"Most of the time you won't even get a first chance."
For better or worse.
In the relationship I always lived one day at a time. I didn't think about my future. I didn't worry about going to school or working towards being a better man. I wasn't thinking.
I just want her thinking.
Love has made me blind. Love has made me weak.
We went to see "Hall Pass" tonight.
This was after going out to eat. She asked me out. We went to La Cocina.
She wanted to know what my parents thought about all this...asking me many ques-
Walking around the mall I asked her about sex. She says she's a sexual person "Whether you believe me or not." She's not opposed to having sex. This to me is immature Kasey. She will take what she can get. She will do what she wants.
Ex boyfriends have become strangers to her. She frequently wonders what they're doing, but she doesn't care. While she isn't opposed to anything in life, she doesn't believe in second chances.
Aaron was her first. She cried for days over him. However, she doesn't believe she was ever in love with him. This may prove the duct tape theory.
Fresh love is like a new piece of duct tape.
The first time you rip it off, it really fucking hurts.
The next time, it doesn't hurt as bad.
Also doesn't stick as well.
I should have known this or learned it sooner. I should have protected myself. But everything happens...
It feels good to be wanted. Even when you have no need for it. Especially when you have no need. But we don't appreciate what we don't need.
After Aaron was Everett. She says that relationship was all sex at first. I asked her if she would have sex without love. "I have before." Sex may be later realized as potential for something more, of course. Of course, he was sleeping around on her. I don't believe this hurt her. One thing about the movie was the main couple didn't talk. The last scene was Owen Wilson telling his wife she was his first, telling her the exact date and time. She then told him he wasn't her first. "Well, words do hurt."
The movie was all about wanting to feel desired. Not wanting their wives to think they need them to get laid. In the end it was like having a second chance. The "Hall Pass" lasted a week and everyone had a chance to get laid.
Who doesn't enjoy feeling wanted?
That's what we take for granted.
Kasey asked what I wanted. Maybe I had a chance to make it work. My last chance.
CJ showed no emotion, let her take her things while he laid on his bed. He cried, but did nothing. Two days later he wanted her back. It was too late.
Kasey doesn't believe in second chances.
The next guy gets one chance.
She will not tolerate the bad days. Not if they last.
She doesn't like that she got too comfortable with our relationship.
She would never get her man's name tattoo on her.
She doesn't believe in forever.
She wants the ring...but what girl doesn't?
She wants a wedding...but that's the dream, isn't it?
Maybe I need a girl who would get my name tattoo on her body.
If she doesn't think that's a good idea at first...I will prove her wrong.
Not ask "Why not?"
Kasey and I are not meant to be.
I want it. I hate that I do.
...and I know better.
Admittedly, if she wanted me back, I hope I would be strong enough to say we shold just be friends. I will move out. I will take what's mine and what I got for us. This might destroy the friendship.
Or she will take away the potential for friendship to punish me.
Hold that grudge...I don't care.
Tonight was a great night, though...and the most painful. I keep falling in love over and over. I believe in second chances. I believe in not giving up. I believe in forever.
Why is nothing theraputic anymore?
I have a headache all night.
I believe it is wrong to pursue love...but my heart needs it.
There are half hearts. This is me. I am a broken heart, but my half heart always needed Kasey's half. It just needed to break so that I could fix it. Kasey's heart is whole. I need to become a whole heart. One who loves himself. Then I need to find another whole heart. My broken heart won't be compatible with others.
Kasey is not the most outgoing person. She will always be Kasey. Not a drinker. Not a partier. Not someone who will fuck any random person. She will pursue and see what she can do. I deserve better than a girl who wants nothing. She may have been perfect for me in what she wants but she needs to grow up first. She is immature wanting me out so quick and to move on so fast. Tonight she was adult about conversation but she isn't with her sense of humor. She isn't with symbolism, like in the movie. She is ignorant. Selfish.
"I didn't like it." As soon as we walked out. Dismissed.
Deep down I think she blames herself. She finally admitted she was wrong and stupid about thinking we were going to be happy forever. Well I truly believe she will regret what she is doing now...down the road. Never blaming herself. Never living in the moment.
Why can't I just stop loving that?
She doesn't care what people think.
She is irresponsible.
She is lazy.
I need to go back to therapy.
I need a support group.
I need to meet girls.
I need to forget for a while.
I need to drink.
I need to have fun.
I need to enjoy life.
I need to get high maybe.
Help me, Brandon.
Help me, God.
Give me strength.
Goodnight.
Hours later...
The only reason I believe I am still...in love...is because I owe it to her.
I owe her the ring.
I owe her a chance.
I owe her my love.
It was always meant to be her to push me away in the end.
I am happy that I don't have temptation.
Just because I am monogamous does not mean I should settle.
I will take what is mine and what I got for us.
Whatever is left behind I owe her.
Whatever I take she owes me.
She always wanted a house. I just hope this doesn't screw me.
Life is meant to live.
She doesn't have a life.
She will always lie to herself to make her happy.
I can't live with that.
She is lazy.
I pity the fool who falls in love with her.
If she doesn't want to do the friend thing...I do not care.
If she takes whatever she can get...I do not care.
Pamela raised a strong girl. Pamela is alone. I do not care.
It doesn't matter what I care about.
I will always have hope.
and I will always hope for the best.
For them.
For me.
but where I cannot control...I do not care. It's out of my control.
Thank you, Kasey.
Besides, you owe me on the couch.
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