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Notes for the Preacher
2016-08-28, 4:11 pm

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Sometimes I have evil thoughts.
About what it would be like to be a single parent. I know it's not right and when it enters my mind, I judge it out, push it out. Knowing right and doing wrong, this is eternal sin in the eyes of Jesus, and therefore truly evil, and therefore I know in my heart that I wouldn't do away with this woman...but if evil exists, I believe there's the sickness in her, and it comes from her mother. Her mother is anti-Christian, in terms of everything Christ taught, she even encourages grudges and discourages abundant life, as Christ promised...Karla is the manipulative sort and representative of control in Corrie's life...and Corrie is bound to it. Karla is her God, her religion. Karla denies Corrie true love and acceptance and joy and peace.
As trapped as Karla is, as miserable as she always will be...she is greedy and wants more. She wants ideal, wishes for that, but doesn't allow it for others...everyone should work as hard as she did...
...but then there's the sick acceptance Corrie gets from her and no other. That unconditional "love" that is faux acceptance...it's unconditional placating. "It's everyone else's fault, sweetie. Your two divorces have nothing to do with you. My two divorces are their faults."

If Karla only allowed acceptance for what is...and encouraged this acceptance in Corrie and for Corrie, she would find joy in her present life. Until that happens...I can only see her being able to lie to herself about her happiness...and that can only be so easy with Chandler present.

---------------------------

Fine, Karla. Don't accept my opinions, ideas, or feelings. I accept yours. I'm used to feeling persecuted (not just a feeling, is it? Am I wrong to feel this way?). I still appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement. I agree. Love should be the foundation. If love doesn't include acceptance, though...it's like a building by the ocean, and it's gonna sink.

-----------------------------


I know now that unconditional love cannot exist in a world where God exists. God blocks out the ability to grow and develop. You can't fall in love when God is supposed to own all your love. This is the end of faith.

I know marriage doesn't mean never separating. I know it doesn't mean commitment.
I want to lower the probability of divorce as much as possible.
Romantic, huh?

Pressure = Failure
Have to be willing to commit to a marriage and work. We can't just have a relationship where we don't develop or grow. That's not love.

I'm not going to marry someone who wanted to break up with me recently.

I feel like marriage is just expected.
If marriage is the only reason we're together, and we're not married, then I have failed. We're not married, so now what? Do we get married? Or work on a relationship worthy of marriage?

Why do I have to feel the pressure. This is the only reason why marriages fail. When there's no pressure to get married, the marriage lasts and is great for both people and their children.

I need marriage defined.
I need commitment defined.
I need love defined.
I need to be able to have discussions without depression or anxiety. I need to be able to talk and have support and acceptance. When I know we will truly work together to raise baby boy in a loving home and not hold anything against each other.
--------

Written for potential therapist, spring 2016

We need a system that I can understand.
If you're unhappy, put me in the doghouse. Kick me out of the bedroom. If I'm in the dog house for a year, that's horrible. A month is bad, but at least I would have a month to turn things around.

If we have sex, by the way, there should be an automatic law that there is no breaking up for at least thirty days after that. That should be taken for granted. You can't just have me in bed and be ready to kick me out the next day. That's so disgusting.


Pastor Tommy:


Bring letter you wrote to her.
Bring signs of abusive relationship.

I have come to the realization that we cannot go on pretending that we have a good relationship. I was unaware for the longest time that our problems were more than just normal things that many couples deal with.

These things are: Anxieties and Miseries

I truly felt these things were a part of life, not necessarily as things to avoid, but aspects of our psyche that helped us develop emotional intelligence, which is the self-control we need to operate. They were never constant in my own life. When I see these things in others people, I seek to help them or uplift them. I have always known that helping in any way can go a long way, but the only one who can eradicate these feelings is the one who feels them. I have always known this.

In Corrie, I cannot eradicate these things.
She can't, either.
She was not taught to work on these things, she was taught that they were evil and should be avoided completely. I support her decision to use anxiety medication, and I have seen that they help, but as soon as she got back on them, after the happiest last month of her pregnancy, she accused me of cheating and wanted to break up.

