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Goodbye BC
2013 - 05 - 09, 12:56 am
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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This has been a long time coming - -
I've always considered myself a guy who has had nothing to lose.
I came to Battle Creek 5 years ago on my own terms with no support. I did what I wanted to do and earned everything I had, consistently working two jobs at once (at least).
I still haven't changed since high school. I've always had the same dreams and ambitions as I did back then.
I've never been career oriented.
I've never pushed myself to evolve.
I learn...through mistakes.
Luckily, still no regrets, but, Battle Creek has aged me. Doing "what I wanted" was merely making the best of what I did have.
I had two meaningful relationships.
With the first girl...I did everything wrong.
The second...I couldn't do anything right.
They distracted me from making myself happy.
"There's nothing here," I'll often hear.
The truth is I just haven't found what it is that makes me happy:
That's true love in relationships. Where you don't need each other to be happy, yet you can't be happy without loving each other. You can't make an effort to love someone...it should be effortless. And unconditional.
So many people don't think twice about anything.
People are whores. They're liars. They're selfish. They're desperate. They're drunk or they're high.
I've been told that people like this are everywhere.
All I know is that the friends I'll always keep are not fueled by drama, and there aren't many like them in Battle Creek.
I just don't fit in with the crowd, I guess. Never found that group of friends worthy of their own TV show.
On the plus side, I haven't tied myself to this city. That's...lucky.
I'm not good with goodbyes.
I'm also not good at apologizing, so I hope everyone who can read this knows that I wish the best for them.
But I can't lie to myself about being happy here or making a life in this city.
It's been nothing more than surviving.
Getting by without ever feeling good enough.
After everything I've been through, including my "home" being broken into and robbed while I was taking a weekend away from Michigan, I've learned that I still have a lot to lose. I never felt "home" in the first place. Or any of the 6 places I lived.
I realize that my experiences here are meant to be remembered.
But when you've been hurt, it's hard to forgive.
I take it for granted that people are good until they prove me wrong. Then I pray God has mercy for them, because I know they don't deserve it. And I consider myself a good person.
Still...Battle Creek has been rough to me.
Some people get used to it.
...but I don't deserve it anymore.
And if you're unhappy with where you are, change it. Right?
Consider this a farewell.
Mother's Day is my last day.
I'll drive away...my knees on the steering wheel, with both fists in the air, and my middle fingers held high.
(They're not meant for you.) I have nothing but prayers for you. Hopefully some good memories, too.
Now...what's next?
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