SPECIAL FEATURES
email me at [email protected]

the latest

the entries

the profile

quotes page 1

quotes page 2

quotes page 3

notes

blogspot

host

design

Internet Movie DataBase

IQ Test
Free-IQTest.net - IQ Test Quote of the Day:

Conversation enders
january,

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Don't ever give more than what you get.
It's not worth it.
Be.
Selfish.

I just wanted to get something positive out of it. People can't find happiness without reward. I thought earning Kasey's love back was going to be rewarding. Now that I know its not meant to be there's no way it could be worth it. 3 years is a small price to pay to learn what I have learned. But it was worth it. The best way to learn a lesson is to be punished. The best way to find happiness is to achieve and be rewarded. The love was my reward. I had it. But doing everything I could to get it back and not being rewarded for it is not making me happy. I can't find happiness with her.
Never could.

She will need to lie to herself with someone else to be happy. She lied to me. She lied to herself. It was rewarding to her, she had a dream with me, but I didn't give in. She didn't get the ring or the kids. She forgot what she wanted. She had her chance. I always knew what I wanted. and I was settling with her. I would have been happy with her and here was my proposal:

The only thing I can ever promise you is that I will never let you be afraid of anything ever again.
We are all looking for something, and all I have to prove to you is that you've found it. If only all it took was for you to think you had to look somewhere else.

I just made her doubt it. I did everything I could to earn it back. Now she will make the same mistakes and her history will repeat itself while I know what kind of boyfriend I want to be. She doesn't deserve it.

If you're not getting anything out of the relationship, get out of the relationship.

Sometimes you have to love something just to prove to yourself that you have something to lose.

There are plenty more fish in the sea.

I was settling. The problem with this was I was making a bad deal. I had all the love I could ever need, but took it for granted because I wasn't getting anything else out of it. That's what made it worth it and its what I was giving my life for. What I wanted in the end was to give more, I wanted to prove to her that I had a lot to give. This appears pathetic when she doesn't want to give back. Some other guy will get what I want, but all I was is all he will get. He won't get anything else. I don't need any more than that, but I do need to be where I'm meant to be. 3 years is what it took for me to realize what settling is. 3 years is perfect. It was 3 acts. I lost what I had, but now it is my time to prove myself to the world. I have all the confidence that I could be great for her. I can be more. I'm in love, which is unfortunate, but the love that was infused in me after losing it is what I will take with me. The lesson was mine, and three years is what I put into it. Most people will go 30 years or more, quite an investment to learn my lesson. A lot of people never learn.

She will never learn. The lesson wasn't hers. There is no getting through to her and she will cahnge for no man. He will not get everything he wants and he will take her love for granted. She will be stronger in that she will have less to put up with but more to invest in. She will waste her life. She will stay in the house and be lonely 30 years. Her children will not learn from her and probably not from their father. If I have the opportunity, I will put them through college. I want them to succeed. I want to see them happy. I want to see her happy. I want to make her happy.

I would do anything for her. This break up was always going to be for her, and I'm the one who brought it on her. I broke up with her. It might take me a while to find my happiness because this relationship has knowcked me down. I had a weak moment. I wanted her love. I wanted to see her happy. Now I know I won't be able to see that for a while. I will delete her. I will unfriend her. I will keep her out of my life. Hold that grudge but never be mean. I promised her I would never hurt her again but I will take care of myself.
She is lost.
She is not going to evolve because of this.
She says she's smarter now.
Worse yet, she will always be looking.
She has been all her days.
She won't let herself be unhappy.
She will hurt other guys.
Then karma comes in.
I would never cheat.
I would never have made her feel like I wasn't there.
I would keep my love for her and prove it everyday.
I would have given back.
I would have made it worth it.
But it's not meant to be.
It was...but it isn't.

Love is hard to find. Harder to keep. Impossible to forget.

I am evolved. I had the best of her. She was beautiful with me. And now I know what I want in a woman. I will not settle for less (or, unfortunately, uglier). She couldn't give it to me. She will only do things for herself. If she doesn't benefit from it, she won't do it at all. All I want in my children are for them to be good people. I want the same for hers and I will do anything I can to see that happen.

