The Beach from my Bedroom
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people cannot become attached...
...they cannot feel the security of stability.
They don’t attach...they latch...
...like a parasite.
My dog has more self-awareness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Self-righteousness” was what I felt you were alluding to, for the record. That’s why I brought up that term myself. Never would I make that claim...never will I be religious even to my own truth simply because it’s mine.
But...I’m not defending myself anymore.
You will think what you want.
You will think what you’re told to think.
That’s my red flag for you.
That’s the dealbreaker.
That’s what your audio clips prove to me.
I truly wish you luck...
8 of 8
19 minutes in, listen to him play off “forgiveness” as a bad thing...”not forget!”
And follow that up with cruelty.
And then plays off her saying “he’s not cruel” with “what about the door?”
And listen to them laugh at that shit.
If you want a friend, I’ll be there.
But if you want someone you can use and guilt them into feeling “not dependable” or “unreliable,” then count me out. That’s a sad way to define the parameters of friendship, if that’s how you feel. But I’ll be here.
I accept you as you are.
But I’m not going to share why a relationship between us is an unacceptable idea.
If we hang out, it will be in a well-populated place.
You’re a robot, dude.
It’s not amnesia.
It’s rejection of the moment in favor of the next.
This is the burden of anxiety.
And the ego makes rational of irrationality.
It cannot be reasoned or argued with.
There has to be soul.
There has to be egolessness.
And waking up from robot mode means nothing when someone prefers to sleep.
And the worst part...is robots want to feel human. They yearn for it. But rather than waking up, they prefer the ultimate human experience:
Suffering.
Her “reasoning” is for her own peace of mind, it is not to validate truth. It is not from an empathetic place. As a robot, she’s incapable of empathy. This is the root of everlasting relationships. Her fears cause her to see the worst in people, and any actions when she is feeling awful are seen as awful actions. Like her calling me while I was out with Chandler. I had him answer the phone. Her tone was light, as she was speaking to a child. She was speaking to innocence. Upon review of this, my intentions, from her perspective, were to use my son as a prop. To throw him in her face. My sending a voice clip of laughter was not to incite laughter...but pain, somehow. It was, from her perspective, an asshole thing to do.
Much like my photo on instagram with the Will Smith quote about fear as a choice. This was an asshole move, not to mark the occasion with a quote to establish the foundation of insanity via anxiety (fear). Danger is very real, says the quote. Am I dangerous?
From their perspective, this was an offense. An attack.
And...I say “their”...because she’s being fed feelings. She’s being told what to think. She doesn’t think or feel for herself. She is programmed. Even now, this is projected onto me. I don’t think for myself, therefore everything I say can be taken out of context and twisted. Like “I want to spend several eternities with you” is a manipulation tactic to them...when, in reality, spending my lifetime with someone is simply ideal to me. She will dissect it...it sounds like “love” to her, but she doesn’t recognize it. I have to say “I love you,” and mean it by her definition. She even expected me to say “I love you too” to validate her “stepping off the fence”...which is an official moment for her...(Mark said that someone who essentially preaches Brene Brown should not only recognize this as vulnerability, but validate it).
What they are looking for in a real “man” is a follower. Someone who can be controlled. Programmed. Forced. A slave. Just like her.
She’s a robot, dude.
She said it herself. “This is the first Ive felt alive in years.”
And I just got an HOUR of conversation...about how much I need to change, and how unreliable I will be to change. And their perspective on every single one of my actions and every thing I’ve ever said...out of context...with a demented look at every thing. Frequently, she would establish the origin of her fears from herself, but he would tell her to stop blaming herself...and blame me instead.
Blame is a selfish endeavor.
These are selfish people.
Hilariously demented, of course...but laughing over the idea of her stabbing me and him killing me, too...(in a scenario where I hit her...based on pictures he’s seen of my door...)
How long before I hit her?
“Would you let him?”
“Hell no! I’d stab him.”
“I’d fucking kill him.” And into the microphone: “Do you hear me?”
...and she laughs hysterically.
Im not going to keep starting over.
(as if there is any question now haha)
“Chris is just as fucking flawed as I am!”
You got me.
However, I would never claim that I was flawed. I loathe the word “perfect,” and have never claimed to be perfect. But what you may actually be alluding to is the idea that I am self-righteous.
“You’re not innocent, Topher.” That’s how Karla put it.
