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breakup journal #12
2011-03-06,

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Today Kasey was hungry.
for what?
food?
what kind of food?
she chose McDonals.
Before leaving she asked if I would pay. I said we are breaking up because I'm cheap so I should take credit for it.
She said we aren't breaking up, we broke up. and that's exactly why we broke up.
I pity the fool who falls in love with you.
Then she said I'm payin for my own.
I'm a "money hungry greedy" person.
Yet lets add...
almost a thousand to her for gas to get to BC from Lansing.
Five thousand for a car to come out to BC...needed that anyway.
We go out every night. Went out.
Paid 200 to sharpen her work tools.
Her tattoo under her left breast will forever remind me of that.
Why was her paying me back so important?
Well...
it was always over our heads.
Money...
Was it worth it?
Tomorrow I am expecting to see what is expected from this refinancing. I am expecting to pay a couple more thousand dollars. She can't afford it. If it's more than 3000 I think I will need to pay only half? I don't feel like that is too much to ask. If she needs to save up, what's wrong with her leaving for a while?

11 pm.
I am so afraid
I am thinking I don't deserve a second chance at life. Isn't it a much better story when somebody does something with their life again all odds? What are the odds I could be free? Who deserves something that seems so unlikely? I already believe this breakup alone has taught me all I need to know. Will I be punished for staing in the house? To live alone forever maybe. Work at a factory and barely make enough money. Have to fix shower and washer and hot tub and...
...or...
am I the kind of man who sees that these things are done?
For her?
I would owe it...I know I would owe it to her to have these things done. Shower first...but she can use other washer and she doesn't really need the hot tub. It's not important right now. She deserves to have her life. Have a house. Find the perfect guy. I hope she finds it...I hope it happens for her. Dear God, please let that happen for her. I will do great things with my life, I just need to find opportunity. Anybody can change the world, but I want to change it for the better. I want to entertain. I want to teach. I want to love. I want to marry. I want to afford. Whatever Kasey doesn't get I will give or help her find...she gave me a lot and I punished her for it. I've been punished by losing her. I lost out on her dream...now I need to find my own. I don't want to make a new dream...I was to live a life.
Don't take it away from me.
dear God, give me strength
give me hope
give me my pursuit of happiness
life
and liberty
she will find hers.
save me.
amen

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