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What Ended Things
2021-02-27, 11:34 am

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

We'll either grow together...or grow apart.

This is a neverending letter to you. But it's to get you to think, not to get you to respond. (I'll copy/paste this to the beginning just to know I'm being heard)

Don't read until you have time.

A new day means a new effort, and every situation that comes up...is a new opportunity to grow together. This isn't just living in a relationship, it's living in a democracy...who wants to just give up their freedom?

Freedom is always the end goal...that's where spontaneity lives. Ego can't take that, really...because spontaneity thrives on criticism (spontaneity is NOT frivolousness, seeing a bright color and being attracted to that...as natural and "random" as that is to human nature).

Love is about acceptance, first and foremost. If I offer a solution, you add to it and make it better. If your idea isn't best, I work towards your goals to implement your idea, but work to make it better. If I DIDN'T care...I'd say "What the hell ever, I don't care," and let a fuckin' coin decide. That seems, to me, like a last-resort solution for people who have nothing better to do. Do I judge or think less of those people? No. I just don't count myself among them (plus, they tend to not want to be around me).

Love is forgiveness. It's mercy. It's criticism AND tenderness. It's a team, it's an effort. I point down one direction, you take us down another. That makes it the best decision. I say Miami, you say where in Miami.

Though, honestly, "hating" a vacation should be the end of any relationship. Thank goodness I don't hinge my entire view of you on vacations.

I love you more than that.
And from now on, that's what I mean. I'm not going to play the game of "I love you most" anymore...because it's not a competition. I love you more than our differences. More than our bad days. More than our disagreements. I welcome love...and I don't welcome hate...but I love you more than your hate. I believe you'll grow the hell out of it, because hate is SO limited. Hate will dissipate. It will cease ENTIRELY.

Sure, you might hate some vacations (I already hate our Michigan trip), but the good times will overpower the hate. There will still be memories and pictures and living in the moment.

If we make it that far.

I realize some people just cannot grow, though. And maybe we'll be a couple that grows apart. I accept this fate, if it's inevitable. I believe everyone is compatible, yes, but I also believe that life isn't a puzzle...it's not a game...it isn't "first comes love, then comes marriage," it isn't...so limiting.

It's a classroom. It's a book that you're writing, not one that's been written.

Don't respond if you can't. If you're incapable...if your ego is so ready to respond rather than listen. Because you believe I point fingers when you have no idea who you're talking to. Yesterday taught me that I'm a piece of a puzzle. I'm just a tool to be used.

I won't be that. And I never will be. I never was, either. Hence why I have a lot of life experience and no toleration for a fucking coin to tell me what to do. It's a perfect analogy, and yesterday proved to me how little you know me.

I hope you find better company. I truly want you to be happy. But if you respect a fucking PENNY more than me...then I accept that. Love you unconditionally. But we've grown apart if that's the case. And it's time to live like we're apart.

Otherwise...togetherness is the goal, and I'm someone who can make you better (and you believe you make me better...which I realize you don't feel that you do...but ask yourself if I'm a better dad now than I was when we first started seeing each other...if I'm in a better place than in the beginning...if I'm able to travel more than being alone...if I can better afford to provide for my life, and not just make a living)...

This is a neverending letter to you. But it's to get you to think, not to get you to respond. (I'll copy/paste this to the beginning just to know I'm being heard)

Hopefully you're able to...hear me...see me...
...and hopefully I can hear you and see you. And I hope you teach me how my ideas could be better, too. Hopefully you see that our home grows into US...and that's what time does. That's what empathy does.

Being in love = time+empathy. That's my formula. Since you've been in my life, I've added gratitude to this formula. So thank you for that. I'm excited to see how much it changes as we grow. Whether together...or apart.

Again, a "response" is a defense and an egotistical explanation.

Sent right after:
You don't owe anybody an explanation. You're either accepted or you're not. Here, you're accepted. Talking about yourself is unnecessary. Talking about love and togetherness...is encouraged.

Her response, proving we were done:

Living in a democracy part makes no sense to me.
Ego is self-esteem and self importance. The idea was literally just to take a penny and see where it takes us. This really isn’t that deep. I wanted to do something cute and something fun. The idea wasn’t accepted. Just because I didn’t come up with it myself, doesn’t mean that it’s not a cute idea. I’m not very creative unless it’s coloring. So I have to look up date ideas. It’s perfectly okay to do so. I’m a romantic. I like to live my life as if it’s a god damn movie. And THAT IS OKAY. It’s being naive at heart and that is okay too. Who cares if I’m 70 years old and still want to build a fort. That’s what makes life fun. Keeping that child like wonder makes life fun.

There was nothing tender about what you were saying yesterday. It was mean and degrading.

I didn’t “hate the vacation” I didn’t like Miami. The only reason why I agreed was because it was a bucket list. I wanted to go to NOLA.

I don’t play the “I love you most” you started that back up. And you’re the one that says that when I say “I love you”.

People have hate. You have hate. Cops for example. Your hatred for them (you’ll probably say oh I don’t hate. That’s bullshit.) is overwhelmingly and frankly really annoying.

You don’t have to go to Michigan with me. I’m going to see my family and my family only. I didn’t grow up with them, I barely know them. I’m taking my own life into my hands and going to see them. I was never taken to see them.

I am listening. Where is this acceptance when I’m having a bad day or when I’m anxious? Why am I meant to exclude myself from life just because of a bad day or a disorder that I can’t control?

Why not allow a coin to control one single part of your life? Let go and live a little. You don’t have to be so controlling of everything. It’s living IN the moment.