She requires everything the easy way.
One sure-fire way I know I can help, though temporarily, is making Channie laugh. This kiddo's smile alone is enough to trigger the same in Corrie. He is the source of her happiness, and I recognize this.

It doesn't last, however.
Corrie requires the smiles, and I agree that THESE smiles make life more than worth living, they are kryptonite to any bad mood I have, but they are only temporary fixes in Corrie's world. She needs the smiles constantly, and she can put them on herself, but they are all a facade. I fear the smiles are lies, and Corrie lies to herself to be happy.

Delusion is a disease.

For instance, I came home one night and she had been stressed about the house situation. I had had a great day and had sent her a spontaneous and random text declaring how much I loved her...
This is the exact text:
"I love you more than anything, honey.
Just want you to know that.
I hope one day you look back and really feel it was always there. "
She said "I don't think you love me the way you think." Why would she deny MY love as truth?
Because it doesn't fit her image of love.
She wants a smile, NOT just the happiness behind it.
Her definition of love is different than mine.
I NOW, finally, know what that means.
She wasn't stressed about a home for our family, she was stressed about the house.
In her world, the house is a smile, and the happiness that belongs in a home is only a minor detail.

To elaborate, getting married is about what it looks like to her family and to her faith.
It is not about A marriage or A reason to WORK together.

She still thinks my reason for not marrying her is her divorces...after I have explained over and over this isn't because I have anything against divorce, and she knows my politics prove I do not believe the past should dictate the future, but it is her own guilt talking, even though she gets no guilt trip from me. Divorce makes no difference, but I still do not wish the same for myself.

But she prefers things the easy way.
Separation is an option today. Divorce could be an option one day.
It's nice, I agree, but facing harsh realities diminishes their impact and strengthens us.
If the smiles are not there, then there is something wrong.

For instance, I came home one night and Chan didn't eat dinner. I asked what he's been eating for breakfast. Oatmeal. That's it. Every day. I suggested this is why he doesn't like to try new things. She took this as criticism. Obviously we are both at fault, and while I have presented ideas in many ways, especially including blaming myself, she only hears me talking down to her. Or criticism . I have become uncomfortable talking to her or even encouraging her in many areas. She takes encouragement as attack, and I have tried many different ways.

And she will only blame me for this.
I feel helpless.
As I'm saying this, I imagine she is thinking that it is my fault that I cannot do better. I would tell her I try, she would tell me I'm lying.

I see no ambition. I see no passion. I see no effort.
She did not want to come to this second counseling for so long because SHE had nothing to say. She's not the one who needs to change, so she suggested I go alone.

She's been this way her whole life, she has had anxiety her whole life, but now she blames me for these things.
I can't do anything right and I don't deserve appreciation. I don't have the right to have a bad day or an off day. This does not diminish my love for her and shouldn't affect Channie. Anxiety and depression are mental disorders. I think she needs help. I will support her in any way I can, and I would be there every step of the way. I am open minded that there is a lot of room for improvement on my part.

But I now know we cannot go on pretending that these things do not affect the relationship. And I am not blaming her...it is not her fault...I am not blaming ANYONE. Blame is a selfish endeavor.

We need help. And Channie will, hopefully, avoid the strong potential he has for inheriting any anxiety or depression or fear, all things I have inherited from Corrie. This is not her fault, and I have always recognized she was never at fault her whole life.

I want to marry her, but I don't think we are able to be married like this. This isn't a relationship where we both give 100%. I wish I could prove that I try, but 100% is not enough for her right now.
--
But ultimately, and this is where I will end...she chooses faith over reason. If she loses faith in me, there's nothing I can do because there's no reason I deserve more than her faith.
It's easy to get divorced.
Therefore, marriage should be easy to do.
I suggest we have a few bad apples. Intimacy and empathy. Not anxieties and miseries, everybody is tested in this world with miseries and anxieties. I'm sorry to focus on bad apples, if I focused on the good ones, we would be sitting here for a few weeks or more just to list them all. But the bad ones, They're big apples. I see no effort to throw them away and get good apples and make apple pie.. Bad apples, by the way, a few or a lot, ruins the bunch.
Anxiety. Depression. These are not bad apples.
It's what the anxieties and depression brings.
-
I'm no perfectionist in relationships, God knows that, but she has to be able to make herself happy. If she can't do that with me, then that's her choice. It's just not the right choice.
I choose happiness, but I acknowledge it isn't everything in life. I choose joy, but showing it every second would be exhausting. If you sell happiness or paradise as the purpose of life, you will think there's something wrong when you're not happy all the time.

