I'll never care about why I wrote this...or who I wrote it to...or how obvious it is who I wrote it to...but it's completely honest...
Written January 29th, 2012:
In response to your text questions...
Nope, don't really like her.How old is she? She's 18.Why do I have her number? I don't have her number, so that's a weirdass question...and asking why she's better than you makes no sense to me either. Nobody is better than you are...I don't care if we hate each other, being there for each other is why I love you and always will.
No, you don't owe me anything. We're even.
Have fun tomorrow, if you're going "out," just talk to me first...please...
My silly facebook comment was really not what you think, I had no idea it would look the way you see it, but I assure you, it's completely harmless, as is she...
I love you, Kelsey...please believe that I do. Whatever happens with us, I want you to understand there's nothing I would do to hurt you...and you can always count on me no matter where I am...I'll be there for you, I'll want the best for you, and I'll love you. No matter what you do or who you become, I'll love you.
Don't respond to this with a "k" or some stupidass one word response...maybe you don't owe me more than that, but for fuck's sake, I deserve better.
I try...I don't know how hard, but I feel like I try very hard.
Relationships shouldn't be this hard, but...
...I want to be more to you than I have been for anyone else, and maybe it's still not enough for you, but I can give you more than anybody else can give you. Sure, you could find some old rich dude who buys you cars and islands, but I'm the only one who wants to ride with you and I'm the only one who wants to walk with you on the beaches of those islands.
You don't understand how hard it is for me to fight for this relationship. I know I'm in a terrible place in my life right now...but probably the only fighting chance I have to keep you in my life is knowing you're seeing me through it. It started a while before you came into my life...but I wasn't ready for you until we started seeing each other...and whether you like to think about it or not, we're inseparable...
...what we're going through is the worst possible romantic relationship of all time. I can hardly stand it...and I hardly understand how we can stand each other, but being these extreme opposites as we are...somehow works.
Had we had an awkward phase...(forget me driving into oncoming traffic, the hottest girl I knew was following me home)...
I don't want you to think I'm fighting for this relationship. I would much rather beat the shit out of your next boyfriend and say fuck you for the competition...and walk off into the sunset...alone.
...if not fighting is an option, however, I hope that tomorrow we can smile with each other over a mug of hot chocolate and a game of connect four.
...yes, I will seriously buy that game if I have the chance to play it with you. Or battleship.
...with shots...
...we work too much. We need a vacation. A day off.
For boardgames.
...and cards.
We should work in a retirement home.
...or you could just meet my family.
I want you to not be able to keep yourself from smiling because of me...like you used to. I want us to cook together, bake together...and I want to annoy you while I do it. Maybe I've lost something or maybe I'm losing something...
...but love in my life is not something I want to lose.
You're all I have...so I'm never going to do anything to break that.
...if it's not meant to be forever, then I don't want it now.
Obviously, it was meant to be for some time now...we've lasted quite some months...
...and while I keep thinking we've "lasted..."...I like to think we're everlasting.
Okay, this is getting cheesy...and long...but I like things that last long...and I really, really like cheese. Mozzerella and feta and "extra" are my top three...swiss is really good. Asiago, too.
Goodnight, Kelsey Ann...
p.s. Yes, I've been writing this for the entire hour...and a half... since we talked on the phone...and yes, I work in 3 and a half hours...
p.p.s. You're so fucking beautiful.
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