January 23rd
12:48am:
>Hey you, call me if you can't sleeeep
no?
>>>>Of course, sending this text, I couldn't believe my eyes. Paranoid me. Looking for something. Wanting something to find. What I didn't find sparked my imagination. It was happening again. I haven't caught a lie in a long time, but the phone conversation...the fact that she didn't work until 2pm the next day. The fact that she woke up at 1pm that day. Why was she going to sleep? 11pm is way too early. She didn't sound like she didn't feel good. She didn't say she didn't feel good. She was just sleeeeepy.
"You didn't wake up until 1pm today? You're gonna really have a hard time sleeping, then."
"Well, we're about to find out. Goodnight."
She called me fairly late the next day. I went in around 11:15AM. She called shortly after I arrived. I replied in a text, and in detective mode...nervous as all hell, having no idea what went down the night before...but my imagination kills me, I'm shaking typing at the bank...
>i's workin...sleep good last night?
> Well I would have except for i work up at like 130 ish and was puking and headachey then i wake up again this morning and mother fucking nature blessed me...
>what time did you get home?
"mother fucking nature" lol
>From work???
Hell yea shes a bitch, it made me ruin one If my new undies from fredericks....First damn time i wore them
>yeah from Panera...or wherever, haha
>It was like 11
I was on thee phone with u when i got out remember u were going to watch movies
>ohhhh yeah, I guess that's why I asked how you slept
why were you throwing up, were you drunk?
>No it was because of my period i had a migraine so bad that i guess that is what happened
Like even today I feel really sick and awful
>Well who the hell was taking care of you?
>My damn self lol my boyfriend was off doing something else like watching movies and not wanting me to be with him...
>oh, you're not "single?"
>Nope and neither r u ;)
>I was feeling very much alone last night, for sure.
>Well me to...I think we should change it
>do you love me?
>yeah i do love u
Do you love me??
>There is a lot I love, but when can we talk about us? What do you work today?
>I work 2 to close
>maybe after...if you don't have plans.
I just don't understand the phone thing...why hide things? It just leads to lying about things...or at least that's how I feel...
>Well there is nothing that we have to lie about or at least i hope
>Right, so I've given you no reason to lie to me, then?
>Yea
But u already knew that
>knew what?
>That u havent been given me a reason to lie
>>>>>>Now, we have broken up. Already. Right down to the "Facebook Official" split. There was still no harm done. She's out of the house,even. She kept her phone from me when I asked for it, yet getting back together meant I would have access to her phone. I guess it's my stupidity that thought there was a chance still. Until this day. 2 years to the week after Kasey and I officially took off our relationship status.
I stormed into Panera, too nervous to be angry about anything.
"Where were you?"
"What do you mean where was I?"
"Where were you last night?"
"I told you, I was at my mom's."
"Where were you, really?"
"What do you mean where was I really?"
"Stop repeating my questions and come out with it already!"
"You saw I my car wasn't at my mom's. I did go out with Matt last night."
"You...lied. Why? Where did you go?"
"Thomas's. We went to Thomas' Okay?"
"Why??"
"Because I can. I wanted to."
"Why would you lie about that?"
"You need to get out of here, Chris, this is my job."
"Why would you lie? Who were you with? Just tell me who you were really with."
"You need to leave. I can call the cops on you if you need me to."
"You could have said Matt. You could have just said you were with Matt last night."
"You need to leave."
I'll never know why I asked...I may have needed it to be final...
"Are we done?"
"Sure, we're done."
"Oh my God-"
I walk, but go nowhere. I'm almost out of Panera when I turn around to ask the most important question.
"Did you have sex?"
"NO! Go!"
I believe her...but I'm not done with questions...and I don't know why. I think I want to hurt myself to the point where I can't heal myself.
"Chris, you have to go, this is my job, this is my life, get out!"
I do.
Then, my last attempt to make sense of the breakup, her missing car, and her fucking lies:
>Is whatever you this is why you were hiding your phone from me?
>No its not chris, but u hve to realize what u just did is so uncalled for this is my job u bt bring anything to it to jepotdize it in sooo pissed at u right now ur so fucking ignorant
clearly we will talk later
>>>>>>>>>>>>After a million different versions of what I wanted to say, the only one worth sending was:
"Ignorant...clearly...is not an adjective for me being the noun," or something like that, haha, but...none are worth sending.
I've talked to Allie for 40 minutes, but not a lot of advice or help. Tony was much better, told me Kelsey said she was going to Kalamazoo. We spoke for 20 minutes, and I was looking for any way to get past this. Of course, he told me she has a good heart and stood up for the idea that she would never hurt me. Of course, this was...before...I went to Panera. I even called Anthony. No answer.
It's 1am now.
Kelsey calls 3 times, after:
>Well its funny that your liking things on facebook but your not talking to me. But thats cool
Im outside your going to have to talk soon if i knock
So i would just call me
Maybe i should call some of your friends and see if they kno were ur at or who your with and harass them like u did...
Sound good?
>>>>>>>>>Sound good? This is the only text I read the entire next day. This was my therapy. Sound good? was a positive message, and that's all I needed. I decided, on the way to the bank, that I wouldn't read her texts...then I wouldn't be able to respond...and I would reward myself with a positive text later.
Then I thought about holding onto that text as therapy for good things are ahead.
I'm a sick person.
She called 8 times that night.
>Well ur t work so i know ue getting the mesg...Txt me
I will come in im outside
U clearly dnt value your job do u?
>>>>>>>My phone says these texts came in around 10AM, about five minutes apart.
The green flashing light made me look at them, but not until I got downstairs. What I did look at was a picture on SnapChat. It was of my car...and the bank behind it.
I think this was almost 10:30, however, so her car was gone, and that's when I read the texts...and reply.
>Whatever you have to say, I won't believe, and I don't want to know the truth anymore. Thank you for not trying to hurt me.
>>>>>>>>>>I think that last statement was about her not coming into the bank. I would have been surprised to see her, and everybody would have probably ended up triggering all the silent alarms, but I could have just been sarcastic. Her trying not to hurt me...by lying, as if that would be less hurtful than where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing...
...but it does hurt. It hurts my brain to think that I could have been with a liar like that for so long. What do I learn from this?
Future me, reading this, you're probably wondering what she was actually doing. The lesson here is ignorance is bliss, and not caring is a strength. If you're in a relationship where ignorance is bliss and you feel stronger when you don't care...go fuck yourself. You're dead already and clearly, you're just using someone to pass the time until you die.
I hope you don't have kids.
All they need is love, man. Love.
Love is all you need. To love. And be loved.
She's calling me again.
>Well i think that im st leaset worthy of a damn phone call or txt not jut u ignoring them all the fucking time
...and several hours later:
>All im asking for is one conversation so we can still talk and be friends
What I want to say:
Bitch, you are not worthy of a damn phone call or a text from any of my fingers...and I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to be your friend.
What I really want to say, to simplify it as much as possible:
"I don't want to be your friend. I will never love you like I would a friend. I don't like you. I regret you."
But I don't believe in regret. That's why it is worth it to me to write this.
| | Back to Top
Quote of the Day: