minute...it was satisfying. And I still had a whole other cracker left.

I thought about it. I waited at least a full five minutes...and split it in half. Yum. And another �yum.�

~~

My last story for the night...

Takes place in Felpausch (mostly). This is our local grocery store. I was there for:

Skim Milk
Peas - any brand
4 Bananas

I collected the bananas...which only came as 6 bananas, so I took them all back to the frozen food aisle with me. Less than an hour later, once I got home, Mom claimed that you can leave two, and just take four. �Well, what if someone else wanted four? And not two? There weren�t any fours. There were only sixes.�

So what? I got the peas, and the last thing I got was the milk. Then I walked up to the grocery line...and there was no line. In fact, it was kinda late (I think), and I guess that�s why the lady there was wiping off her...thing. Like, the conveyor-belt thing.

Now, I was on top of the world. Before going into �Felpaw,� I had gone to Video Time. I asked for my �Crash� poster...it wasn�t there. Just like my �Sin City,� poster...I got screwed out of it. Instead of saying �No, no �Crash� poster,� the lady said:

�No, all we have is �Sin City.��

�You have �SIN CITY?��

�Yeah...are you Chris?�

�YES, that�s ME! I�m Chris.�

�Well...then here you go.�

So yeah, I was on top of the world...I acquired my �Sin City� poster. Now I have to wait for my �Crash� poster. Apparently it takes a month to get.

But I was on top of the world...and as I approached the lady of my check-out line, who was cleaning her conveyor-belt thing... �Hey, are you cleaning that for me?�

It took her a sec, but she laughed. Slightly.

Then she told me how much my groceries were...less than $5. �Okay, outta 20,� I handed her an Andrew Jackson (right? He�s the $20).

She smiled, as I did. And then, when returning my change, she smiled directly at me. And dropped my change! Then she started giggling, looking for it. I reached down, and said �It�s right here,� and pushed it towards her. I don�t know why I didn�t pick it up myself, but she got it for me. And giggled, �Here you go.�

On top of the world...I walked to my car. On top of the world, I drove coolly down Williamston Rd. heading home. On top of the world...I looked at two little girls...

I zoomed past them...going the 25 mph limit...I nearly hit them! My heart raced...not slowing down...What the hell? They should watch out for CARS! Jeez, they were so close to me. Their mother was right behind them. PARENTS: Always go first when crossing the road. Jeez! C�mon!

~~

My crackers were gone. My shows were done. I headed downstairs to lock up. My mom got there with perfect timing. Then she reminded me that I needed to lock a door...in the basement...in the boys locker room. Damn.

~~

Epilogue

I saw an interview. Rachel McAdams has a new movie featuring Diane Keaton and Claire Danes and Sarah Jessica Parker. In the �interview,� which was more like a conversation (I can�t think of the term for unorganized interview, even though we just learned it in Sociology), Rachel was the quiet one. She couldn�t get a word in. I felt like her, I felt like she was like me. The type who, every now and then gets in something hilarious (I�ve been there), and yet, in talkative groups, she�s the quiet one. When the spotlight is on her (like when she won at the teen choice awards), she shines. Yeah, I�d kiss Ryan Reynolds on air, too. The only difference is...he liked it when she kissed him. She friggin hot! And she won for best lip-lock.

I love Rachel McAdams. I loved her from �Mean Girls.� Before anyone else knew what she was made of...I was a fan. She�s good!

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