"A true Alpha always has control of himself and the situation..
Beta are needy, possessive, and lose control."
-anon #reddit
8-26-16
Karla tries to tell me this is going to happen over trust. She means faith, Corrie has no faith in me.
"There's more to love than love."
"You're so stupid."
"It's not about the money."
"Just show her what you have in your savings account, that's all you have to do."
"----is it really so simple? You make that sound simple. If it were that simple, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
"It is that simple."
"But it's not about the money?"
"It's about trust."
"About the money."
"Yes!"
^Literal conversation
If I am guilty of not stopping the argument in front of Chandler, then so are you. But because you think in opposites, if you are guilty, then you are also not guilty and it is all my fault. But fact of the matter is, you didn't stop it, and I should have and am ashamed I didn't, because the reason I didn't was that I wanted you to see Corrie in her heated moment and how she speaks in front of him. I was calm. You were not calm, Corrie was not calm. I was calm. Chandler was calm. We are used to it. But even if I wasn't at fault, you believe I was at fault. So what's your reasoning? Why didn't you stop it?
You're a disease, Karla. You've been wrong your whole life and you are so backwards, you don't even see that your mind is so corrupt that any God you believe in would be ashamed of you. "Away from me, I never knew you."
My God is all loving, and that's the God you don't believe in. So either you're wrong...or I am.
(And this is why I'm an atheist)
There is no God that exists. It would be ideal for a god to exist, but idealism is fantasy. Karla says how things should have been...I think in ways they could be...and Corrie brings us to a reality and yet is so caught in the middle that she believes in opposites like her mother. I am not, however, irrational, and I "do so many things right," which means I do so many things wrong. For everything I do right, they have to invent something I do wrong.
She chose to latch onto the money.
My savings account. Money I haven't touched since being with her, money that never came up, was never an issue.
The contradictions were astounding and they didn't stop there whatsoever. Fear of not knowing...and needing security...Corrie has needs and I try to provide and am slightly impotent at the moment, just before my first paycheck with Publix.
Because there's a mystical savings account that holds all the power, they fear it's power, but if it is made a reality, then that fear is gone. The way to make it real is for me to present it.
Corrie has made up her mind. She worships her mother and wants to make it on her own. With Chandler, that's possible? With my savings, the mystical version, perhaps she believes that's what she needs. Without it, she has much unknown in front of her.
"You gotta read the whole bible, not just the parts you want to read." We are living in sin, marriage would set it right and separating is better. The contradictions are everywhere.
She is both a nurse practitioner, which requires caring for people and wanting to care for people, and hates people and just thinks everyone else is stupid.
"Topher, you live in a fantasy, I'm telling you how things should have been."
What I wanted to have said:
"Isn't that you living in a fantasy? I'm saying how things...could be...you are so focused on how things should have been, but that's not reality. You live in a fantasy, and you'll hurt that boy in the process."
"You just need to come home and act like everything is alright."
"You live in a fantasy."
"Rodney will put the fear of God in Topher."
"Topher needs to come to Jesus."
Jesus did not encourage fear. This was said to Corrie when Rodney was going to give me an ultimatum if I didn't propose. I was planning on doing it on our anniversary no matter what. This was a few months before 4-20
"You should only make your decisions out of love, not hate. That's what the gospels are all about!"
"You're only reading the parts you want to read. You have to read the whole bible."
Corrie and Karla are hateful miserable people.
"Topher, you are...different."
As if I'm weird. (Which I strive to be)
"People don't hate, we are only taught to hate."
"No they're not."
She means we are born and bred in fear.
"You're condescending."
"Do I mean to be?"
"You don't mean to be, but you are."
This is fucking narcissism.
"You're always out on that porch reading."
Karla's highlight this week was getting internet back on her phone.
"You're a bookworm!" This was meant as an insult.
"What do you think he's learning from you reading around him?"
"Maybe that's why he flips pages in books so well, maybe that's why he can sit and look through books."
If I bring up the parables of Jesus, she doesn't think about the meaning, she says "you're not Jesus."
Why take everything literally?
Chandler, don't take it all literally. It's not possible and that's not why the bible stories were written. They are not historical and they're not meant to be historical. They're meant to tell a story and get a truth across. If we fear something, that's our choice, but if we are TOLD to fear something, it's harder to make that choice. So, if someone wants you to fear something and tells you just the facts, you have the objective perspective that makes it not so scary, but if someone tells you to fear something by embellishing the facts, the truth of their point comes across. Karla and Corrie can't think beyond what's in front of them. That's why they make decisions based on fear of the moment.
