Her life is looking forward to the next time she can sleep. See, she's always tired or sick or miserable and the only joy she finds is from Chandler or making others miserable. When it's my fault, her anxiety and depression seems lifted, so I take it on with pride until it burdens me, and then I'm under a lot of pressure. She can put the blame on me all she wants, though, because it's a free country and I'm a liberal who believes in freedom.
Florida is the opportunity to be independent.
To start a real life.
If she refuses to work on "us," to contribute to making things work, to growing our relationship, to having fun and finding joy on her own...then she wants failure and seeks only misery with me.
She will learn than she doesn't have to stay.
A strong mama should seek what she is passionate about and should not stick around where she is passionless.
I don't know what "perfect" means to Corrie, but Florida will be far from it. The good news is she doesn't even believe Florida will be perfect in the first place. I'm of the mind that thinks she believes it will be a massive failure.
And the truth is...if she wants it to be a failure, it will be.
I have lost her faith. Of course, she's never had mine. Faith doesn't go very far with me anyway.
I have hope.
I have optimism.
She's expecting it to be a failure and even if it's better than her expectations, she's going to see that she's right.
She's unsupportive.
She has no confidence.
She needs her mommy.
She needs to be spoiled.
She needs "instant gratification" (my dad's words).
Fuck patience and fuck living in the moment and fuck joy if it can be sucked from any moment.
She doesn't know what love is. She's never had it.
It would be great if my mother could prove to Corrie what love is, but she is a stupid small person herself, much in the tradition of Corrie's mother but not evil.
Corrie's God is one that demands love or the threat of eternal burning is over her head, so love has never really existed for her in any form.
The only reason I found the miserable bitch from hell tolerable anyway is because I believed her mother was literally a miserable bitch from hell. The comparison made her look real good. Smart, even. Maybe.
I have come to realize that misery is a way of life for them and they will blame the world and everyone else for their miseries. I feel sorry for Chandler because I cannot legally do anything to save him. He may suffer indoctrination, but he will know about it, and I will do everything in my power to teach him knowledge and true love. My hope is that he develops a positive wisdom and inspire strong philosophies that are true. My son will not be raised the way I would have wanted to raise a son of mine, but living in fear of losing him may never go away under her controlling rule (the "upper hand" in her words). This controlling rule would prevent my raising him the way I saw fit, and the way I feel he deserves may never have been possible. To be forced to be extra sensitive is something I have put up with for far too long and I am merely incapable of this strength. We cry not out of weakness, but for being strong too long.
My hope is that I do not recount these days hereafter as weakness but as the fulfillment of any strength l have left. Hope is strong within me, but tolerance for stupidity and weakness around me is not. I cannot help her exercise anything. I cannot help her grow. I cannot help her learn. I cannot help her be happy. These things must come from within. She expected more from me than her own mother and living together, perhaps they can enjoy their mutual misery. Chandler is the victim and he will have much to recoup from and from much he will need to recover. I may never understand the extent of indoctrination, but I will always be interested and fascinated by it. I will love him unconditionally as this is what he deserves. True love is this obligation fulfilled with commitment.
I can give him much from afar. Christmases will be lonely, but he'll receive boxes from me, filled throughout the year. Intellectual gifts that I will list for my own insurance to see that he actually receives them. I can offer him tradition later. Maybe weekends in Michigan on the lake. "Your mother would be miserable here."
He will be given the will to grow up, something Corrie lacks severely and something her mother lied to herself about. The will to grow up, the knowledge to do so, the courage by wisdom, and the strength of philosophy can come to him...and with these powers he can find unity and peace from whom he chooses. If I ever had a prayer, it would be he gets these concepts from not me alone, but I know reality may serve him differently. I will do everything I can to offer him peace without worry. Much will be expected of him in Texas, and fail he will. Failing him, they will. Fail him, they have.
Do I have myself to blame?
My weakness is too prominent, but it wasn't just me. She has made me regret my child. She has made me regret touching her. I find her repulsive and the "sex" is poor. I find her passionless, which is worse than repulsive.
This is not what love is, because love never expires, but it expires much sooner when it is never present. Love is a daily choice, we must admit, and must be supported. We must love ourselves, and only then can we love those near us. Loving God first is loving the god we have created ourselves. My god is a god of love. My god is one of empathy. My god is one of forgiveness. My god is unconditionally there for all people and especially not just for myself. My god knows we are all equal. My god wouldn't even punish those with gods who would punish others. My god...
My god...