Joshua Riley
Theodore Allen
Rhys Alexandre
Kasey Marie

Love this feeling.
Feel sorry for her.
I am in love.
The only thing I'm missing is her love for me and it wasn't that great. She was lazy. Sex was boring. She didn't touch the house. Didn't feed or water the dogs. Asking for anything was an argument in itself. She sat on the computer, played the sims or her childrens site. She needed noise just to do something else. What kind of mother would she be? What wisdom does she have to pass on? Who is she? What kind of life would it be masturbating instead of loving?

I wonder if she's meant to have children.

Txts to and from:

To Byrd
I learned something today. Don't put more into anything than what you get out of it. Kasey's love showed me what I need in a wife. Love is not a substitute for respect or support and its not the only thing that you need to provide. Don't ever forget what you've done with your life...love life, man. But love yourself.

I love you, Pamela, but proceed with caution. I can't help what you think. Anything I say isn't going to be good enough. Same thing for your daughter. I respect her decisions. I support her choices. I love her, and I want to see her happy. I would give her the entire world, and I promised her my devotion several days ago. I know I could have made it work. I have every confidence that this break up could work. I know she just needs to be alone, but she looks up to you. She wants what you have, even down to always talking about being a young mother. I will probably never understand her side of this breakup unless I see her relationship status change. She rushes into things. We rushed into this house. I know what commitment means, but she is only committed to herself. I can blame myself only so much, but there's a reason fights got how they did.

Chris...do not text me anymore about Kasey. I already told you I am not going to get involved. For you to say that Kasey hasn't been loving or respectful in 3 years is ridiculous. You need to figure out why you have anger issues. Punching walls and breaking things is not healthy. Also choking her is not acceptable. It seems to me that you want to put Kasey down when you are doing everything to push her buttons. Bringing people over till 3 in the morning is ridiculous. If you want respect you need to give respect. Do not try and put me in the middle she is my daughter and I will always be on her side.

My response:
Then don't respond to my txts. Don't respond to this. Don't talk to Kasey about me. I never put you in the middle of anything. She doesn't even know I talk to you as far as I know. It's easier to say "do not txt me anymore." Period. So sending a message, something I'm supposed to learn from, a lesson I've learned over and over...I just don't get it. I'm sorry you feel the way you do but I won't forget it. It's something my kids will read, something they can learn from. They will never be afraid of their dad, and Kasey will never be afraid of me. They will be good people, like I'm a good person. I would never hurt anyone, but I know you understand what unconditional love is. That's what I will have for my kids and they will have for theirs. Unconditional love goes hand in hand with respect. If you're telling me that Kasey loved and respected me enough while we are breaking up, withouth allowing me the chance to prove I can be the man I now know I want to be...it's unfair. My kids won't pick "sides." Not even when they're in kindergarten. My kids will never hear "people never change" or "things never get any better." I don't know anyone who could say those things. Kasey needs to grow up, and that's not a bad thing. She thought she knew what she wanted with me, but there was never commitment. What does a 30 year mortgage mean if not commitment? I'm sorry that I love her now, but I'll never be sorry for what I had or that I lost it. I may feel I would do anything to get it back, but someone so cold, so angry, and so negative (like I was) has to blame themselves to evolve. I'm not the one who wants to be alone. Nobody deserves to be alone. I feel sorry for her, I do, and I feel sorry for her kids if they grow up thinking something could be hopeless without giving it a chance. They could do this to other good people, and the nature vs. nurture debate will have nothing to do with it if they're both the cause. I know I'm a good person. Good for me...whatever...I'm not good for just any woman...I never thought Kasey was just any woman. But she is just a girl. That's not a bad thing, but it is what hurts me. It hurts me that you feel the way that you do. I loved you like a mother. I loved her like a wife, I just took it for granted. Now I know what I have to lose...I just need to find it.

| | Back to Top

Current Entry: "Conversation enders"

Previous Entry -- Next Entry

Lets keep it PG, mkay?

Have you missed any?
Life's a beach - 2014-07-11
Faith - 2014-06-11
l SXSW Notes l - 2014-03-28
Teaching; Lower Your Expectations - 2014-03-17
Slut-shaming - 2014-03-15
Back to Top