Time flies...I spent the afternoon (afterschool) with Vicky. I almost fell asleep, and she did. I could be doing nothing in the world with her, and time will fly away. I'm starting to think that time doesn't fly, whoever made that saying? Haha, I KNOW time doesn't speed up, I only think that time slows down. Since then, I have gone totally blank in my mind, its like I've awaken a couple weeks ago in Vicky's arms and nothing has happened for a long time. Then I put on my school bag and walked home wishing I could be with Vicky.
Okay, haha, I know what to talk about...
Lets pretend this is where my entry starts:
Yesterday, Wednesday, I went to see my therapist. I talked to her about my Dad, Papa, and the Fat One. Everything seemed to link back to "the Honor System." I told Mom that I would never forget the Honor System. "It was your father's idea."
She was scared I wouldn't like her or something.
I talked about how Dad manipulated me, and how he does it so quietly that it makes me sick. He works with people, he's the guy who chooses where children end up...with their Mom's or their Dad's. He knows about a lot of people, he's addressed as "Dr. Eidt."
Maybe that job is so stressful that he can't stay that way at home. He can't yell at kids or their parents for getting a divorce. BUT he treated me like shit the most when we were on the CRUISE! Was that a stressful environment?
I told her how I thought Dad was calling up Papa and saying "Oh god, Dad, my life sucks, my life is so stressful, and to top it all off, Christopher isn't doing well in school, that just makes my life hell."
Then I told her about the time Dad called Papa WHILE I was in Florida. I had a gun in my hand and a bunch of bullets on a table (2003-07-01 at 10:35 p.m. - Storytime: Papa and the gun). My therapist's eyes were wet. I almost started crying, but couldn't. I cannot cry with her, but to help myself, I told her that I almost started crying when I saw Papa's face. My eyes were hurting so bad in her office yesterday. I just couldn't cry. The memories though, and everything I was saying, violently linked back to the Honor System. Then I told her, I explained everything again, in about 20 minutes, that everything linked back to then. My sister, teasing me over my grades because she had MY TV in her room because of the Honor System.
My therapist, named Roxanne, started crying and when I looked at her face a while later, after I said everything again, and it seemed like she had just seen a violent murder. I think my therapist likes talking to me because I do most of the talking. I like seeing her reactions most of the time. She says a lot, she�s a great person, but I had never seen her like this before. She told me that I needed to email or talk to Papa and tell him that I miss him and that I want thing to be like they used to. Back when he would take me to �Wal Marts� and buy me anything I wanted. Back when I would act like a comedian making fun of the spelling of �Tyme� in Fun Tyme. �How fun could it be if the place can�t even spell?� (Roxanne laughed at that harder than I had ever seen her laugh). I wanted to talk to Dad, to make him feel like crap, and so I don�t feel worse after I talk to him. I usually feel bad after talking to him, after trying to make HIM feel bad because I yell at him, I get rid of anger, and bring in hate. I asked her �How can I talk to Dad? I want to make him feel a little of what I�m feeling.�
She told me to start everything I say to him with �I.� Vicky says to start with �I feel.� Roxanne said �Say I feel like you are doing this and that and its making me feel like shit.�
I had never heard Roxanne swear before.
The session was good, and I was SO happy after I had left there. I didn�t talk to Mom on the ride home, except to tell her that I appreciated and thanked her for letting me go see �Seabiscuit.� I had asked her before if I could go. The movie was okay, but nothing I want to buy. It was a little emotional, but it had one of those really great feel-good endings. I love those kinds of movies. I like those endings. There was a lot of horse racing too, and that�s something I don�t see often. It was very enjoyable. I think the only other horse racing movie I can think of is �Mary Poppins.�
I�m writing this entry in Word, and I just got offline because Dad needed the phone. Well, whenever I get offline, the automatic dialer kept coming on, and just now, when I didn�t click �Stop Redial� quick enough, Dad could hear me dialing the internet when he was on the phone. He yelled at me, with his friend listening. He sounded way too furious. This was just now. I cannot fucking control the computer�s redial! I cannot control it! He�s stopped talking to me unless he has a reason to talk to me. �Christopher, empty the dishwasher� �Get off the computer.� He�s mad. The other night when he came back from visiting with my teachers, he just would not talk. I was doing well, and he doesn�t fucking give a shit. If I were doing bad, I would have lost out of friends, DEFINITLY the computer, TV, and my bedroom would be moved upstairs.