This is what Karla believes because she creates sin. She accentuates imperfections in her mind and uses them against others. She can summon a belief and convince herself it’s fact. It doesn’t matter what I believe, especially if I believe I’ve done nothing wrong, my belief is trumped by her intuition. There’s no argument. There’s no room for rebuttal. Her word is the authority she goes by, no matter how I feel. My feelings are invalid no matter my pleading. My vulnerabilities, therefore, make me weak to others while I see them as strengths (which is why you might perceive me as self-righteous, for instance, if I see my anxiety as “caring too much,” as I define it).
If anxiety is going in the opposite direction, a negative one, then irrationality is staying committed to that direction despite alleviations or evidence contrary to their anxieties.
This is the burden of fear.
The weight of anxiety.
These things are weaknesses I believe can not overcome my strengths. However, irrationality cannot be argued against. Confusion cannot be battled. If there’s something you believe to be true, you can say it, but once we refuse to define ourselves in order to speak the same language, the conversation is over. Water to me is two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen, and a different meaning to you, I can embrace. However, if you cannot embrace my meaning...then there’s a rejection of perspective. This is a denial of empathy, a refusal of the very definition of “relationship.”
Love is acceptance at the very foundation.
Irrationality is a refusal to be accepting.
Irrationality comes from robot mode. It is analyzing what isn’t there, looking at things from “what could be,” rather than “letting it be.” Robots are anticipating, not participating. That’s the difference between “for the moment,” and “in the moment.”
Robots aren’t anxious, though. Because they have no fear. They can be calibrated to hate, however. They’re sociopaths.
They don’t lose things.
They get over them.
And you accept this ability in yourself. The ability to “shut down.” You said you can turn it off like a switch, and “get over” a relationship in a second. I deserve better than this, and so does the rest of mankind. So would you. You deserve better than a robot.
To answer your questions:
I wouldn’t say “I love you too” because I didn’t feel it from you. Love by my definition is accepting, and your “disappointment” over me going to my job absolutely proves that you don’t “love” me. However, I wouldn’t make this claim, as I’m not in your head. I merely state that this is how I felt. Accept it or not.
“Chris is only at peace and in joy when Chan is here.”
“Chris is tired of me.”
I realize these are journal thoughts and therefore only meant for your self, but if you would openly convey these presumptions to my face, then I would admit to expecting you were better than that. Presumptions come from robot mode...and are sociopathic. Especially in considering the notion that others are less feeling than they are.
I am an emotional human being.
I would be astounded if you had no evidence of this.
I am sorry and please accept my apologies for using the following phrase:
“I won’t be the one who breaks up with you, you will have to be the one who ends it.” Reading it back makes me sound like someone who doesn’t have the balls to end a relationship. That’s exactly who I don’t want to be.
I merely meant to diminish any worries of me breaking up with you. I was wrong to say this, and I’m so sorry. It wouldn’t be honest if anyone to say this and mean it.
My intention was to put your mind at ease rather than considering my own feelings.
~~~~~~~~
All her words:
Dude... we went too fast. I opened myself up twice with you and it was like you were backing away when I made myself vulnerable which is by no means easy at all. In fact I made that decision to get off the fence so to speak and be brave, and not let my insecurities get in the way anymore because I felt that they were. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I still don’t. My feelings haven’t changed but I want this to be good for both of us.
I want my partner to admit his faults instead of having being blind to them. To not take pride of being “stubborn”. That isn’t good, that means you don’t want to admit you’re wrong and you’ve admitted to me that you spin things to your favor. (Why would I want to be around a manipulator like that?)
I want a team player, someone who meets me on the path with me, holds my hand and isn’t afraid to let go.
I need someone who is strong enough to hold me and be there when I’m weak, because my anxiety is a fucking curse that I do fight but I don’t always win.
I want someone who will tell me how they feel instead of a tap dance around the answer.
I want someone who offers to help me when I’m carrying 50lbs of whatever because it’s decent, and not a weird spin on chivalry.
I want someone who says what they mean and means what they say and sticks with it.
I want a partner, not a tap dancer.
I want love, true love, and I want that love to be validated.
I want someone who is dependable, because shit sometimes does happen, and I know about obligations but if I needed help in the worst way, I need to know that person is someone I can count on.
I want someone who will love me for me in the entirety of the word.. not as just with everyone else.
I want someone who will grow with me and is willing to help show me how they grow so that I may know if we’re on the same path.
I want someone who is faithful, that there are no other women. If there are, they need to be told to stop communication if it was sexual before.
I need someone who will trust me as I trust them. I need someone who I know is trustworthy.
These are my standards.
I want someone who has the same desires and goals in life as I do.
I need someone who is patient, and not playing the victim by finger pointing when things get rough.