Channie doesn't know he has to be happy all the time. This is how he is developing a sense of humor for things that are surprising, and he's able to embrace these things because he doesn't have a standard for joy.
He doesn't know fear. No standard for fear.
He sees us angry, and he has sympathy. He knows it is abnormal to see his parents angry...and because it is so rare, he isn't accustomed.
He will cry for Corrie because he sees her frustrated. He has grown accustomed to throwing fits to her.
She has suggested that he isn't allowed to be vulnerable with me, but she also knows this is entirely false.
I encourage him to laugh at every misfortune.

Plus, Anger is a part of life. Read the Old Testament!
Suffering is a part of life. Read the Gospel!
Sacrifice for the greater good.
Most Christians suggest this is love.
While I do not suggest we suffer for Chan's sake...the real problem is hate is not a part of life. It's not healthy. And this is what bitterness is. A disease. A virus. Anxiety we can't control creates a vicious circle. This is the source of a constant suffering that I do not feel, but Corrie seems to. This is what must be eliminated. Again, she has always had anxiety, but she was never taught to understand it, and only encouraged to eliminate it with medication EASILY rather than work to prevent it. Well, now it's MY fault.

I feel guilt for thinking this way, but I feel this is the truth. And we should never fear the truth. Jesus said he was born for truth, I believe he was born for truth itself. This made him the wisdom of God, as Paul said.

Lastly,
Corrie is a great person. She wants what is best for others. She knows everybody deserves a chance.
She is enough.
She can be better, but I do not ask for it for my sake.
She just doesn't try to help herself.
Chan still doesn't go down to sleep for her effortlessly, she has to work hard rather than enforce training in him.

(Training...this is schooling)

She deserves the smiles, and I wish I could give them, but I want them honestly. Emotional intelligence is something every human deserves to develop.

Skip:
For instance, I was upset at the computer not working and was frustrated to have to fix the issue. She became anxious about my situation. I didn't snap or insult her or complain, I simply went about my business. She would claim I ruined her whole day. Joking later, she exclaimed sarcastically "I love how you can just change your mood."
This was her suggesting I shouldn't be able to.

Start:
This is control ourselves. Emotional intelligence is how we grow. This is using our anxieties and choosing to progress rather than taking a step back. Our definitions of progress are not the same...mine is to develop and grow...hers is to expand and establish.

I don't want to ask for strength, I wish I could do it all, but apparently I am just not strong enough.

We need help.
------------———


-----------------——•——
Why have we not come sooner?
I wanted this dialogue to occur over a month ago.
She felt she didn't need it.
She does not recognize changes needed in herself.
What has changed?
Why am I so bad?
What creates bitterness?
I'm not easy to live with, apparently, but why? Do I ask for anything? Yeah, I try to be a real parent and there have been times where I've tried to encourage her meeting me half way, but no matter how I phrase anything, these things are taken as criticism. So I am in a box, per se.

What does Chandler need in a father?
The root of why she cannot be happy - nothing to do with me. Happiness comes from within and what dictates that is selfishness or selflessness or both.
We talked about commitment last time.
My worry is that Corrie wants things easy and would refuse to do what is right if it requires more effort. I believe she would prefer to live with her mom and her mom raise Chandler.

She told my mother I don't respect her faith. This is just false. If I did not respect her faith, I would demand she grows up and encourage Bible study to find Jesus. But I truly believe Corrie is a moral human being and that she does the actions that Jesus inspired. Her morality is beyond that of her mother, who fears the light in this world, she fears equality if it helps the poor and the sick.