My life changed the most when I moved downstairs in the basement. I am thankful for that and could not live otherwise. Upstairs, where it smells like the Fat One, and is as dirty as hell, and has clothes all over the place, and where my window can never lock because it has some gross stuff on it. That time of my life was hell, and that would be the most fucked up life if I went back up there. I could not live like that.
I have no encouragement. I don't need it...obviously.
GOOD GOD, you should hear Dad on the phone right now, I�ve NEVER heard him this happy in his whole fucked up LIFE!! Ha, �fucked up� life. He�s a grown up, he can drive away, he has a cottage up north, he goes to MSU football games every weekend, he fucks up MY life. He�s a flaw in my life. Not the only flaw, because the Fat One was my only flaw for the longest time.
When I�m not around my family, I am better, I am much better, I cannot get mad. I am having fun, having a life. I�m with friends. Today was a good day. I made my own dinner, Macaroni and Cheese, not as good as Vicky and I make it, but maybe its just because I�m home, and not with Vicky.
Two days ago, Mom told me we were going up north. This was after she said we�d go shopping for homecoming. This was Dad�s one weekend from being at a football game, and he wanted to go up north, so I went to all my friends who I had plans with on Saturday or Sunday or maybe Friday and told them that I was going up north and was screwing up my weekend. So, in much better news, my friends, readers, I have a quote from Dad that I just overheard him saying on the phone: �Yeah, we were supposed to go up north this weekend, but [the Fat One] has a game and Christopher doesn�t want to go and Diana wants to be with her friends.� So, we�re NOT going up north anymore! I am so excited about that!
�The Fat One,� Chels said the other day that she forgot my sister�s name, and called her the Fat One. I found that very funny, but I�m sure anyone else would have thought that was sick. �The Fat One� is like Voldemort. People in the Harry Potter series call that guy �He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.� This is a different kind of name, but is still similar. I�m a very cruel person.
School is going AWESOME, it seems easy so far, and if I just do my work, then I understand it, if I pay attention, then I can do my work, If I�m awake, then I can pay attention, and all I have to do is wake up in the morning. Going to sleep around 12:00am and waking up around 7:00am is enough sleep for me. Last night I couldn�t fall asleep until 1:00am. No reason, but I woke up again at 4:00am. I was like �Okay, I�m not sleepwalking.�
Usually when I wake up, I am actually sleeping or totally awake. Its weird like that, but this time I was like �Omigod, I could never go to school right now.�
Some people go to sleep around 9:00pm. I�m getting home from friend�s houses at that time. Well, I was last year, this year I�m home at 6:30pm. Damn parents� rules. I have no homework; I have nothing to do�Phuquitol.
Extremely Random Quote of the Day that I couldn�t just help but laugh at: �I like Yorkshire Terriers. They�re good to wash your car with. They fit right in the bucket, which is good. Hold your breath. �Swoosh.� Then you go get a blow dryer, put a stick up their butts and dust the furniture.� �Billiam Coronal. That�s a great name, �Billiam.� He�s taking the nickname and combining it with his full name.
Song of the Day: �No Son of Mine� by Genesis.
No Son Of Mine
Genesis
The key to my survival
was never in much doubt
the question was how I could keep sane
trying to find a way out
things were never easy for me
peace of mind was hard to find
and I needed a place where I could hide
somewhere I could call mine
I didn't think much about it
till it started happening all the time
soon I was living with the fear everyday
of what might happen at night
I couldn't stand to hear the
crying of my mother
and I remember when
I swore that, that would be the
last they'd see of me
and I never went home again
they say time is a healer
and knew my wounds are not the same
I rang the bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he'd say
He sat me down to talk to me
he looked me straight in the eyes
He said:
You're no son, no son of mine
You're no son, no son of mine
You walked out, you left us behind
and you're no son, no son of mine
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