I want someone who assures me I’m good enough and doesn’t try to cross analyze me.
Hopefully this is helpful in some way for now.
~~~
Thank you. These things are helpful to be aware of. You deserve better, and no part of my ego will argue against these things as true. I see your perspective.
Allow me to elaborate...I’ll save my retort.
You opened yourself up by saying “I’m not afraid anymore,” to bravely say you loved me. No fear in love. I love this.
So, of course, your expectations were disappointed and it made your fears realized. My rescinding an equal response was to allow your moment. However, a relationship is a business transaction, and any “L-“word should be met with even money. “Do not take it lightly” isn’t meant and romanticism, it should be taken as a warning. Got it.
“I didn’t want to be afraid anymore” exemplifies your fears presenting themselves. Therefore, saying that you weren’t afraid anymore...was a lie. For that moment was forgotten in the next, where you would exist in anxious anticipation of a fearful future.
You believe there is pride in my stubbornness, and faults in my confidence in my own principles. It’s good you are able to be honest now, whereas before you claimed to love my philosophy and my humanity and, I wrongly assumed, my principles to go with these ideals. Obviously we supposedly share the love for the opportunity to admit our wrongs and relish in learning lessons, but we all “spin” things in our favor. For the rest of your life for instance, you have to justify throwing me away by defining me as trash. My awareness of “spin” goes with my honesty. I don’t spin things to hurt others or even to ease my mind. And I’ve always stated, my “spin” is to validate my optimism and accentuate my positivity.
(Why would anyone want to be manipulated into positivity...this sounds horrible)...
Someone who is there for your anxiety...apparently you consider me lacking in this department. I do feel like I’ve been practicing for anxiety...but if it’s irrationality and lashing out that goes along with it...I’m sure there’s someone more qualified out there.
My “tap dancing” around answers come from my inability to see the world in black and white. Simple answers are for simple people, and I’m a complicated human being. But I will respond accordingly...if not in accordance with your standards.
Someone should offer to help carry things with you...as I would have, but you know this. We had an entire conversation about my lack of offering at that moment...(but don’t forget the weight of your bows that night in no way amounted to 50 pounds). We continued the conversation about chivalry, hence your memory of it, I assume. I said chivalry was as dead as God...who is alive and well by the people who keep him alive. And I justified my chivalry by recalling opening doors for you...which apparently wasn’t good enough. But there’s no such thing as good enough. Cooking for you would have been a bad example. Giving you a key to my place meant nothing. Making myself available without question doesn’t go very far. But justifying myself makes me sick, too...
“True love” to you does not include acceptance. It apparently includes a nit picky list of wrong-doings based on not standards, but expectations in the moment.
I imagine growing with you would be wonderful. But the daily expectations to be “in check” to make sure you are on the same page is an impossible endeavor. This is why speaking the same language is so important, and forgiveness and mercy should be so prevalent...because there will be missteps. But getting behind, as if in a classroom, shouldn’t be complicated to overcome. That’s where relationships should be simple.
And complications still arise. Like communication with other humans...despite a sexual past...like with the mother of my child. That’s a relationship that will unfortunately last the rest of my life. But you weren’t talking about that one. You meant Tessa. Or anyone else in my phone...a device for which you had absolute access. Trust wasn’t the issue. It wasn’t jealousy either. It was selfishness. You want a man who has no other connections.
Denying me as trustworthy...as undependable...dude, I can’t argue. I also couldn’t prove it to you. Evidence means nothing. I will try hard in this area with everyone I meet. Reassurance is the best thing in the world. “Too honest” is what I try for...
Desires in life...peace, joy, love. I was pretty honest about my desires for life.
And I’m “playing the victim” somehow here...I’m lost...even you claimed to feel wrong for expecting me to come to your aid on such short notice in lieu of going to my job that day...but I’m playing victim because...you’re punishing me with disappointment?
I dunno, man...
How was I victimized that day?
I was stressed at work, yes...I left work early, yes...but I specifically made it noted that I wasn’t blaming you for these things. It was the unfortunate circumstance. The life situation. I don’t blame people. Blame is a selfish endeavor.
“Good enough,” and “cross analyzing.”
Can we admit you’re projecting yet?
I’ve never said you’re not good enough. Never hinted or suggested you’re lacking or failing. Never accused you of anything, either, or defined you based on my own analysis. You’re projecting. And you don’t want a rebuttal.
You’re afraid of yourself without your mask.
Thank you for sparing me.
Thank you for not wasting more of my time.
