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Break up Journal # 5
2011-02-23,
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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11pm
if she ever wanted to see me again, I would see her. I would talk to her. I would love her.
But no longer am I the same guy.
I will have gone through one last change for her.
I know what she is like in bed, and I would not care to revisit it unless I was in love.
I would no longer have anything to prove to her.
Only myself.
And I deserve better.
She knows I deserve better already.
It's why she wants to start over.
My dream girl is out there.
Kasey Marie won't be it anymore.
Sure I would have liked to get it right the first time.
Sure I could have proven a lot to her.
But she didn't want proof.
There's nothing she can sau anymore.
She has no more to teach me.
I have nothing to get out of a relationship with her.
She only thinks about herself and her needs.
I could make her happy. I wanted to...but that's not what I'm meant to be.
I'm meant to be my own person.
Maybe live in Florida.
Maybe see my dreams come true.
Once you find your happiness, your paradise changes. Your outlook changes. Your sex is a million times better.
Maybe then I will be good enough for Kasey...and I won't have to fake it. Maybe then it won't be all about her.
Then it's all about me.
and that's selfish. Just the way wanting her back was selfish.
I would be happy she put me through this.
I would be happy for her.
and this all happened for a reason.
maybe she's meant to be alone.
karma.
but I want her to find her everything. Then I wouldn't feel so bad for finding my everything.
From Pamela:
Take care of your heart and make yourself happy. Never put someones happiness before your own. That's not to say you cannot compromise...that is a must...but never compromise your integrity in life. Find your happiness, Chris... What I need is something to work at.
This relationship could have been that.
So I need to tranfer my hopes and dreams back onto my passion.
Freud was right...it's all about sex.
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