I can only masturbate if nobody likes me.
When there is nobody to love.
If there is nobody to think about...then I can turn to pornography and watch a pornstar tied up and fucked until she squirts.
I can watch a girl dance topless in her underwear...and I can get off from just that. With an imagination like mine all I need is a Playboy.
I love my imagination. The curse on me is my dreams. Because of this, these, I can fall in love very easily.
I wonder if I'll ever be in love again.
I can imagine fucking her brains out.
I can see glimpses of holding her hand. Kissing her in public. Rubbing my nose on her and smelling her hair. Smelling her pussy while I lick her clit.
...but unless I feel as though she is completely into me...I don't think I would be able to fuck her. I read a few interviews today. Mila Kunis doesn't know a woman who can have sex without an emotional involvement.
Josh Groban cannot be intimate with someone unless she really likes him.
I may be a woman.
People think I'm gay.
Yet...cocky.
In their eyes...How I must see myself:
Confident.
On top of the world.
The Best.
Above the Law.
Better than everyone else.
I hate people like this. Who see themselves this way. Now maybe I see why girls generally don't go for me. Guys like me, maybe...tools. Guys who will ask and be rejected. I don't take rejection.
Today at work, I was a different person.
I have conditioned myself in this life to live as though everyone is a customer. Everyone is a brief interaction. A small relationship.
I've always felt other guys don't like me. My fears are confirmed. By fear I mean...My realizations...I'm not afraid of anybody. This might also make me quite...cocky.
As a server...I serve.
But I do things my own way.
I wish I was in a place where things like this didn't go unnoticed.
At the cafe...I'm looked down upon.
I'm a rebel. I don't respect the general manager...and I don't like people who don't like me.
I can feel it.
I'll always care about this kind of thing.
But I would not be who I am today, who I was today...had I not thought about it. It's true.
I'm an excellent judge of ...people.
I know what I know.
Kasey didn't like that I talked down to her. She would hate me thinking this way.
She was at our house today with Jake.
I had almost forgotten that until just now.
So I'm thinking about someone else.
Someone I adore to pieces.
I've wanted to tell her for so long. I'm scared that will push her away.
I received a voicemail from a girl named Bobbi. A friend of Kelsey's who called me "hun" via txt...and her voice is so sweet on the phone. She sounds beautiful.
I spoke with an older couple at Barnes & Noble. The husband tried to sell me on the idea of living in Texas. The wife complimented me on my white hat from New York.
She called me "son" before they left.
Sweet sweet woman.
From Mission, Texas.
Perhaps I'll see them again.
There is so much love in this world.
I try to thank God everyday for what I do have.
Adam has been a Godsend.
Even with his internet on the TV and perfect wireless connection...wireless keyboard even.
I've been watching Marlon Brando movies.
This is my new most inspirational person. An amazing unique ...actor.
Before him, we were actors.
Then actors would just...behave.
In 'Method,' we don't have to act...we react...we live...we're real. We feel.
Little Kelsey told me to never give up my dreams for anyone.
Her "number" is roughly...14.
Somehow I feel that if she would settle for me...that would make me feel amazing. I was worried but knew that the next girl I date would have been around. I would also have to earn her.
I just hope she likes me.
She said she likes me so much better outside of work and asked why hang out with her over anybody else at work.
Maybe I can make her feel special.
I hate that word, special.
Now I have a Brando doc paused. I want to masturbate but cannot...I like her.
I also knew my next girl would be a smoker. And she'll quit for me. Little Kels recently bought a pack of cigarettes...her first in a month or so.
What else can I predict...
Well...here's what I want...
What I look for I will never see...
...but what I hope to find eventually...
...is thee:
a girl...who:
thinks I'm cute
makes me laugh
flirts with me
I can flirt with always
is smarter than me
is openly honest, even overly so
likes music
is fashionable
is good with kids
wants kids
cares what people think
asks my opinion
respects herself
respects me�eventually�at least at some point, come on haha
knows when I'm wrong
will go grocery shopping with me at 3am
is monogamous
looks good in her undies
maybe likes me in mine
has sex...with me�but for her
believes compliments when she hears them (modesty for attention is a turn-off)
will stay up late with me if only to fall asleep on my lap
likes to teach
maybe was a waitress at some point?
likes to cook?
...and someone who lives without regret?
Period. No...question mark.
For a dating site...if I am ever desperate enough...
My idea of a great time is to sit in the dark with an audience of my friends watching great movies. Late night talks and midnight snacks. Sleeping in until past noon. Walks on the beach. A reader. A writer. And a dreamer...my biggest curse. Yeah, that sounds like me.
Call me boring, please...
...but I'm not ordinary.
Say we do our laundry together...sure, you could come over, you're invited to come over, as I have both a washer and a dryer, but say we make it a date...and go to a Laundromat.
Just the two of us.
Do Laundromats have a radio playing?
We can bring our own soundtrack.
The whole place to ourselves...
Sure, bring a magazine...we can make anything fun, right?
If I can get you to call me again...
I'll take you to the gun range...haha...
Date three...call me...I can talk to you for hours...
Maybe date five can be dinner and a movie...
Gun range...
Get haircuts together.
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