The Religion of Narcissism
The Gospel of Atheist Christ
I offered her Corrie’s panties with no seriousness whatsoever. I’ll always establish myself as “someone who takes nothing seriously.” Hopefully their acceptance of the importance of empathy in my life proves the false seriousness in this statement. Even in that statement, it isn’t so serious. However, she took me seriously beyond the present moment...upon reflection...in a context she invented where:
In her words:
I don’t care. I just am telling you that I felt that a line was crossed for me.
I’m not mad, but I believe anyone would be offended with that. I mean I have definitely done things with callus (“callous”: having no regard for anyone beyond their own damn selves) without thinking about it from another’s perspective. That’s why I’m letting you know.
That’s what friends do.
The response she will never earn:
My theory is you have the amazing talent of lying to yourself. You “won’t let yourself be manipulated,” but you manipulate yourself. You’re on this strength journey as if you’re exercising. It’s fucking awesome if you believe that, but it’s impossible, currently, for me, to believe.
The truth is, you enjoyed having me over and fucking my brains out. You even came over and came over and over. Then, we parted ways. For a day. Without (enough, apparently) contact, just as before (when you had to move back in to your ex-boyfriend’s house, blaming me for going to work rather than calling in sick to move you), you have to embrace the negative side of contradictory thoughts...and then you have to reconcile. A chapter out of Karla’s book, here. But, even so, you pursued in hope, coming over for a movie. You pursued in hope that I would come on to you again. What I don’t know, and will never know for sure, is what you would have said.
“Yes, let’s pound my pussy enough to bang the headboard.”
or
“No, I’m an evolved woman. I don’t do what animals do.”
But because you didn’t get this chance, your reconciliation (which was progressed in trying to pry out from MY reconciliation when you asked my feelings, which I politely kept to myself because feelings are for egos) was triggered into a negative. This is because your ego was bruised, and your ego needed to repair, and...either your ego sought to damage...or... repairs entailed you to stand up for yourself, which was never ever necessary. Nor would anyone have to stand up for themselves to me. I would never force that position on anyone. So, unnecessarily, you had to share your feelings, genuine or not. Ego burns bridges and doesn’t care about becoming an island with nowhere to go.
“I felt no connection.”
This is a lie.
Her “out of the blue” speak to get to a point:
Yes you’re right. I can say with great appreciation of me learning about expectations from you
Also the value of acceptance as well as what intimacy felt like again.. and the importance of connection for me when it comes to sex
I didn’t feel that connection between us when we had sex. I knew then that it was truly over from our past. It was the final bit for me. That was closer for me. I needed that,
Also, sex with you is fantastic but I prefer that intimacy instead of fucking. It’s primal and that’s not for me.
My response:
^none of this needed to be said to me, but, you felt the need to say you had sex with me and felt no connection, so I’ll respect your feelings.
“I’m not mad, but I believe anyone would be offended by that. Just letting you know. That’s what friends do.”
Perhaps you could just establish that is off the table. Like I tried to do with you when we started talking.
Her:
That is a truth I wanted to say, because letting go of our past has been soooo hard for me to move on from.
No reason to say it, nor a reason for me to hear it. But she has her reasons. Ego.
Response:
A truth you wanted to say...you know truth is a subjective thing, and it comes off as really insensitive for any truth I may possess.
Perspective.
Other people have it, too.
Later:
I know you mean no offense...
But simply stating it as fact, meaning not as an attack, actually makes it worse...which makes having sex that night really disgusting especially considering you came over to my house and had sex again.
The contradiction I was hoping to help along her awareness:
Her last text before I cut her off:
Yeah I didn’t feel good afterwards. I didn’t blame you. I actually pushed it. I think I was seeking an answer to a final question
Contra-fucking-dick-tion.
She sought hope...
Nope.
She sought an expectation...
...and rather than fulfillment, she was filled with my cum.
Living for the moment.
I was hoping, I guess, for something worth fighting for. I hope for change, without expecting it, but knowing the ramifications of pursuing a relationship without change.
I wanted her to be it.
I didn’t want to keep looking.
I wanted the interdependence; found codependence.
It was laziness.
Or being a friendly horny neighbor.
She just next door.
This could have been a great relationship, but progress would have dwindled.
Let’s move on.
Update:
Currently, on NPR, there’s talk about Alex Jones being banned. His first-amendment rights have been compromised, and he’s being kept from speaking out on social media platforms. Is he being banned on NPR or the New York Times? Do they have to feature him? Should they be forced to?
They are against the values of fake-news hate-speaker Alex Jones, and above our standards are our values. We must respect our own values, and this is respecting ourselves.
The right to free speech is not freedom from consequence.
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