A month ago today, I had lost 5 pounds or so at least. I could hardly stand at work. It had been about a week for the "us" to no longer be. It was just her. I believed this was all for her, and I pushed her away for her own good.I then started to think of myself. I would have done anything to get that back. When I told her I didn't want to give up...it was too late.
Of course, I was in denial.
She knows what is best.
She wants to "look"
She wants to "have fun"
Now...it has been a month.
I'm still living with her. I live in our living room.
I eat here and there, much better than when I was forgetting to eat.
I remember the empty stomach sensation. I still feel it.
Before this break up, my weight had been 135 lbs. I am 123 today.
I masturbated to a picture of her online while breathing in her panties. I did not feel sick about this. I did the same thing with Vicky's before flushing them down the toilet. I had stopped masturbating completely until she was completely cruel to me. Demanding when I was to leave. The first time was after I dug her car our of the driveway (snowed in) and she got pissed about bills. I put porn on and came really fast.
The second time was in the shower about a week later. I don't know why. I came quick.
I have done it increasingly this week. All to her panties, the ones that smell like her cunt.
I still want her back. Obviously.
I learned that she kept money from our deposit to the arbors. She lied to me about it the day I found out. Brandon told me. She had told Angie. Angie had told Brandon. Her "tell" is when she might know how I got the idea to ask. Most of the time she will ask where I got the idea. "Why?" When she knows where I get my ideas, because they're all true...it is just easier for her to lie than fight about it. Even if its not a fight. She assumes it would be. So even now she does care what I think...or does she?
C: Did you get our security deposit back from the arbors?
K: Nope, we never got one back
...almost an hour later...
Any idea what we put down?
K: 200? That's ppretty standard everywhere.
Teal run is doing a special right now I guess, free rent in march and you can be moved in for under 350
C: That's what I thouhgt, but but always wondering why we didn't get a bill there...place looked awful when we left.
K Yeah i know
so why would you have expected to get something back??
C: I didn't say I did
The next day:
On my way to the Arbors:
C: You're fuckin hott today, I must say. I like your wet hair
K Oh...thank you
C I would tell a friend that
K Well thanks
C I meant that as a compliment, of course, are compliments okay? Or innappropriate? Honestly...
K There ok
C Cool...well either way, go blow dry your hair hah
K Already did
I'm at Barnes and Noble an hour and a half later when The Arbors calls me. I confront her on the phone. She still says its not true, she never saw anything, and doesn't understand how I could think we could have gotten something back. I ask her if she hadn't told Angie who told Brandon who told me. She doesn't understand why she would have told them in the first place.
It's easier for her to txt:
K I don't remember how much it was but I got something back from them, its still none of your business because I fucking paid 400 to them and only got like 100 something back, again from the damage you caused to the wall
I don't care that I lied and I don't care if you dont care for me, Id rather you not
C I've never given you a reason to lie to me.
K Leave Angie alone, they have there own problems
You are a greedy money hungry person is reason enough
C I don't care about the money. Never have, really...haha...but why tell Angie in the first place? That's disrespectful to me...I'll leave her alone...
K It was 2 fucking years ago! Get over it
And you have always cared about money, you made me lie to your mom over 2 dollars! Remember that???
C I'm over it, I promise you. I realize I punished you for a lot of things, and I am sorry for that, but honestly, lying to someone you're in love with is worse than actually fixing a problem. It's better to get over the truth than have to get over a lie...fortunately it's easier to get over a lie. So thank you.
K I really don't care anymore, you can't made me feel sorry, I'd do it again in a second, you've screwed me out of more than enough money I'm sure.
C That sounds like the perfect confession at the end of the worst crime drama, haha...I never want you to feel sorry for who you were with me, it's okay...and that "I'm sure" doesn't apply, and I've lent you so much money and you've never lent me any...I'll always love you, Kase...(not like that, I promise)...but this lie doesn't hurt, I promise. I'm full of promise, haha
K I don't feel bad trust me
C Trust you? I believe you there...but seriously, 150 dollars, I just realized...I do kinda feel bad about that, my lord
Why lie yesterday? I mean, we're broken up, you want me to hate you, right? Further incentive to get out sooner...but why lie yesterday? Why care what I think?
K I have no idea
She must think lying is a bad thing.
Today my brain knows I don't want her back.
My heart wants her back.
But if we got back together, ever, I would only want the lies to stop. That's unhealthy. My brain knows we would be stronger if we got back together but some other guy would have to be lied to. Some other guy would have to do everything for her. She would use him for the house payment. He would masturbate alone eventually.Michigan is not a happy place. I am not like most guys. I am scared for who will love me. It's that initial connection that I can't get. Getting to know someone may be my only option. I don't know a single girl I would fuck. Maybe the single ladies aren't my time. Everything happens for a reason, no?
They say, in a break up, not to turn your life around. Well, I need to get my life back on track. When she is not my motivation, I am my motivation. I need to forget her for a while.
Delete her?
When I leave my house, it may be with Brandon. I will speak with my therapist about this decision.
He is more of a liar than anybody I know. this scares me. I don't want to lose anything...nothing more.
The last thing I need from the house is furniture and showerhead. Hook for keys.
The showerhead mayhave been the last thing that bothered me.
She used both.
Why waste water? Why excess? Why drink till the last drop?
Today she has a pizza in the fridge...one slice down. Why do I want to be the man to finish that pizza? It's pineapple.
She just doesn't think people change.
She doesn't love me anymore.
She doesn't think she needs me.
She wants to hate me for a while.
She needs to be alone.
I hope she is.
Later this night...
I locked myself out of the house.
8:19
K When will you know if you'll be home? I wanna have a friend over for a movie
C You don't need my permission
K I'm not asking permission, I don't want you to show up
For once I don't want to need her, yet I have to call and tell her because she was going to have a "friend" over.I ask who the friend is...and she won't tell me. If this whole breakup isn't over a guy, I really don't know what it is. She isn't a joy to be around. She sits at home and watches tv. sits on her ass playing famville or plants vs. zombies or neopets. She would spoil her kids. They would love her, but her husband would eventually leave. I would never leave. She is trading three years with a guy who wants to marry her and has something to to prove for something she doesn't know isn't real. She is lying to herself.
Kasey asks me why I got my hair cut.
"Never mattered to you before."
Clearly, to her, people never change.
"Things never get any better," she quotes her mom. Wow.
When I gave her the opportunity for rebuttal, she corrected herself to say "When they other person doesn't recognize they want to change." This is true. it's when people can blame themselves that they are disciplined to change.
She will always lie to herself.
Today, I do not care because I do not envy the next man.
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