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Break up Journal # 3
2011-02-21,
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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Like most mornings now...I wake up to Kasey getting txt after txt.
She deserves better than the "us" we were. She'll find it anywhere. There are better guys. There are always better men. It's a negative outlook but I can't help but think about it. I need help detaching myself from her. I feel like crying. The other night I cried hard as if it was that first week again with my parents.
Why is is so easy to lose hope?
Stay positive.
Here's why:
Jealousy is when you have something and want nobody else to have any of it.
Envy is when you don't have something and don't want anybody else to have any of it.
Envy is a deadly sin.
I assure myself that I would rather Kasey be with someone else.
I just want to know.
I want to control my imagination.
Do I delete her from my life?
Do I do that to punish her? Or me?
Do I move in with Brandon?
Do I move in with parents?
Do I commit to anything?
Apartment?
Do I join support group?
Do I try to fuck girls?
Do I look?
Do I get drunk, go out, living with a friend, try to have fun, work all day, make money...?
Do I look for a way out of this life?
Granted, change has always been uncomfortable for me...but I asked for it, and Kasey is strong enough to give it to me. So why do I want to know if she's interested in a virgin?
Why is it all about sex with me? I can't stop thinking about it. I want to check her out. I want to look at her ass. I want to feel her tits. Will another guy appreciate her body? She is hott and that might be what makes this so hard.
He won't be turned on by her undies.
He will think underwear is too big or too tiny.
One breast bigger than the other.
He won't masturbate just looking at her.
He will always be behind her after she gets vibrator.
They will have a kid accidentally.
Then she will be happy.
And stuck.
He will be stuck.
Not the way it should be.
How can her mom respect her?
She loved me. She loved us. 3:25pm
In this moment I know I deserve better. I know I can find better. If she were to want me back, it would be hard, but I would know better. She is a liar. She is lazy. She is loving, but that is all she is. She is not in love. And neither am I. 9pm
Brandon called.
We just need to have fun in life. He may not be a relationship guy, but I know he might end up alone. being single is a scary thing. Musical chairs.
Kase's mom is right. We are young. This might just be what I need to experience. I plan to embrace opportunity, but only what presents itself, as hard as I may look.
Kasey wants me to look.
Plan: Get new jobs. Make as much money as I can. Get apartment. Live on couch. I have a friend who is willing to put up with me. This is meant to be. We're newly single at the same time.
No regret.
I am in God's hands, and I pray He guides me.
Amen.
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