Chandler will be raised to blame me if I'm ever not there for him. She said "I want him to love both of you, I would never tell him to blame you," but when I said if he needed me and I wasn't there, it would be my fault. "Well, it would be."
"You believe what you want to believe."
"Yeah yeah, whatever you say."
Then: "It is all a choice, faith is a choice. We do believe what we choose to believe."
"If you had said 'Chan can be the parent when I'm not here' to me, I would have slapped you."
"Because you're a violent person."
"I never hit people. I think about it and don't."
"But you said you would."
"I would have."
"You're controlling!"
"You have no right to be yourself and have you time when you get home. That's for Corrie. She's stuck at home all day, she needs adult conversation."
"You going out and talking to your dad, that makes us feel paranoid!"
"We fear what we don't know, so you need to tell us everything."
Faith, we believe what we want to believe and in belief of two contradicting views, you can trap what you want to believe in the middle. Of course, Jesus didn't die for sin, he died for their son and Chandler is a sinner...he was born in sin and will be raised as a sinner. We hate because we are human and we don't believe in the messages or the parables of Jesus, just that he died for them, and was born for them.
"You can't quote the bible if you don't live by the bible," and unfortunately they mean Corrie and I having sex out of wedlock. There's no way around their views...and Chandler will be raised to believe this was my fault...he will hate his existence because of how he came into existence...for he was born from and in sin. That's the disease eating away at our relationship.
"I'm not proud of how you two are living (in sin)."
"I'm always proud of her. I'll always love her. I'll always accept her."
I told her she should always be proud and be proud of that little boy.
I have to deal with Corrie giving up. I have to pretend like everything is okay, and I have no right to be me (this was established verbatim). When I walk through that door, I am there for her. Chandler will be forced to be there for her. His childhood will be destroyed to focus on his mother. If he says anything to hurt her, he will be guilted.
"She doesn't believe anyone will love her."
"She doesn't want you."
"You make her very happy."
"My daughter loves you."
"You make her miserable 90% of the time."
- Facebook messenger, Text messages
I said I wanted love and a home and dogs and Chandler to have two loving parents. But it cannot come naturally. We need help.
"I just want you to free me, release me..."
Corrie said I was forcing her to stay and be miserable.
This isn't bipolar...this is Narcissism Disorder...that's really all. Fueled by fear and hate...and she's a hateful person (saying this out loud may have been a mistake). But it isn't for other people, it's just for me. And I said that it would be worth it...that I would teach her to love. Karla said she's never had love. Corrie said she doesn't believe love will happen for her.
"You could be with another woman and she wouldn't know."
"That'd be a reason to leave me, if that were true. That's unfaithful ."
"It could be true and she would never know."
"She can believe that, but it'd be based on an irrational fear...there's no evidence of that. Never in my history have I ever done something like that."
But I didn't say I'm not cheating on her...and this is my crime.
"You can have your toys and your money."
She thinks I'm being materialistic.
Corrie is the one without love or passion. As am I, though. This is a diseased relationship.
It's 1:10am. I work at 6am.
Corrie's given up and her mother being here is making it real for her. It's all exploding and there's no forgiveness. And they say to live a biblical life.
"We're all sinners."
Karla's purpose:
"I see your true colors," she was trying to make me feel hateful. I realize it now, she was creating differences and separating us with hate. "Corrie's hateful." "Why do you want to be with her, then?"
I wrote this after that night:
I very angry message.
She wanted to see me angry.
Fuck you, Karla. Yes, I think very little of you, but you're not less than me. You feel...you feel like I feel that you're less than me...
No, you don't feel like I feel...about anything.
For her:
Just to clear one thing up: You said I have a very low opinion of you.
This means you feel like I feel that you're less than I am.
You do not feel like I feel...
Okay?
I do not feel like anybody on this earth is less or more than anybody else, but you do think that way.
And this is why you think the way that you do about me...this is why you feel that way. Nobody is better than anybody else...nobody. I believe Chandler should be the main consideration, but the foundation of a good relationship is love. Acceptance. Trust. Communication. All of it.
You're a piece of shit. But so am I.
--------
8:30, Aug 24th
"I think you and your mama should read to Chan," suggesting he be read to in her mama's voice.
"You know, I read to him every day, right?"
