December 14, 2021
Letter taken to Hopdoddy’s to talk about it. She didn’t understand it, and once I introduced the idea that it’s cryptic (even though I literally wrote in between the lines to establish meaning)...that’s how the letter would be remembered. I said that it’s probably good that it’s somehow too cryptic to even discuss because I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t when writing to her. Nothing is heard or understood.
Last paragraph to a letter meant to be charming and funny about how writing a letter comes naturally to me...but I don’t force it. I let the point build, talking about a woman wanting God to exist and using a “miracle” to prove him. Her sister died, and she wanted so badly to see her again in an afterlife. I couldn’t cry, though...surely a narcissist’s trait...but damn, if that wasn’t more likely taken to be a wrong as opposed to me pointing out how I felt wrong about it.
I was questioning why I wasn’t crying (and actually laughing at this poor woman, who was calling into an atheist radio show and being told she’s wrong and will never see her sister again...even though the guys are really respectful about it). And I was looking internally as if there’s a battle between my elephant and rider (I was reading “The Happiness Hypothesis” at the time, Dec 14 2020).
“It’s hard to trust our own intuition (elephant), let alone someone else’s. Our own reason (the rider) can oftenlike be false. This is why...well, another letter could explain it more...but our principles are everything. I love you because I can be me, I can stick to my principles without sacrifice. My hope is that you can, too. This is the strength of being in a good relationship. That’s my point. Love, Christopher”
These were the notes to the letter that we never even got around to discussing.
Part two of letter - yeah, basically...if you can’t stick to your standards. Your principles. It’s dishonest to continue a relationship if you can’t. You’re lying to me. You’re lying to yourself. That’s where you deserve better. We’re strong in relationships when we can be true to our selves. And we’re weak otherwise. I just want you to be honest. I just want you to be happy.I don’t remember the fight about Martone, but I remember that was the first time I thought we need to break up, I have to get out of a relationship with someone who can be so hateful. Hate isn’t “below” my standards, but hating a person or people is. Treating someone with hate is. But I just don’t believe you’ve crossed that line...and importantly, I don’t think you really could. Oh, we can all do hateful acts...but would you? It’d take something awful to get you to cross that line. Didn’t take your mom long...didn’t take very much at all, actually. It’s as simple as personality. And defending her...man, that’s disturbing. But it’s not wrong for you to sympathize with her. I’m not in a relationship with her. She may be your support system, and I wouldn’t want to have a child that would need her as a part of her support system...so I won’t. That’d betray my standards, my principles, my everything. Getting married...never made sense to me. Simple as that. But...if it wasn’t about the legality and the government...I’m not opposed to it, nor am I opposed to the commitment (would have broken up after taking down decorations if that were the case). This letter was about false consolation and removing it...by not lying to ourselves. Don’t lie to your self. The intro was a warning that you’ll need to think about the point. Be aware...of what I’m saying, not just that I’m saying words. Asking who I am...to you. And asking who I am...to others. Because who I am to them...can influence who I am to you...IF you’re looking for any consolation. Even if it’s false. We can’t wait for a miracle. No such thing will come. And I purposely left out her “miracle” to make this point. No “miracle” exists...even if I told you what she thought was a miracle.
At home, later, we fairly made up, talking about kids and the future. I didn’t want kids. It was against my principles to have children with someone with no true real support system (although she’d say her mom would be there for us no matter what). Like, she’ll change her mind about me if we have a baby? Gross.
I want Brittnay to have kids and a marriage and a life (writing this Feb 2021, waiting for Kristina to walk around Old Settler’s Park, Round Rock).
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