Therefore...all these things...were worth it...to establish you and I as incompatible. I didn’t see this one coming with the extremes that now seem so clear. The red flags were not seen through rose-tinted glasses, they were seen through confidence. I thought I was strong enough. I thought I was good enough.
But you’ve invalidated yourself.
You’ve shown your words were meant to elicit response, not merely reaction. They weren’t meant for me, they were meant for your self.
And your self is the reality.
The constant.
So even if you did “love” me...it wasn’t me who deserved consideration. It’s your self.
You know you have issues.
But you’ve treated me like I did wrong.
I still don’t know what I did.
I didn’t call in to work for you.
I didn’t exchange the L word for your L word.
Go find a business to solicit.
I’m not here to give you everything you want.
I’ll never fulfill expectations.
I won’t even try.
This world is hard enough.
I need a partner.
Just acceptance.
Empathy.
Intimacy.
Peace. Joy. Love.
I’m simple.
These things are not a lot to ask for, but I’m aware they’re hard to find.
Good luck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rough draft of a “Love” letter...
Romantic love is an illusion because it is not everlasting. It is simply not sustainable at a level of constancy.
It is the illusions given to us by our imaginations that allow us to see such ambitious futures with our significant others. It is the falsehood of identity where we are at fault. Then comes the time when we blame our partners not for being themselves, but for not being what we wanted them to be. This is not even the fault of our selves. It is our ego. It is the expectations of our ego.
~~~~
Three dots ... to “end” this letter as never-ending...
~~~
“Hope is not a strategy.”
It is common for the single person to go to bed alone without loneliness. For they have the will to dream. They have the advantage of possibility (if not opportunity), they have the availability of hope. Hope is their partner, and their god in many cases. Heaven is just around the corner, paradise, however twisted in reality, is still “real” to them.
Commitment adds definition, we see reality in the present moment. So how can we keep hope alive, how can we realize who we want to become?
This will be our journey. This will be our life.
However, rather than hoping for it...we will be living it.
Love is...
Acceptance...we can accept anyone, yes, and we can be tempted by “anyone,” therefore, with greener pastures. The bum on the street, for instance. I accept him. However, are his philosophies and mine compatible? This takes time to establish. We can accept the unacceptable, but the unacceptable must be accepted as unacceptable. We cannot make excuses for condoning unacceptable behavior. We must stand up for our principles and our own subjective sense of morality.
Trust...is dependability, but this trust must go both ways. This is where holding ourselves with higher standards than we hold others is vital. We must love ourselves first by depending on ourselves most. Blame is a selfish endeavor, even by blaming ourselves, but trust is a feeling, be it from rationality or irrationality. We could trust anyone, however, and then be disappointed or confirmed in these expectations. A trusting partner should be a standard, absolutely.
Gratitude...is something I’m learning about. I used to be accepting and trusting without standards, never allowing myself a relationship in which I was proud. I never felt thankful for some one, but this poor attempt at the everlasting aspect of “love” allowed me the realization that nobody is worth fighting for. Had I been committed to the perfect robot, I would still expect their own non-biological programming if they did not recognize me as “good” for them (or it).
And then, to round out my definition of love, I must establish what it is not...and that is to biblically quote “There is no fear in love,” a message written not only in addition to the letters of Paul (the true founder of Christianity), but in opposition to him. James and Paul were at odds, and while “John” is most likely not the John of the gospels, his philosophy is, to my knowledge, much more in tune with the philosophy of Jesus. We could go the way of Paul and acknowledge the fearful concepts introduced by the Lamb of God, or we could see the enlightenment of the Son of God. The language of the gospels is clear, however, in establishing the “son of god” as an unofficial title for he who became knows as the Christ, which means “the anointed one.” It would be the false suggestion of the gospel of John that Jesus was born anointed...and not born a man. For we are all human...and therefore, we are all fearful.
Love, however, doesn’t take us away from our humanity, but aids it, and ultimately brings humanity itself higher than the lesser-evolved. Are we better than animals?
In many ways, we are not.
Are we smarter?
We should be.
Here is the full verse:
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
“Perfect,” an impossible concept, is imagined by the apostle Paul (a man who knows he never even met Jesus), of course. But I think he is onto something when he writes that “perfect” is that which is good. Philosophers of every age are in agreement that this concept, indefinable as it is...is that which we ought to strive towards. Hence why my definition of “good”ness in moral philosophy is simply regarding well-being. The biblical introduction of Jesus is most excitingly promising life in abundance, but never is this regarding a lifetime of living in mansions and driving the fastest cards (or living in the biblical equivalent in the form of a land of milk and honey). Living life in abundance is accessible to anyone in this moment that is now. If we are hungry now...we eat. We do not indulge a greedy body, we simply nourish it. This is giving our bodies what they need, not what they want. What is good enough for the mind is good enough for the body.