She will say she wants to do right by Channie.
I don't believe this.
I believe she wants to do right by her.
And her hope would be that it would be good enough for Chan.
For instance, she doesn't think about a nice home for our family, she wants the house.
On Saturday, she suggested not pursuing house hunting plans on Sunday, and rather than wasting time arguing, I supported her decision...by not arguing. She took this as being uncaring.
She doesn't care just about a loving relationship, I sure don't get credit or appreciation (although I am contemplating asking for it just so Chan can see how hard I Try in the future, I am sure his efforts would be met with appreciation), she cares about a marriage license.
She doesn't care about reason to be married, she doesn't care about marriage, she cares about her faith and to do right by the pressure she gets from her family. I did not grow up with this weight on my shoulders, and while I can sympathize in my respect for her faith, I cannot lie to myself that marriage would answer any prayer.
She doesn't care about giving emotionally, she cares about being just good enough so that I have no right to complain or argue. I don't, but if I talk about my feelings, I am seen as critical or unappreciative.
She doesn't care that I am good enough, she wants more. I spent a hundred bucks on a date and yet because I wasn't getting drunk, she had it stuck in her mind that I felt she wasn't fun. I told her about my anxiety that day, she was absolutely sympathetic...but this sympathy lasted less than the time it took for the movie to start and she reverted to being all about her.
And the pressure she gets from her family has taken its toll.
She focuses on herself in our relationship. For instance, there's nothing wrong with her. In fact, she didn't want to follow through with this counseling a month ago because SHE didn't have any problems, and suggested I go alone if I had any problems. She's perfect, or good enough in her mind. For instance, I have a bad day, she goes on a self-righteous rant about how good I have it and have no right to be frustrated in life. It isn't her fault, therefore the only guilt she has when it comes to marriage is her own divorces, and to this day, she insists this is why I don't want to marry her. She's said this ten times or so, and no matter how many times I prove her wrong, for instance, I'm a liberal, and while I wish divorce on nobody, I don't judge anyone based on how many divorces they have had. If that was the case, I would think less of both Karla and Rodney.
I no longer think she's a good pers
I see no ambition. I see no passion.
I see her not learning. Not trying. Not evolving.
For instance, I come home and Chan's asleep or has just woken up. This is normal. He will go a week without letting her sleep, but every weekend, every weekend, I make sure she's able to sleep. And Chan sleeps for almost three hours!
I think she is selfish and abusive.
To me, and to Chandler.
She will get frustrated easily. This is NOT normal, and I mean this is not constant or always. Objectively, obviously she is a great mother...but she does not try to be better in areas where she is lacking. She isn't lacking in a major way, if you ask her she's doing "just fine." I don't disagree. For instance, one day, I suggested that Chan doesn't eat very well because he needs to try new things. She immediately became self-involved to the extent that she felt I was attacking her. She felt I clearly wasn't blaming myself, even though I am just as guilty, so automatically she jumps to criticism from me to her.

She's been this way her whole life, she has had anxiety her whole life, but she blames me for these things.
I can't do anything right and I don't deserve appreciation. This does not diminish my love for her and shouldn't affect Channie. Anxiety and depression are mental disorders. I think she needs help. I will support her in any way I can, and I would be there every step of the way. But I now know we cannot go on pretending that these things do not affect the relationship. And I am not blaming her...it is not her fault...I am not blaming anyone. We need help. She needs help. And Channie will, hopefully, avoid the strong potential he has for inheriting any anxiety or depression or fear, all things I have inherited from Corrie. This is not her fault, and I have always recognized she was never at fault her whole life.

I want to marry her, but I don't think we are able to be married. This isn't a relationship where we both give 100%. I wish I could prove that I am, but even if I were, 100% is not enough for her.