She was getting defensive, was she taking offense to my suggestion? Karla witnessed this, did Corrie have reason to be defensive?
----
My dream is going to the beach every weekend, hearing music every day, and having sex every night. To have true intimacy and affection. To be welcomed and welcoming and independent as well. To have animals (dogs) and trees and nature and experience life all around us. If I can eat healthy and exercise enough naturally, then I could live forever and truly live.
To live this way is freedom.
To seek knowledge,
To develop wisdom,
And inspire philosophy.
For my son, I want to be an influence that inspires a positive philosophy.
I want him to learn to be accepting.
Then, he can experience true joy, true peace, and true love. The greatest of these is love.
------
Had I known she worshipped her mother and refused to grow up beyond that, I would have certainly insisted on staying in Texas at an apartment to figure out our lives without pressure. She wanted to be progressive, though. She wanted the house and the life. Florida wasn't meant to be like trying on clothes, it was meant to be a hole in the ground. She dug this hole, I dug this hole, we dug this hole, and now we must make it right for Chandler.
Corrie is an extremist. Extreme emotions and extreme changes. It's drastic, but that's reality. I can deal with them, but I fear the drastic decisions that might ultimately harm our baby. That's what needs to be controlled, and I don't want to even have the power to control her emotions, that has to be all Corrie.
Karla is a terrorist. Terrorism is a childish tactic to get what you want, and Corrie's threats of taking Chandler have to stop. If she is to worship her mother, and if Chandler is to worship her mother, then she has to leave and she's free to go because I don't want that control. I know that living with her mother isn't the right thing for Chandler, though...it may be right for Corrie...I have no argument against that...but it's wrong for Chandler. God won't punish Corrie if that's what she decides...he'll punish Chandler. And I'll blame myself for not being there for him. I want to be there for him, I need to be...and he needs me to be.
The most important years...our twenties...mine were spent moving from life to life, relationship to relationship, and never giving up. I'm not proud of my twenties, I'm not ashamed either. I hope Corrie isn't ashamed, either, but her twenties were spent living in her mother's house, in a cabin. 12 years or so, right? She had experience in that time, but was it educational? Or negative?
1. I want to work on building a bond based on trust. I want to teach her that I want the best for her, which is the strongest version of herself.
1. I want her to trust and accept herself. She is currently tormented by her mother and she doesn't even know it. I have had countless conversations with her mother about encouraging Corrie positively and without pressure of any kind. I believe if her mother would have nothing negative to say, Corrie would have zero anxiety in her life.
When we're bad: "Stay with the asshole"
When we're good: "Now make him commit."
When we are good, her mother focuses on what's next "now make him commit." Corrie lives under the ideals of her mother, who focuses on what SHOULD have been done, and it's based on a fantasy alternate reality. Corrie lives in reality which is why she said yes when I asked her to marry me.
When we are not good, when Corrie has anxieties and is in defense mode, her mother encourages the relationship out of morality but manipulates Corrie's perspective to keep her rooted in frustration. When I spoke with her mother, she said Corrie doesn't trust me, but then talked about how she doesn't trust me. Corrie doesn't think for herself, she does what her mother tells her, which is "stay with the asshole." That's not positive, that's horribly manipulating Corrie's feelings. Both her and her mother know that I'm a good person, but I'm kept on thin ice for their own sense of control, which is always based on negativity. Her mother is a miserable human being, even confirming so with an Elvis song about misery. "He's singing right to me," she'll say. She has a husband she can control, a man who hardly thinks let alone thinks for himself, and she still acts like a child around him. "Why why why why why," she said almost stomping her feet when he wouldn't follow her suggestion of cutting our couch in half to get it in our apartment.
2. We need love. In biblical terms, all I am asking for is acceptance. Marriage will come, but that is not a reason to stay together. We need to just accept each other and accept ourselves before we make commitments.
Corrie doesn't have the self esteem or confidence to be in a relationship, so in a relationship she needs not a partner, but a parent. She wants to be treated like a child without feeling like she is being treated like a child. Don't talk down to her, but talk to her with compliments and encouragement.
I propose we focus our strengths on parenting and teaching baby boy and setting a good example, and when she sees me with him, and when I watch her with him, we will fall in love. There is nothing greater to me than watching baby boy and his mama smile at each other.
With acceptance, she will not only be okay when he's upset, she will understand he's crying to get what he wants, and embracing his tears will teach him not to be so selfish because they will be united in comfort, and that's really all he needs.
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