Consider the Marshmallow test...most children would gladly take the single marshmallow to appease their minds rather than wait for the promise of two. A marshmallow is better than a promise, is the logic. However...instant gratification is for the body, not for the mind...the ego and the body are closely aligned, as are the mind and the soul...but they are all one organism, which is why we must listen to our bodies when it is desperately trying to communicate.
This desperation, brought on by the ego...is an attempt for instant gratification. And our embrace of our soul (a concept I simply define as “without ego”) is a way not only around desperation, but a means of evading “love” as a natural force. For us, it seems supernatural because rather than choosing it, we let it grow naturally. We are two people, both of us able to take care of ourselves in the present moment. This year will prove this, hence making us a stronger relationship, and not clinging together out of fear of disconnection.
Accessing this “moment,” right “now.”
Sitting in nature
Meditating
But also:
Sleeping,
Eating,
Writing,
Watching films...
I mean, there are countless ways, really. Grocery shopping is a bad example, as we are in robot mode if we are hungry or following a text in the form of a grocery list. Really takes away the feeling of free will, right? But...pooping might be a good example. Having to go, however, is our auto-pilot being reduced to acknowledging this need, forcing us into finding a bathroom. But then pooping is nice. What a relief! haha
And relief comes from this release of auto-pilot. As we are stressed, we conform to primal urges until the weight is lifted off our shoulders...a figurative weight of which we are unaware...until it is released. Sometimes we don’t miss things until they are gone...
I cannot give credit to my mother for many things for which she would proudly ask, but there were many nights she taught me mindfulness. Sadly, this is a concept beyond her own capacities, and she would never request credit for the promotion of it as it is foreign to her even today. Mindfulness would be too distant to myself if it weren’t for her promise of a book any day I wanted one. This promise I rarely
“Would you meet me here again? I’d love to buy you a book sometime,” the boy said anxiously. This was his dreamgirl he had been speaking with, as this very question was the fulfillment of a prophecy he himself had had since before he could remember. Meeting a girl in a bar and offering to buy her a drink is such a tired cliche, and yet the probability of meeting his dream girl in this way is impossibly small. Surely possible, but there would hardly be a chance. Imagining a dreamgirl to be an alcoholic, however, would increase the likelihood.
It was a bookstore, however. That would be the scene.
~~~
Consider the very real story of a particular Buddhist woman. She was married with a child, but chose to live in a house on her own. She was close by, is the astonishing thing, to keep her availability to the husband and to the son. Her efforts were for them, and not for herself, in the promotion of a selfless life. So selfless was she, really, that she wouldn’t even indulge in the joys of daily parenting. She would be there for them only out of their need for her, and rejected her own needs for them. This choice of hers was not out of fear of attachment. It was actually making peace within the religion in which she was bred.
Consider the fact that this wasn’t a choice at all. She was raised with the belief that attachment was an evil. The root of all suffering. Upādāna, a part of the Dukkha doctrine in Buddhism, Essentially is the forced belief that materialism is bad for you. In this particular scenario, even other people are treated as strands of hair. They are simply cut off from our selves.
Seen through glasses that are not rose-tinted by religion, this doctrine is absolutely the promotion of self-centeredness, and in this wise, selfishness. This woman, in a discussion with myself, would not get far in describing herself striving for selflessness, I would passionately tell her that she was being selfish. Her goal is towards Nirvana, a lovely concept that I have no negativity for, because a vital aspect of Nirvana that for many people feels like the embrace of “nothingness,” (where there is NO sense of self, NO suffering, and is the final goal of Buddhism, towards a state of pure bliss) is actually more accurately seen as “everythingness.” Nirvana is heaven, or a god itself that we cannot describe without acknowledging the infinite and indescribable.
Are her parents guilty of irresponsibility?
Many might say so. But we see, she suffers not. She is...joyful. A role model for her child, even, and a picture of the possibility of true happiness.
Her parents are guilty of maltreatment, however. Can joy and true happiness be achieved whilst living within the confines of a traditional family? Absolutely.
Can attachment be a healthy thing?
Most definitely.
Types of attachment:
From Attached
I invite you to this spirit of dependency, and this utter attachment to the joys of life. The fluidity of the ocean is a symbol of strength. It can hold anything, in itself or on it’s surface. It really depends on the object itself to be supported. A boat that is strong is merely able to stay afloat, mattering not how many times it has been repaired. And even gentle waters cannot be permanently penetrated. For a broken ship may seem to puncture the waters just as a needle may harm our skin, but a sunken ship yields no change to the surface just as a shot to our skin can heal.
