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Break up Journal #9
2011-02-28, 1:24 pm

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Here is why I don't believe in regret:
I believe in evolution.
I also believe in meant to be.
Uncle Rob was right though...sometimes what is meant to be isn't what you want to be.
Kasey doesn't believe we were ever meant to be. Doesn't realize where she is now or how she got here. So maybe she just isn't happy with herself and her own choices. Pamela says she keeps getting animals to make herself happy.
She wants to have fun in life and just so happens to have someone else who was there when we broke up. I proposed to her. I said this has changed me.
Tonight we talked. At first it was a fight but then it wasn't. She wanted to fight. Then she broke the ice with a proper introduction to Bentley Bug. I know more about where her head is. She is still Kasey though. Wants a family. Wants to settle down.
We want the same things.
She is all I think about because it was that dream I had while we were together. She will always blame me but just doesn't want to fight. It wasn't love she wanted. It was just not worth fighting for.
Fight to get love.
Still...love is hard to keep.
Harder than finding new love.
I know what I want, and that is to settle down and live that life. But Kasey is forcing me to grow up.
I don't want to grow up.
I want to grow old. With her.
She is going to pursue Jake. Her mom calls this guy a doofus.
She helped him get an apartment, apparently.
Doesn't want me at the same place...because of it.
I was so happy talking to her today.
I started to cry because I kept thinking how perfect we could be. The past is the past. I need to look at the future.
This is my test to give benefit of the doubt.
I don't need to know everything.
I don't need to control every situation.
Playing it safe is just going to make it difficult.
It sets me up to be content, then go nowhere.
Pamela says another person cannot make me happy.
I need to be happy with myself
I am just scared to grow up.
I am afraid to face my destiny.
These next 6 months, on my way over here I thought would just be me giving her space.
Kasey says she loves all her ex boyfriends.
I don't want to have an ex girlfriend.
I am a perfectionist who just wants to get it right the first time.
It's out of my control.
This is my test to let whatever happen....happen.
Just don't forget karma.
Let's forget karma.
I need to grow up and I cannot do that with her.
Now...do I want to grow up?

Sex is all I think about. But it is no passion of mine. I will not pursue a woman. I do not deserve to be turned down. How cunical of me. I am not a guy who takes whatever he can get. Then you take it for granted and forget about love. Love is my fuel. Not to be confused with my passion. Not to forget to be passionate about love.
This is my excuse.
No try.
No fail.
No success.
This is life.
Grow up. Grow old. Don't grow down. Don't grow back.
Use the past. Change the future.

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