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For the Therapist (if Corrie came to the light of love)
2016-09-09, 10:08 pm

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Therapist:

They, (Karla and potentially Corrie to the same extreme), believe in opposites and think in contradictions. They say one thing and say the other or declare differently in their next thought.
"This could all end if you just tell her what's in your savings account, and you two could have trust in your relationship."
And "She's made up her mind, and she can't trust you."
Even though I wouldn't break the trust, it is what she latched onto...it's faith. It's belief in a truth and inventing the opposite...but their faith is not based on love, it's not positive, it's not good. Certainly they don't believe in a higher power or something greater than them. They worship themselves, specifically Karla. That's all Corrie needs in her life. Why did we go to Florida with this fear of Karla? Because in Texas, there was no fear. After Texas, as soon as we got to Michigan, there was the fear, and Karla fought to poison her mind.
"Stay with that asshole."
"I'm proud of you for trying Florida, something new, something that isn't really going to work out."
"He's using his savings for this whole thing, so don't give him such a hard time for lying to you and keeping it from you and forcing you into debt."
Everything she says is contradictory and negative. She is a miserable person, and she will take Corrie down with her...and Chandler will suffer as the ultimate victim.

1. Focus on my intentions, my goals, and my hopes and dreams. No more can we say I'm condescending if you know that I don't intend to be. No more can you say I'm insulting if you know I don't mean to be.

2. What is self-righteousness? Another feeling you think I feel? I do try to be better, better than myself, but there is no competition to defining sides and there is no benefit to me winning or thinking I'm better at parenting. Making each other better should be part of our efforts, but quitting so that you're not challenged is detrimental to our child.

3. Most important: Live IN the moment. I know I had an immature girlfriend with "live for the moment" for a tattoo and she was always trying to live for the moment, striving for a moment that would never come. Living IN the moment is accepting the time being. Whatever is happening, we deal with it out of love and acceptance and no matter how low it gets, we can find joy from that. Rather than giving Chandler what he is demanding, we give him what he needs. He doesn't need a cookie. Nobody needs a cookie. He needs to be entertained. If he's hungry, we eat together. He'll eat better and more that way. I'm not saying this to be controlling, snacks are okay, but you need to monitor snacks. You're the parent too, not Chandler. I know it upsets you when I say that, but I promise I don't hate you or think you're weak or a bad mother. But you don't live in the moment. You are encouraging him to be needy. To be spoiled.
There will come a time when you can do this...even in heavy traffic, even with a crying baby. Where you can enjoy and create memories and with that...Chandler will not be so upset. Because his mother will not be so upset. Only then can Chandler know true love.

Learn from Jesus:
Women with the lanterns
I'm not saying you are anybody here, don't listen as a subjective audience, listen objectively, for what it meant for Jesus.
5 wise girls and five foolish ones are going to meet Jesus..."the bridegroom" in the parable.
The foolish ones are so focused on what will happen, when they will meet him...that they are not thinking in the moment. They forget oil for their lamps.
The wise women have oil, so the foolish beg for their oil when they actually need it, after their lamps are dimming. The wise tell them to take care of themselves, so they go to buy oil and they miss the bridegroom. Then they pray to him, essentially, they go up to the door with their oil and their lamps "Lord, lord...open the door! Do this for us!"
"I don't know you. Keep watch. Because you do not know the day or the hour."

He's saying they don't live in the moment. They are not prepared for the time being, because they were always thinking ahead. Many people are stuck in the past, and they also have no oil for their lamps. But again we have the image of light, and this is enlightenment, literally.

4. If you can do these three things, you're doing them for yourself. Not for me, and not for Chandler...but you do know that the ultimate purpose is for Chandler. We heard "Don't attach your happiness to anything that can be taken from you" the last time we went to church. Your family is important and therefore they're important to me, whether or not I think they're stupid and selfish, I will NEVER think or believe they deserve less in the world. We are equals. This is most important, you and I are equals...so if I can help you feel that, that's my goal. If I make you feel less, then I'm wrong, but if you know I don't intend to make you feel less and you choose to feel that way out of fear or superstition that I Think that, then I think you are wrong. You always have the right to be yourself, you can always do what YOU want to do and I support that. My hope is that Chandler will be a main consideration but you will be top priority to you, Chandler will be top priority to him, and that's where his need for his Papa should come into consideration.