But ultimately, and this is where I will end...she chooses faith over reason. If she loses faith in me, there's nothing I can do because there's no reason I deserve more than her faith.
This is why it's so easy for her to break up.
It's easy to get divorced.
Therefore, marriage should be easy to do.
I suggest we have a few bad apples. Intimacy and empathy. Not anxieties and miseries, everybody is tested in this world with miseries and anxieties. I'm sorry to focus on bad apples, if I focused on the good ones, we would be sitting here for a few weeks or more just to list them all. But the bad ones, They're big apples. I see no effort to throw them away and get good apples and make apple pie.. Bad apples, by the way, a few or a lot, ruins the bunch.
Anxiety. Depression. These are not bad apples.
It's what the anxieties and depression brings.
I'm no perfectionist in relationships, God knows that, but she has to be able to make herself happy. If she can't do that with me, then that's her choice. It's just not the right choice.
I choose happiness, but I acknowledge it isn't everything in life. If you sell happiness as the point of life, you will think there's something wrong when you're not happy all the time.

Channie doesn't know to be happy all the time.
He doesn't know fear.
He sees us angry, and he has sympathy.
Anger is a part of life. Read the Old Testament!
Suffering is a part of life. Read the Gospel!
Hate...though...hate is not a part of life. It's not healthy. And this is what bitterness is. A disease. A virus. This is what must be eliminated.
------------———

Spring 2016:
To see Pastor Tommy

One day is all it takes for her to explode.

I'm afraid to ask for help financially.
I have to be the man.
If I'm not...
She can just immediately jump to "I'm done. You're an asshole. That's what I believe. I don't know why, it's just what I believe."

I had written a letter explaining how I felt she was abusive, and she ended the relationship right there. I pleaded for her not to push me away. We were fine once we got back on track after that. But God forbid me acting traumatized, because she can "forgive and forget" the next day, but she never really forgets. And she certainly doesn't forgive. She acts on faith only. She'll believe she forgives, but I am certain this is just a belief or a lie she tells herself.

Every thing is my fault.
In her mind, she spins it to my fault. I learn she gave away $350 and I got a credit card just to pay her car insurance. I don't get mad. I get quiet. Then I talk about it, and confirm I would never tell her what to do with her money...and yet, could I do the same? No. Because I have to provide.
I don't care where it went...but I care that it was so selfish. She did it for "blessings" that she believes she gets when she tithes.
Where's the evidence?

She could say I'll be blessed if I do the same.
I know there's no evidence of that.
Where are we blessed?
I think we've been blessed by her parents, not by God. My parents have blessed us. She doesn't act blessed. She gets depressed. More on that later.

She could say I'm hell-bound if I don't tithe, but this would be a fear tactic that also doesn't work on me. She could think less of me if only she simply thinks this. This is madness in my mind. I follow the word and message of Jesus and I am extremely outspoken about my beliefs and encourage others to do the same. I don't spread the anti-intellectual doctrine that consists of all religion. I consider myself, in your words, a disciple of Christ, and I acknowledge that I can only give my best effort. I try, and I refuse to be self-righteous about it.

Skip this part
How many in your congregation are still going to vote against the "least of these?" How many don't care about the sick or the poor. How many not only haven't heard the words of Jesus but reject them? How many more, like her mama, are afraid of the liberals in this country who want their taxes going to help the least of us? To know right and willingly reject it is sin. To think of the helpers as evil...that's eternal sin.

We fight about marriage
The longer we don't get married, the more bitter she is as if marriage would solve anything
Complains I can't talk, but talking leads to fighting and she explodes

Says I'm full of shit...gave me vday card thanking me for being so good to her and Channie

Seeing how her family believes and has faith has me questioning my own more than ever, but there's a fear of venturing too far into the world of knowledge, because what if there is no God? If I were to figure that out, test the probability, then again, I'm not good enough for her. If Chan is taught fear of doubting, he will only have shame for his true feelings. And Corrie claims he can feel vulnerable around her, but not if she teaches God is judging us all the time, because he'll know the truth...her family will be judging him the whole time.

This is religion to me. She subscribes to a faith, and that faith is her own.
"This is how I feel" she says about things with no truth. Like the idea that I make her mad...never do I seek to make her mad.

If she's in a bad mood, she gets angry if I'm in a good mood. "Wish I could just change my mood magically" she said after I had to fix the computer one day.
If I'm in a bad mood, all hell breaks loose and I feel like I have to get as far away as I can.