However, a destroyed vessel becomes a part of the ocean, no matter how deep it sinks. Nobody can take away or invalidate a tragic experience. The trauma is merely absorbed by the ocean, acknowledged and used by the creatures within its depths, and in some cases long ago, forever remembered in the form of legends as full of treasure.
A day out with our three children has exhausted you to the point of relief at the sight of your couch, this grand piece of comfort so symbolic of relaxation that you cannot fathom the concept of “comfort” without it. The kiddies can entertain themselves now as you take a breather. Everything you’ve worked so hard for your entire life is in this house. This is your identity, your being, your heart, your soul.
So...why...when the children leave...
does your nest feel empty?
This is attachment.
Another thing I was thinking about...in addition to “standards vs expectations”...was the whole guilt vs shame debate.
Lots of people have too much experience with these feelings, and a lot of times when we become “guarded” or keep things to and for ourselves, is the external guilt or shame we may feel. The point here, being, not that she may feel these things (I like the description that guilt comes from having done something bad and shame coming from a feeling that we are bad)...but she may feel
“Close your eyes, and breathe in deep. Slowly exhale,” she began.
“Imagine you’re on a beach.”
I could suddenly hear rhythmic waves of water.
“Feel your toes in the hot sand,” and I could feel them in the cold sands after sunset just the same. “Your feet are resting now.
Feel your legs relaxing now.
Your hands are calm.”
What she was doing was enabling me to recognize the life my body has, and that my mind can actually strive towards this awareness. Mind, body, and soul can be seen as an organic holy trinity, as their separation could not sustain the three of them on their own. They need each other so much that their independence must be acknowledged as an illusion.
“Feel your heart beat. Breath in, and slowly breathe out.”
Little me would do so, focusing solely on my chest. My arms would be quiet. My neck would relax. My mind would calm. And suddenly sleep was on the horizon. I could see the Earth tilt away from all sunlight as time became “night.”
In these moments, even if I didn’t think about it, I was safe and sound. I was at rest and at peace. I was me. I was nature. From my room, I could be at the beach, and nothing could take me from my imagination. There was nowhere else I would rather be, no matter how far from where I was. Nothing could hurt me, no school projects could haunt me, no homework could burden me, and nobody could bother me.
It is here that I believe love exists. The beach from my bedroom, indescribable to anyone else. Inaccessible to a mind outside my own. Accessible only from their own subjectivity, love can be found in many forms. Love, therefore, cannot be defined. “Definire,” the Latín form of the word means setting boundaries...setting limits to make a word accessible to others...(fun fact: Religioso means “to be bound,” therefore: to be defined...how small would that make you feel?...to be religious...)
Love is limitless.
Therefore, we can see it as scary.
If we look for fear, that is.
I am not afraid of it.
My experience, my subjectivity, sees you as freedom. And that’s the biggest compliment I can think of for a person...and that’s what I want to be for you. Freedom. Not only am I free, but life is more of an experience, and the possibilities are endless. I am infinitely free, not just perceivable so. Partners in crime? No. We are more disciplined than that.
You are open-minded.
You think for yourself.
And I am comfortable enough to be who I am.
To be who I can be.
To talk about love.
To engage in philosophy.
To explore religion.
To try to understand politics.
To make love, have sex, and fuck like bunnies, but also talk about it.
To talk about these things...be passionate about these things...my favorite things...which all come together in art (and especially movies, probably my favorite topic of conversation)...
Of course, we can talk about anything, ranging from the smell of Christmas mornings during our childhoods, visions of the future without expectation for their reality (merely acknowledging their possibility)...to other women’s butts and even you fucking my ass (haha😅)
You already know me better than anyone else in the world. I am exposed. I am naked. And I am comfortable.
You see my self-centeredness expressed here. Because you are good for me.
Love is passion, it is wanting...and that’s why it isn’t for everyone the same way. Most people aren’t comfortable being exposed or exposing everything they have, putting it all on the table. It can be terrifying (exciting, too)...but...the Socratic method, the philosophical goal...is to discuss. Fears can live in the imagination...or they can die in discussion. Rid yourself of expectation, engage in YOUR own philosophy...and let me learn from you.
I can be who I am, and I can be who I can be.
My hope is to grow into who I can be.
