Last night...
The Night Of Regrets
Well, yesterday was Monday. Monday's are bad because you start a whole new week of school. I actually like Monday's though. On Monday's, I watch all the good stuff on TV. "Everybody Loves Raymond" is my favorite TV show. I must watch that show. Ray is so me when I grow up. That's me with a wife and kids though. I've read his book and I have heard his comedy.
Here I am, on the fricken Honor Rule. Actually my Dad made it clear last night that it was an honor system. Its still not doing a whole lot though.
I was talking to a girl named Chelsey today in my Global Studies class. She got a bad grade on her report card, and before she could get her report card to get rid of it, her Dad saw it. So she isn't allowed to Instant Message right now either, but she can watch TV and all of the other good stuff. I can't watch TV.
That just shows that my Dad is the harsh one, but he tries really hard to make me think that this is not a punishment and that I will thank them (my parents) when I am older. Yeah, I will definitly thank them, trust me.
Anywho, in "Everybody Loves Raymond," Ray's 40 year old brother is finally getting married again.
I told my Mom that I could not miss it, and that I was going to watch it no matter what. I guess that was a bad thing to say, because my mother went downstairs and unhooked my TV and my VCR.
She reacted like the time I threatened suicide by jumping out my window! Back then, she moved my huge desk in front of my window while my Dad took me out for a drive. I used to have my bedroom in the upstairs of the house. I am now in the basement. I would never have killed myself though. I'm too scared. I never will, promise.
So, I finished on the computer and walked downstairs to watch Raymond and I saw that she was taking my TV away. I was so pissed. I can't describe how I felt in the two seconds that I noticed my TV was gone. It was a helluva lot more than anger, and it was just nothing like I had ever felt before, dissapointed, stupid, and killer. I wanted to hit her. I thought about it, but I would never, and she knows I would never hit her, and I hate that. My Mom isn't scared of me, and I guess she shouldn't be. Instead I used words, but I yelled them and they came worse than what I would ever want.
I told her that I wanted her out of my basement. Then I said "What the hell do you think you are doing?"
That's cursing to my Mom. She said that she was taking away my TV because I was going to watch Raymond.
I didn't hear her say all of that because I interupted her with "I don't give a SHIT! GET OUT!"
Then I stuck up my middle finger, and asked her if she could see that I was pissed off, and that it was a good idea to get out. I held my finger there for a long time. I needed to break something. I picked up a pencil that I had been using and threw it against the wall, and it shattered into pieces. Seriously. It made me feel better though, and that is why I threw it.
I went into my room and realized that I had screwed up. What the hell was I thinking??????
I yelled my fuck's and dammit's in my room, alone.
Then, after she had left, I took a shower. That felt really good. I had never yelled at my Mom before. I mean cursed. I've yelled before, but definitly not that bad. That was really bad for me.
After my nice steamy shower, I turned on my radio. Yup, I can hear Raymond on my radio too. I should have just done that. Later though, I was going to miss Jay Leno because I can only get him on my TV. That pissed me off. His show is best on Monday's because of headlines. I have to go check out the headlines for last night online now.
Later, Dad came to my room, after Raymond was over, and I was just laying on my bed listening to the show after that. Dad knocked on the door, and I let him in. He told me that I had hurt Mom, and asked if I knew how much I hurt Mom sometimes.
Mother Fucker.
I bit my tounge, hard.
What I did to her? What the fuck did I do to her that was as important to have Dad come and talk to me? I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to sleep.
Dad told me that Mom only wants my grades to be better, and so that I will be happy with my future. MY future.
Why do they want to help my future, because they sure as hell are not going to be apart of it.
Perhaps I just answered my own question.
I screwed up last night by swearing at Mom. I shouldn't have. I'm a son of a bitch.
This has been the worst week, and its only Tuesday. When, not if, but when I get my grades up this diary is going to kick ass. This diary will be a lot more fun to read, but right now, these numbers, my grades, control my life. I am really not enjoying high school.
I am so calm today though. Today was a good day.
I talked to another friend yesterday, Ashli, and she is really bored with her life. She said that I haven't been as happy at school. She noticed that I have not been happy at school. I think I have. I've tried to be happy at school. That was a weird conversation I had with her. She wanted me to make her laugh like I used to. She wanted me to tell sick jokes like I used to.
This week will end, and I will have good grades by next week. I hope. Perhaps I will go through this next week too. It will end some day.
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