I came home from a movie one night and she was depressed about our situation. I told her how Channie cares so much about her and cares nothing for our housing situation. She cut herself and he got down on his knees to put his hand on her. Nobody can get her out of depression, not even Chan. This was just a few days before I had a rough day and then she went on this self-righteous rant about how good she is to me and why I have no right to have a rough day.

She prefers the easy way.
We talked about teaching Chan manners. Start with thank you in sign language. She tried. One day.
Teaching him his alphabet.
He had so many letters down. Now it's just B and D.
And the alphabet puzzle? Upside down. Couldn't find all the letters.

This is what scares me about divorce.

Faith over reason.

Selfishness. Has to end in a relationship.

Sense of entitlement ... Judgmental ... Says my politics are "the dark side" as far as her family is concerned
------
For pastor Tommy:
Winter, early 2016, Texas
I told Corrie the reason Chan doesn't eat anything is because he's used to the same thing everyday. She took this as me blaming her.

Obviously it's not Channie's fault, but Inwish it were more obvious that I meant no blame. Blame is a selfish endeavor.
Then I thought about that...is it really easy for her or easy for Chan to feed him the same thing? Corrie likes things easy. Is she selfish?

Her mom is greedy and feeds him sugar because SHE likes sugar, not because Chan likes sugar.

I have said for years that true happiness is living selflessly. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves especially in front of kiddies...I think this is to set an example, not to be selfish. I want the best for Chan, and I know Corrie does, too. She's not blatantly or overtly selfish. She just has these tendencies that are inspired by her mother.

Prove to me it's not Christ-like to be selfish. This is obvious to me in the gospel, but where else?

Do you like movies?
Stories.
Make the world go round. Open you to empathy, empathy, intellect...knowledge...and wisdom.
I used to think everything happens for a reason.
Now I merely find reason in everything that happens. I try to learn from it. I have grown.
That's all you need to know about me.
That's how my morality evolved.

New information...needed confirmation
Anxious about a call
Boss had idea the customer was anxious, waiting
Offered the idea to call her to give update
Waiting on all information
Boss became livid I wasn't doing what she didn't even ask
She suffers from anxiety and depression
Also religious

Help me figure out how to be the man Corrie needs
(Aug 2016 update: A man who will give her all she wants)

God in our relationship
Parents out

Corrie to seek God for happiness
Not to allow anyone, Chandler, myself, or her mom
to have an effect

Help us realize the love Chandler deserves

Advice to practice love without approval or marriage

"Let the children come to me"
Nothing forced on Channie, like it was to me at one point

My faults:
While I strive to have an emotional intelligence, I cannot always relate to worrisome and anxious.
I expect a lot from a Christian, both in faith and politically. I want to be the strength that Chandler needs, and I want Corrie to be who she is...but I refuse to believe she is very much like her mother.
I expect nothing from her mother.
She has lost my faith, and because of that reason alone, I have lost hers.

Corrie is a sweet heart, a good person, and a good Christian, but her anxiety and depression are results from being raised by her mother. It's not her mom's fault, but her mother was abusive without knowing she was being abusive.

According to the Pilate conversation, why was Christ born?
Anything less than truth is not Christ-like.
I believe Corrie's family fears truth.
And speaking truth, I feel condemned.
They do not approve of me.
They call me "high and mighty" and "self righteous."
That being said...I feel, like we all do, that I always do the right thing. Now, regret is something we can certainly relate to, and even I am not immune to the feeling of guilt. That being said, there's nowhere I would rather be. So it's hard for me to say that I regret and my lack of regret seems to be my antidote for guilt.
Yet, we are here because we are both guilty of being without perfect empathy. Perfection should be defined as imperfection and this must be acceptable. Seeking perfection is seeking a fairy tale in reality. This is impossible and happiness would be impossible.
Happiness is living selflessly.
Corrie's family are always seeking happiness, never experiencing it. So, their faith would have her alone and they don't listen to reason for Chandler to have the loving family he deserves.
Jesus on the Importance of seeking happiness?

Find common ground.
What is important to Corrie?
Christ? Check. Good role model
Family? Check. Needs a village
Love? That's where we need to find common ground
Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in them

Is it important that Chandler has two loving parents?
Is it important that we are the ones who raise this boy?
With God, all things are possible. With love.

