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Break up Journal #2
2011-02-20,
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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Fucking work called.
I accept their request to come in early...and I close...
Today might have been my last opportunity to see Pamela.
Everything tells me it's just not meant to be.
I txt her, asking if it's the last time I see her.
"I don't know"
That's a tough question, I guess, but it might just not be meant to be. I know I'll be real sorry if I miss you, but never forget that I'll always love you and miss you terribly already. I wish you and Kasey the best in life, and I hope you both find everything you're looking for. I mean that from the bottom of my heart, and this kills me to write. I love you both.
She responds "I feel the same way about you, but we will always keep in touch on FB"
Se responds "Remind me to tell you about my Christopher I dated when I was younger"
Today that hole in my heart is either bigger or just being realized. What a long fucking day it will be.
I am sad and really wish there was someone next to me to hold. I always needed that. If we ever fought, I would still be there. I would be there throughout the night. And I would especially be there the next morning. So many nights I would have to get over. At any time, though, she could have come to me.
I wish I could remind her of that.
I can't believe there are worse things than lying.
Worse than cheating.
Worse than being an abusive alcoholic.
Why does she think I want to hurt her? "If you're ever happy with where you are, you aren't going anywhere." midnight
Less than a 10 hour day. 31 hours this week. I know that the best thing for me is a new job. I blamed Kasey for a lot, but in the end it was this shitty job. Toxic.
Home now.
Sitting on cushy toilet seat.
Last night I locked myself out of the house.
Kasey thought I was an idiot.
Maybe ruined her plans for having "a friend" over.
I called Brandon.
Everyone says not to think about it.
"Find your happiness."
"It just takes time."
But she will always find her own happiness.
She does what she wants, not what she needs.
"Getting Back Together," a book says separation can be the best thing for a relationship.
She has nothing to say to me. Anymore.
My heart says she will.
My mind knows better.
Keep this grudge, sweetheart. I broke us up for you. I was right wasn't I? Karma. I pushed her away. Now she is doing what I did to her. Except she has a mindset.
I hate myself today.
I hate women.
I hate men.
I hate people then.
I have no anger towards any of them, but dating is frustrating. I'm so attracted to women. I need to earn the love of an attractive woman.
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