I don't need to live in constant fear of losing him, because that would be miserable. I can focus on peace, I'm not miserable, but I know Chan will hurt without me. That's not what he wants. That's not in his best interest.

So...
1. Focus on my meaning, not your wild interpretations. I'm no mind reader. Certainly do not focus on interpretations from somebody outside.
2.Make each other better, no one is always right.
3. Live in the moment. Don't just have expectations and wants.
4. One rule: We are equals. This should be taken for granted.

If I made you miserable, if I didn't allow you to be happy, I would understand a deserves hatred of me. I would hate myself. If it wasn't something I thought I could help you with, like worshipping of your mom, then I would also have no problem with you leaving. All I'm asking for is honest effort, and do it with Chandler as our ultimate purpose and find your own reasons. My hope is that your reasons aren't...owning a house...or always having a car that is paid off. My hope is that the joy you have with a family of two guys who want to be your family and need to be...is supremely better than the joy you tell yourself you have with a broken family living with narcissists that truly are not proud of you and don't make you feel better about yourself. They are the reason you feel shame and anxiety, but we can't blame them...it's how they were raised. Love them. Show them what joy looks like. They'll want to come to Florida more and see your life more.

Your mama will see you happy and if she's a good mother, she will be happy with that. She won't just say "now make him commit." She will allow us to work on our relationship and she won't involve herself and she won't be involved. She'll be invited, of course, and I will learn to welcome her again with time and trust. But she's gotta be pushed to the side for now. She is negativity, and we cannot afford that, and Chandler deserves better.

I'm a good father.
I'm a good person.
And I'm going to love you unconditionally.
And I believe that we can be "in love," but what that means is mutual acceptance. With that, there will be a selflessness that can grow into intimacy. Then we can be truly "in love."
What else do you need?

Why is her mother a narcissist?
We have had many conversations, political for instance, where she says "What about me?"
She doesn't do things for Corrie, she does things for herself and forces Corrie to deal with it. Her divorce for instance, to this day she regrets how she handled it. They reject the teachings of Jesus when it comes to helping the poor and the sick so they vote against these aides. SHE had to work hard, so everyone else must work hard. Except her daughter, who has been conditioned to be paranoid about a savings account I have...as if it's a threat. I would understand more if I were in debt...and hiding that from her. But I'm not. Rodney was, actually. Not paying bills and Karla illegally researched his reports and found the truth. She is selfish. And she contradicts herself with everything she says, she doesn't think unless it's right in front of her. This is why she wants to keep Corrie right in front of her, otherwise she doesn't trust me to give Corrie complete control. And she uses the accusation that I'm "controlling" to control me. She claimed I gave Corrie options and was controlling and that's why we went to Florida. She blamed me for the move when it was both of us who decided and Corrie knew that a Texas apartment was the best option and my first choice.
She knows I don't fear her, though, and that's why I'm a threat. Corrie fears her, worships her. And Chan will be forced to as well. This is the way of the narcissist.

She believes "God" grants her special favors while ignoring the suffering of millions of children each day. After the Phillippines, she talked to me about how here in America, we need to work hard to feed our children. I said "so in the Phillippines, they just need to work harder?"
"There's no hope down there," she told me.
"So what about making our hopes realized here in America?"
"You know, Topher, the world is going to end, and God will take care of us then." Implying God is our only hope.

She refuses responsibility. Blames Corrie her her anxieties and troubles. Corrie has never had love because "that's just the way she is." Although I guarantee in the moment she had Corrie blaming the guys every step of the way. Corrie refuses responsibility as well, and is unchanged as a parent from day 1. I think Corrie's qualities shine and she could be a lot stronger, like with reading to him. She just needs practice and determination.