Corrie has pill. Bad for Chan, but ultimately good for our family.
Intimacy is my drug. I am rejected.

-----------•------------•--------—--------
Corrie to focus on the good
Be the optimist
Be the love that Chandler deserves
I'll do the same no matter what.
But together as a team is what Chandler deserves.

I believe true happiness only comes from living selflessly, as Jesus did.

While my beliefs are exercised in private, open forums are a release for me, and a practice. I know many angry atheists, and stubborn theists who try to spread words but do not accept any.

Karla and her father are exactly the same.
They will never approve.
If I spend my life trying to gain their approval, I will have wasted my life. I want the approval of Corrie and Chandler when he's 25, maybe.
He will respect her like I treat her with respect. She's laughing when she's around me and that's my goal, to make her laugh.

What did Christ say about gaining knowledge?
Importance of learning?
What does the Bible say about seeking wisdom?
Seeking love in a union?
What is happiness? How do we gain happiness?
Why was Christ born? Say to Pilate?
Im here to speak the truth.
Anything less than truth is anti-Christ

All I want....

Is to live with Corrie and Chandler on a beach sonewhere we swim all day and relax all night.

All I really want is a love that is true love.
Acceptance and understanding and uncontitional.
I want to hold hands everywhere and kiss goodnight every day.
But I don't desire these things for me...I want Channie to see what true love is and accept nothing less from a partner he spends his life with. I want him to know what simple happiness is...and I want him to understand that true happiness comes from living selflessly.

When I met Corrie, I had a lot to learn.
I had never read the Bible and I wasn't educated politically.
When I met Chandler, I learned what love is...and in discovering her beliefs, I sought the teachings of Christ to learn about love. And I became invested in politics to understand the future Channie will experience.

I educated myself. I wanted not to be influenced by opinion or belief...I wanted to hear the word of God from the Gospels. I study the history of Christ. I learn from theologian scholars, I learn from philosophers of the past and present. I became passionate about politics as religion has been highly influenntial.

But what I have learned about Corrie's family is that none of this is good enough. They have their own beliefs. Their own philosophy. Their own politics. Their own Christ. And their own definition of "love."

If it were up to any of them, any of them, Corrie would be a single mother and Chandler would be seeking a father figure in God or anyone else. I feel they don't care about Corrie because their idea of God comes first, and they don't believe in a loving God as defined by love or affection as the dictionary might.

I have decided that I'll never give up...but more and more I try to be the man Corrie needs...and it has pushed me into a wall. I feel I cannot question her without insulting her...

...but it comes from her family, too. It comes from her anxiety. Her depression. Her self-esteem. Her guilt.

If I could take it all on for her...I would. I would adjust with all her worries...if she could live in peace. But there would still be her family.

If sleeping on the couch is what it takes to live in a home of grace, we can fill in the blanks with all the love we have left, but I fear it would be lacking without welcoming, intimacy, affection.

I fear he'll see me drown.
He'll see Corrie and I alone.
He'll fear following in our footsteps since they do not appear to have walked next to each other.
I fear he will be scared to question his mom or fear saying something that might offend her or upset her...and I fear I won't be there to answer him or help him find what he's looking for.

I'll do whatever it takes as long as we are both true to ourselves. I don't want our differences to change. We are so different that Chandler would have to turn out to be a well rounded human being. understanding. So full of empathy. So full of humility. A humble, peaceful, wise little guy. More than that, Corrie's laugh and our sense of humor...this is Chandler! This guy is gonna be hilarious.

Maybe he won't be the sweetest at advice but quick if you're interested in a sarcastic comment.

Chandler deserves love. He deserves to be surrounded by it, immersed in it.

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Have you missed any?
Letter to Corrie ~ Questions ~ Threat - 2016-09-04
My Goal for Life and Chandler - 2016-09-04
Many Contradictions ~ Problem Solving - 2016-09-04
Letter to the Evil Mother - 2016-08-29
Message to the Evil Mother - 2016-08-29
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