...is not really my god. I know that any god of my mind doesn't exist outside of it. Those who believe in the existence of my god believe their god is the same, but this is stupidity.
If my god existed, after all...my god would have seen the mother of my child stronger with me. Instead, weakness prevails. Television substitutes. Books are poison because listening is difficult and learning can be sinful. The bible got it right that happy endings, there are not. But they are possible for those selfish enough to seek them. To the outside viewer, however, they are sinful in their ignorance or their greed. To make others happy, to live selflessly, this is the true form of happiness we cling to when we can. Is it possible?
No.
But we can try.
And try we must.
Try we shall.
And in doing so, we learn...true happiness is shared happiness. It's not about us, it's not even about them, it is just there. Joy.
It can be found anywhere, it can be had even more so through memory. Nostalgia is to become life's greatest feeling, for feeling itself is life's greatest offering. By definition, this is painful, but to be lucky enough to feel this pain is something of which we are all most thankful.
Tradition is sought after for this reason. Holidays were created for this reason. Religion developed from this reason. Education started for this reason.
Nostalgia.
Thanks.
Ideas.
And where have they gotten us?
They taught us to evolve.
To be progressive.
And to appreciate conservatism.
This would be the end of conservatism, even the act of loving conservatives. To be raised by them is retarded, but to open our minds is to embrace beyond. This is what I can offer.
And this is true love.
To be progressive.
And to do it alone is impossible.
To do it without family is wrong.
Chandler is true love, and they have the power to destroy it, but to reveal their mission may be his key to finding true joy in this world. His family will teach him much about themselves, because this is all they have to offer. Their expectations will be too much and blame will fall on him. He will fall.
But I will not only catch him, I will always pick him up. I will be tough. I will be firm. And I will be strong.
And he'll be warned.
So he can properly save himself and roll his eyes in lieu of suicide.
I was warned.
Her mother calls her a pill and difficult.
Her mother's husband warned me not to marry her.
Her "daddy" warned me it would be impossible, although he so supported moving away from home.
Her grandfather warned HIM and he was right.
"Living with these women is hell," he said.
Chandler will have a cushion.
Chandler will have a real salvation.
I just have to create it.
"Come to Papa's house by the beach," I will be able to say.
He can stay in my apartment and perhaps I can afford a condominium with his own room one day.
"Come stay at Papa's beach condo," I will be able to say.
"Your mama's giving you hell? Listen, it isn't her fault. She can't help it. So she can't stop it. Don't blame her, and don't blame Nana. They're morons, and my theory is confirmed with everything they say to me. They call themselves Christian, but do they treat me like Christians should? No. They never grew up, they believe in Noah and Adam and Eve and if they didn't, they wouldn't be Christians by their own standards, and loving you more than loving Jesus or loving God is sadly unchristian. If you believe in truth as you see it rather than conviction as you feel it, you'll soon learn to not only appreciate the truth, but you'll be able to feel it, too. And that's where your Mama and your Nana fail the most. Truth is for which Christ himself was born and they reject the truth. They don't know the truth, and the truth is that you are their whole life. Now, deep deep down...they would trade eternal heaven for you, they would, I know it, and that's the truth. How do I know this? Because if you ever wanted to come live with me, they wouldn't want to hear it. They would tell you anything to get you to stay, because they may believe that they can spend eternity in heaven with you...but deep down...they know that wouldn't be heaven to you at all. If I saw them in heaven, I would know heaven wasn't heaven, and if I knew they were in hell, heaven would be hell to me unless I could rescue them, and I would. Not for you, but for me. To spite god, maybe. 'Love me or burn,' says their God. That's beyond abusive. Knowing you're not here with me has me wanting to rescue you. Maybe from their evil and vengeful God. Come home, Chandler. Come see what life is all about. Come see what boredom is like when you're able to enjoy it."
And I will be happy with any of his decisions.
I will support all of his decisions.
I will be there for him no matter what.
I love him unconditionally.
And if he believes in god, he will believe in a loving god, but a firm god, and not one that relies on threat. He will believe in a god that is always there and wants the best for the world. He will see why the world experiences so much pain and suffering, and how it is caused by empathy lacking which is a symptom of education lacking which is promoted by anti-intellectualism.
He will be stronger than all that.
I will be stronger than all that..
He will see me happy, because I can make him happy.
He will learn to find happiness for himself.
And it will be far from the miserable bitches from hell.
He will live with her,
but have life with me.
Goodbye, Corrie.
Goodnight, Chandler.
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