She lies to herself constantly about her own decisions and intuitions. "I know you're good Topher, but you're not good." She constantly changes her mind. Tells Corrie things to make her feel better than she know isn't true, like "all men are assholes."
The biggest problem in our relationship became about trust when it came to my savings account. It was never necessary to bring it up, but because I didn't, I've broken trust. I think it is because Karla wouldn't be trusted with that amount of money.
Karla believes her lies, but she is constantly dishonest. And it's obvious she accepts contradiction.

She looks down on everyone around her, she's absolutely always right, and while she apologizes, she certainly tries to inflict damage in heated moments. Corrie is the same way.

She's two-faced. With my parents, she will always be sweet but hates them and hates me and yet tries to write sweet and motivating messages...and then calls me a son of a bitch.

She's vindictive. If I dare question her or bring up scripture or politics, she attacks my personality and belittles me as if I'm weak and not trying hard enough to. She attacks me to Corrie. Manipulative enough to say "Stay with him, but he's an asshole, and I'm sorry for you."

I am at fault for everything, and this psychology is always used. If she's throwing insults at my character, like "bookworm" was used as an insult and challenging the fact that I neglect my child, I established that I never ever ever take myself away from him, I never push him away. I didn't know why she would think this until she was in Florida and all the pictures I took with her, she's on her phone. The highlight of her trip was getting Internet back on her phone.

I oppose her, so she smears me.
Tries to pinpoint my insecurities and flaws and that's all that matters to destroy my confidence. It doesn't work, which makes her go from vengeance to wrath, but at least she is able to do it in a nice manner, but I suspect that's her feeding off my positive energy.
She's allergic to healthy boundaries and positivity and fairness. She established over and over that it's not fair to me, but it's the way it is. I literally pointed out her logic when she acknowledged that I had a long day at work and that Corrie had a long day with Chan, but "Do I have the right to be myself?"
"No, you don't. I'm sorry but you don't."

The world is a prison to her, and that's a reality she makes for everyone. She doesn't enjoy life. She's miserable. She hates people and can't stand their presence. She says she loves her family, but it's more allegiance to her family. She worships her father and fights with him. Her life is prison and she's the inmate who is extremely sensitive and looking for reasons to fight. This is what I call witch-hunting. She creates problems and accuses me no matter what.

I tried in Florida. I had a lot to learn before that, but in Florida, I tried. We were not intimate and I respected that. It was her choice. She was going through a major transition, so my efforts were geared towards positivity. I was struggling to find a job, but I didn't not vent or project my frustrations. I was not condescending. There were two fights in Florida, even though she made herself miserable the whole time, complaining even about the kitchen. Even though we had room for everything. One was my savings account.
Two was a stupid thing I said about Chandler being the parent. I grabbed him to go read, she said "he wants to sleep in bed," which is entirely abnormal from my perspective, and I said "He can be the parent when I'm at work," implying he can make all the decisions another time. She exploded and told me to fuck off in front of him.
Aug 2nd:
And if I didn't respect your child rearing I'd have the tv on more but I don't because of you! I barely have it in anymore so fuck off.

Clearly, a sign of respect right there. By the way, when I'm at work, she does have the tv on more, so she doesn't respect my wishes. When I'm at home, maybe we watch an episode in the morning and I compromise my choices and they watch something fun at night. That "in anymore" comment means "I don't have it on as much anymore." I wouldn't be surprised if it were on for hours and hours every day. That's because she doesn't focus on him, he has to cope with her...and if wanting him in front of the tv as a substitute for parenting is what she wants...if discipline makes her miserable there, then I understand wanting to get away and raise Chandler to be the ADD and demanding child that she promotes.

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Cry for Help - 2016-09-09
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Karla, Come to Jesus (Excorcism) - 2016-09-09
Karla is Evil & Anti-Christ - 2016-09-09
Want What is Best for Chandler...Please - 2016-09-09
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