And I can’t imaging BEing...without the person you can be. Do you have to change? I hope you don’t change too much. Will you? I want to be there to see. There’s a woman you and I do not know, a woman who only exists in time currently, therefore only our imaginations can birth her. Perhaps you have a better idea of who you’d like to be, this woman who neither of us currently know. But I’m excited to meet her.
A good night’s sleep is atypical of popular requests of a lover. However, my response to “How do you sleep at night?” has to include credit to you. I am increasingly grateful for you on a daily basis. Impossible as it may seem, it feels to grow exponentially, our connection. Perhaps the infinite power of love allows this. But ignore it not, this power is transferable. Love is never a self-centered endeavor. It allows us to experience the rest of life forever differently. Forever better. Forever beyond the previously fathomable.
I sleep better, yes.
I smile more.
I hear more.
I see more.
Because...
I love you.
Do not fear this phrase from me.
I hope this writing sees your understanding of my meaning. Love is entirely defined by these words on these pages, but all they are is my perspective. The infinite and the unknown are still to be discovered...not merely from my perspective, but from “ours.”
Exclusive to us, but for others to see...
~~~~~~
I realize you will spend the rest of your life justifying me as a piece of trash worth throwing away...but let me share a little something...a part of my philosophy, of course...and hopefully you will see this without argument on my end...without ego on my end (I am not here to change your mind...these are things I’ve said to you before)...(although I can already hear you picking it apart and declaring me “proud,” among many other things)...think what you will...but none of this is meant to be aimed at you (the last of it isn’t even my words, it’s from the bible)...so please don’t take it personally. If this isn’t an option...if self-centeredness is something of which you are proud
An end note:
Love is acceptance.
That’s the foundation.
We love our souls, the parts of us without ego.
Egos tend to exemplify unacceptable behavior.
From these principles, fueled by morality (an aspiration that encourages us to aid human well-being)... and rationality (simply rooted by reality)...love may grow.
Fears and anxieties can be battled, overcome, and defeated. But irrationalities lead to confusion and cannot even be debated. These will turn into accusations...and blame is always a selfish endeavor.
A relationship cannot thrive on selfishness.
Love as a business transaction will always end...in a bad deal.
Once the mask comes off, we must embrace our vulnerabilities...and love not despite our vulnerabilities...but because of them.
Love is truly wishing for the happiness of someone else. Their misery is your heart ache. We can accept the unacceptable, without condoning it. It is the unacceptable...the ego...that will destruct and disconnect. It is their burden, no matter how much others carry for them.
“True love” is falling together...
...everlasting...
...learning each other’s language...
...and wanting each other’s ultimate ideals...
(ideals, simply put, hopefully non-materialistic...love, joy, and peace are my own)
...and this is all without fear.
Fears are external. They are caused by our ideas of the future. They are never seen in the present moment unless they are looked for by the imagination.
Intimacy that does not cease.
Patient.
Kind.
Not envious.
Not boasting.
Not proud.
Without dishonor.
Not self-seeking.
Not easily angered.
Keeps no record of wrongdoings.
Rejoices with truth ... without delight in evil.
Always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
Love never fails.
Where there are expectations, they will cease.
Everything known will be unknown.
(Learning about each other enables us to grow together)
Maturity is putting the ways of childhood behind us...dispelling the ego itself.
The masks we wear.
But why do we wear them?
Sadly, I think upon consideration of this...you’ll come up with no reason for my mask. Because I don’t have one. Because I don’t need one.
And this is where you’ll accuse me of “pride.”
But I simply see vulnerability as strength.
Not weakness.
And weakness is what we must cover up.
Weakness is why we need masks.
These are interesting, fascinating to me (hence my insisting the purpose of life is the stories we share, the conflicts they shed light on, and the optimistic messages that can almost always be found).
I’m an optimist.
It may seem like it’s unrealistic to be an optimist sometimes...but if the “holy spirit” were a part of reality...it would be positivity itself. And I wouldn’t go anywhere without it.
Aaaaaaand her words again:
It’s officially Monday, and I hope you get some sleep tonight if you’re not already. (I hope you are)
I know I didn’t sleep, maybe got about 3 hours and I’m physically ill from all the stress from last week. (Not seeking sympathy, only stating facts)
So if you’ve listened to my conversation with Mark, which may be cruel to share, I’m not sure but after I calmed him down and myself, we had a conversation and I wanted you to hear it
I wish you could be the man I need to have in my life... but I don’t believe you can be that man. I remember looking at you last night as we were talking. I felt intimidated but kept my cool. I knew you were in a mood, but the conversation had to of been had. I wish I didn’t get so tongue tied around you, but because you refuse to give straight answers to questions or concerns I have had I just get exhausted and throw my hands up like there’s no point.
