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“On Read”
July 6th, 2020, 1:03 pm

WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.

Written July 6, 2020:
After breaking up...over leaving her “on read.”
She felt she wasn’t a priority, wasn’t getting enough affection or words of affirmation.

“Love is nothing without action.”
“Trust is nothing without proof.”
“And ‘sorry’ is nothing without change.”

Let’s think about this...

I’ve been thinking about therapy and how a counselor might coach me...and what I’m imagining is simply taking time every single day just to make you feel loved...for a start.

No tv, no phones, no priorities except us.

Now...why hasn’t this been a solution already? (Even if it was when we began) I believe it’s because of the willingness for FIGHTS
(this will be the theme of my overall text here...the goal is affection, while giving up the fighting...and no fingers pointed here, I recognize my willingness to escalate fights between us)
and I define FIGHTS as: the willingness to look for hate, attacks, opposition, divisiveness, hostility...as if it’s taken for granted that I’m intentionally pushing you away (or vice versa: as if you’re intentionally pushing me away in reaction).

When Chan’s here, the time specifically for each other is minimal. He’s the priority. Maybe this is a disqualifier for my worthiness in this relationship. Like usual, would we have to depend on when he goes to sleep? Or somehow it’s he and I that just focus on you? Like that one day he and I just held you and then hugged your legs. I dunno. I think over the next few nights we could brainstorm what happens when he’s here. But it’d still take forgiveness and mercy on your part to get to this point. I realize that’s a lot to ask for. It isn’t easy. But it could be simple (worth it). Especially during the bad days.

But the GOAL would be to avoid “non-affection.” Do you agree that avoiding non-affection can be our focus? A focus on affection. Through love and acceptance...

In those terms, I’ll repeat myself and say “anti-affection” (FIGHTS) is my issue...what, from my view, feels like hate...those times when there’s anger, bad attitudes, annoyance, irritation, etc etc...

Which happens to me too! I have bad attitudes, bad days, bad weeks, bad back, bad sleep...

So in this moment, what I’d like you to consider is where I’m full of shit. Honesty first. A problem I have with religion is wishful thinking, and yet I’m just as susceptible to the idea, just as willing to use wishful thinking like I did when I was a kid. I can’t lie...I’m avoidant. And when I feel there’s something to avoid (FIGHTS), that’s when I become physically distant, and mentally, too. I blame the fights, that’s all, fingers pointed at myself, too. Before the fights, I not only felt welcoming...but I felt welcomed. This is exactly where you’re stronger than me...when I’m escalating an argument, you’re still willing to be loved. And I’m not. I know I’m not. And I know I won’t change in this way...when we fight, I will be distant. That’s my nature. It takes time after that, time where too often, resentment builds up rather than withering away.

If that’s a disqualifier for me, where you deserve better, I support your feelings. I want you to be happy.
I’m weak here, feeling unqualified to de-escalate like a gym teacher can disrupt some kids throwing punches at each other.

I think that’s where you do deserve better.
Someone more submissive.
Someone who doesn’t argue to “win.”
Someone who is quick to forgive and forget? You know that’s me. I move on, even ignorantly so. I’m just not as tender about it as you are. I’m not quick to revert back to affection, back to how we used to be, after hostility.

I know I’m NOT willing to take you for granted in those moments, at least...to the extent that I don’t feel I’d be deserving of your arms around me (even if I know better, as I usually am...again, that’s where you’re stronger, always willing to be affectionate).

So...as I’ve said, I just want peace. Affection for peace is a good deal, but this isn’t a business transaction. If you want a relationship just to win fights, this isn’t going to work. I’m honest about my willingness to argue and debate...But if getting your needs met is the goal, all I’m really saying is FIGHTS aren’t the way to get there. If my focusing on affection is a good start, we can go from there, but we cannot grow from there...through FIGHTS. That rots the foundation below us, and my goal is peace from a foundation of acceptance...towards the ultimate feeling that affection is always welcome. Always. And forever.

This is love, where we have to be accepting and trusting. Trusting that I don’t want to hurt you. But...when you feel hurt...what do we do then? Again, I don’t want to lie and say “Oh, I’ll work you through it,” because obviously my methods haven’t been working. Maybe I’m not qualified on this basis alone. Uncertainty here. I don’t know.

But if we rule out FIGHTS, I’d be willing to work. I believe affection would simply be natural. We could substitute calm debate and peaceful argument...a proper impassioned discussion over beers or milkshakes or even healthy smoothies. Fighting is just one method I just know won’t work for me. Even if your intentions with a fight isn’t hate, my weakness mistakes your intentions for hate.

Now...back to the beginning of this letter...

“Love is nothing without action.”
Love transcends time and space and survives after death. Hate, however, is nothing without action, and acting on hate is a detriment to love. Love is limitless. It is always present, felt and believed even when we are not together, even when we are asleep. Acceptance, a feeling of peace, is the foundation on which love is built.

“Trust is nothing without proof.”
Definitely not something to be taken for granted, always something to be earned. This is the foundation of all true friendships.

“And ‘sorry’ is nothing without change.”
I can’t promise change (or at least constant awareness) ...but I’ll always be honest with you. I’ll always be true to you. I’ll
never leave as long as you’ll have me. I’m sorry I’m not better or more vigilant or believe in texting as a most important way of communicating...there’s too much ambiguity...but I see ways we can be stronger, and this is my entire purpose of writing. As long as there is hate, there can be no love. I refuse to hate, and I think you do, too. This is what we need to cast out...to do away with...to eliminate...

I say we choose love.
I say in love, anything is possible.

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