The only reason why you have more life experience is because you’re older than me. I’ve experienced a LOT in my short life.

All I’m trying to do is get you to have a little less control and all yourself to roll down the windows and blare music and sing terribly. Not know where you’re going and get lost! Embrace wanderlust.

As far as your ideas, embrace mine as well. Follow blindly once in a while. If you say jump, I say how high. Why can’t it be the same for you.

You are a better dad, but I don’t personally believe it’s all due to me.

My response :

Clearly, this is fucking bullshit that once again needs a response and not offering solutions. I'll sleep on the couch again tonight.

I'll respond for the hell of it, but clearly you're NOT about to listen. But I'll respond to each thing, so you know you're heard.

You:
Living in a democracy part makes no sense to me.

Me: It means two heads are better than one. We both make decisions, not just you or just me.

Ego is self-esteem and self importance.

Me: Ego is a good thing when it's healthy. But if your ego is out to pounce on someone else's, or your ideas are always superior and cannot take criticism...is this healthy?

I wanted to do something cute and something fun.

Me: You didn't, though, did you? As soon as I made a suggestion, even asking if I was going to get myself in trouble...like "am I not allowed to make a suggestion here?" You were all ego. And it wasn't even YOUR idea! That boggles my mind.

"I'm not creative."

Me: Yeah, no shit. But I am. If you have an idea...I run with it. I didn't discount your "idea" (not an idea, it was a damned coin). I just provided end points...like a photo shoot or trying new things. You know, spontaneity. A coin isn't spontaneity. It's frivolous. Like buying shit at the check-out counter (shit is there just for that reason).

"Keeping that child like wonder makes life fun. "

Me: Yeah, this is the purpose of life! But making a coin take you places is literally EXACTLY the opposite.

"There was nothing tender about what you were saying yesterday. It was mean and degrading."

Me: Guess this is a point you're not gonna be heard on, since once again, you're offering no evidence.

"I didn’t “hate the vacation”

Me: "I hated Miami." - Brittnay Ahmed, 2.23.2021

"I wanted to go to NOLA"

Me: That was an option. We talked about it. You somehow agreed to Miami while we were talking about Tulum, Mexico. You and I BOTH decided Democratically.

"I don’t play the “I love you most” you started that back up. And you’re the one that says that when I say “I love you”. "

Me: You COMPLETELY missed my point. Astounding ego you have there. My point was what "I love you more" means...not to point fingers at you, but I see RIGHT HERE how you believe everything is about pointing fingers. Loud and clear, you're heard on this point.

"People have hate."

Me: Grow up, Corrie.

"Cops for example."

Me: I hate what cops do, I don't hate people. I hate RESPONDING rather than having a thought-provoking grown-up conversation, too. There's points against me for being degrading, but I literally asked to be heard and not responded to. You disrespected me, which is way worse.

"You don’t have to go to Michigan with me."

I support this fully. Lemme know if I'm invited to NOLA someday, but I'd plan that vacay with someone else if I don't get to help plan what we do there.

"I am listening. "

Me: You're responding, and I've proved that (see: my point about "I love you more")

"disorder that I can’t control? "

Me: Not a crutch. Also not an excuse to be egotistical. You're already stuck in your ego and "for the moment" bs...so either I help you out of that...or I don't. Apparently, I can't.

"Let go and live a little."

Living for the moment is literally a coin flip. Living in the moment is being aware of the next, which is destroyed by a coin. If you need someone who wants to just live FOR the moment some times, I encourage you to go find someone. It'll be fun. Get drunk and high, too, and get all tattooed up. Who cares, right?

"I’ve experienced a LOT in my short life. "

Me: Nobody's saying you haven't. Good for you! Keep it up.

"Embrace wanderlust."

Me: After the Miami trip, I have...NOTHING...nice to say about this one with you. But for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE take your own words to heart.

"You are a better dad, but I don’t personally believe it’s all due to me."

Me: If it was all due to you, I wouldn't be my own person, would I? But I'd be different if you weren't here, wouldn't I? I'm independent, I realize...but I still embrace change, as roughly a process as I make it. But you're a proponent IN that change...STOP trying to make things all about you!

How are you MORE narcissistic after being with me? Fuck...I really think that my opposition to narcissism is triggering you. GTFO if this triggers you. Please. I am NOT compatible with narcissism...nor do I follow blindly. Not my style.

"If that “response” is considered egotistical, then so be it. I’ll know I haven’t been heard."

It was absolutely egotistical, really focused on you and your hate rather than us and our love. I'm truly ashamed of my own efforts. But at least you know you were heard, as I've responded to each of your responses, which you chose to do rather than actually work towards progress. So share my words with others and cry on their shoulders since you can't think for your self. It's all about YOU YOU YOU when you do that, btw...cuz you're talking to people who don't even KNOW ME. Therefore, they don't know US.

I don't give a shit about sympathy, I would ALWAYS be a hardass, because I don't care about anything but the truth. And if you're stuck in a fantasy (or stuck with a damned coin), then I'm NOT the guy for you. Had you been like "hey, maybe we can plan a day in the future where we don't plan the day and just let a coin decide where we go," there would have been a more democratic discussion...maybe that could have been us at 70 with nothing better to do...but it's out of my element. My passion for "wanderlust" is extreme...I'm a simple guy, and I don't ask for shit...but empathy is required in a relationship, and I had to FIGHT TO KEEP MY CHILD this weekend with you.

Maybe you're not up for a relationship?

Sent after:
If you just respond again, by the way...I will not.

Her:

I think we need to talk when I get home.

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“On Read” - July 6th, 2020
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What Ended Things - 2021-02-27
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