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Break up Journal # 6
2011-02-24,

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

What kind of man am I?
I feel like I have a future with Kasey right now. I am scared about moving in with Brandon. I am scared about being single. What kind of person would choose this life?
I don't care what she does. I can only trust myself.
But there is karma. Do I want to be with her when karma kicks in? Or are we even? Do I deserve to be unwanted?
I will be unwanted.
No regret.
I can't be happy with Kasey. I could be happy with anyone.
She doesn't deserve me to be there for her.
I need to stay positive. We were not meant to be together.
If she realizes no other man is as good as I am...will another woman figure that out as well?
Doesn't matter.
Not right now.
I need to find a way to make myself happy before I can make anyone happy.
Pamela says its okay to have emotionless sex. Sex feels good. Love doesn't.
Brandon will hit my balls if I say "love." And my face if I say Kasey.
Good deal.
Cable is out.
Bad deal.
I want to move out.
Angela says she needs to be more like Kasey, and shut Brandon off emotionally. What kind of person could do that?
Brandon could.

What changed?
Well, with Kasey I was ready to settle down.
I was settling.
With our failure, I am meant for other things in life. Most people won't have kids until they are set in careers and ready to settle down. We will both just live. She is stuck in Battle Creek. Stuck in a house. Stuck settling...alone. I am not meant to be alone. Or feel alone.
My future is not with her.

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