I didn’t want what we had to end... but maybe it was all rose tinted lies... I don’t know anymore.
You think I’m delusional, irrational. I think you’re a hypocrite of the worst kind( belief that you’re self-righteous), unreliable and noncommittal (not meeting me halfway)
I feel hurt. I am in pain. I really wanted you to be a part of my life. You say you don’t want to be friends according to what you said last night because you would be disgusted of me or jealous if I were to be with someone else which is selfish bullshit. I told you I was giving you and I a chance and that was it. That is still the case.
So, for you I feel it’s “Take me as I am and do not seek to alter me.” - Much ado about nothing
That sounds great in a Shakespearean play... but now I see the severity of that way of thinking. I’m not seeking to alter you or change you because even if that were my goal that wouldn’t work, and thank goodness I’m not the kind of person who’s goal it is to bend people into how I want them to be. That’s sick. But...
If you deny to change, you refuse to grow. If you refuse to grow you die.
I don’t know... maybe this is my lesson from all of this..
A) rose tinted glasses are real B) infatuation is a fucking drug and resembles love but is not love
C) dickmatise is a thing
D) just because one is pretty doesn’t mean they’re right or good for you... like a pretty flower... you could take it home and then realize “Oh shit I’m allergic to this thing”
This sucks so so so bad. I hate it.
I wish I had realized sooner that you have qualities about your personality that are completely unacceptable to me.
It turns out that I’m the one who had on the rose tinted glasses.
I’m was a fool for your pretty face and pretty words...
You’re not a bad person, but you have nonsensical logic and qualities in your attitude that I cannot accept and will not.
I have to have someone who is reliable, not one to dance around words.. (who takes pride in that bullshit btw?! How can you seriously think that how you talk down to people is acceptable to anyone?)
It sucks. I fell for this shit, and now I know that all of my feelings, my emotions are valid. You are a word dancer. You do not give straight answers, you zig zag to make it not about you but turn it back around onto the other person...
You take pride in not answering with a straight answer.
I’m just sorry I didn’t see it sooner. I’m glad our relationship only lasted for such a short time...that way we didn’t waste so much of our time!
I gave you too much of myself. No, you don’t deserve me, and I just gave myself to you without you earning it.. that is on me.. still.. you do not deserve me.
This is also a huge lesson that I am NOT ready for a relationship romantically.
If I had admitted this to myself, I may of still been able to maintain a friendship with you but as it stands right now, that does not seem to be in the cards.
Maybe someday.
I hope you have the life you believe you deserve and with someone who accepts you as you are.
I’m sorry we weren’t as compatible like I really thought we were.
I do not regret that we happened. I remember the amazing times and I will never forget them. Thank you for those happy times I got with you. We had laughs, we had amazing experiences and you made me feel alive again. I can never thank you enough for that...
Thank you.. again I will say this over and over that I wish I could accept your red flags but I cannot. I really liked the vision I saw of us in a happy future. I wish it could’ve been a reality.
Hopefully all your questions or any confusion can be cleared up after listening to the recorded conversation and also this text.
I hope someday we can be friends again. I would like that very much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Epilogue:
Her Facebook post:
Obligatory vague Facebook status update about my life:
my apartment did not work out to say the least. My life has done a complete 360.. and I’m back to where I started about 2 months ago.
This is the time to admit: ok.. what I’ve been doing has not been working so instead of giving up, I’m going to start at a new angle.
My life has cleanly slapped me in the face to knock some sense into me and I hear loud and clear now that the bells have stopped ringing. I’m sticking to my original plan of moving to Galveston next year.. *save save save*
I do have a new appreciation for Austin though as it is my home and I’m forever grateful to a friend that helped me realize that I’m not dead and there’s some beauty here that should not go ignored.
Also.. I have some severe behaviors that are completely unacceptable and I never really accepted the consequences of my actions of when I’m in the wrong. I’m 34 yrs old.. and it’s time to fucking grow up. No wonder I’ve been misdiagnosed for so long as bipolar... and there’s no shame there..
Where there is empathy, shame cannot exist.
You can’t always get what you want, and even if you did it’s not always good for you.
Anxiety is real, but there is a reason why those fears exist sometimes...
I have a self love deficiency and the thing that everyone I’ve ever been with in a relationship has said to me is “I just want you to be happy”
I understand now that how I’ve been going about finding that happiness has been wrong for me. It’s not in someone else it’s inside me.. and I’m going to take that silver lining that I now know what I have to do to find that inner peace .. and love.
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