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Break up journal #11
2011-03-02,

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

"You have one week. You go or I go."

She gave me the ultimatum.
It was my responsibility to leave.
I tried. I did.
I went full circle and all the way back to our first apartment.
This mortgage will show up wherever I go.
Sure, I could move in with a friend, but he or she will be considered a cosigner, something I will need wherever I go in life.
Maybe I'm not meant to escape Michigan.
I mean, I did sign my life away to this house in the first place.
Two months in, she wants out at all costs.
Maybe her "meant to be" was that she was meant to have a house to herself.
She needs to refinance.
I'm waiting for the first time.
I'm the one who is waiting.

From the bottom of my heart, I do not want to screw her over. She wants me out of her life, and I've always wanted what she's wanted. When that meant children and a family...I wanted that. I didn't think we could afford it. I was only thinking of the kids. I was only thinking about her. As unselfish as I thought I was...being selfish is what I need to be. Nice guys finish last for a reason. I don't want to do anything stupid with my life anymore. I want to live.
If I go to my parent's house...what motivation does she have to refinance?
I'm gone...why would she shell out a couple thousand dollars to able me to have credit?
Besides...
I want to have sex in my hot tub.
I want to see someone get off in my shower.
I want to have summer sex in the backyard.
I want to have cookouts.
Parties.
Cocktails in the hot tub.
Tail on my cock...
Do I take the small room? The one I'm typing this in?
Brandon is excited for the basement.

He can fix the hot water in the shower.
He can fix the hot tub.
I don't really want to leave her with those things...
but Karma...please...grant me the freedom. I'm not asking for anything, just you, Karma...

If it's meant to be, then she gets the house. She refinances. She can have her own life.
I promise to God I have learnt my lesson. I may require a little luck, and I don't know if I've really earned it yet...but I will.
She would be happy. I want that for her.
I would be happy. I know what I have to lose now.
I would leave her.
Otherwise...she is leaving me, is she not?
If she doesn't...Brandon moves in.
We have our life we have our fun.
She has her life and invites her new boy over.
I would masturbate to the sound of them having sex.
I can picture that happening.
I can be heartless.
I won't ever hate her.
I forgive her for pushing me away.
I am finally falling out of love.
I still want the best for her...if she could find someone and refinance, good for her.

Then again...Brandon could leave. Maybe I could afford it. Alone. Put ads up...get roommmates...college town...

Am I meant to go to Hollywood?
I believe in myself.
I also believe in us.
I could be happy either way.
I can find my happiness anywhere.
Who cares what she does?
She will always be looking.
She will always be Kasey.

What is meant to be?
I'm calling a priest.

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