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breakup journal 15
2011-03-14,
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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She came home. I was out getting turned down to do orientation. Another day with no job. Scary thought. Back of my mind.
She went to the casino. No idea where she slept. Or why she slept there.
She's home...I go out.
Run to the mall...run to read...run to escape...run to be alone...there is nobody else.
I'm standing at FYE now. Take what you can get, Kasey...cuz that's what any guy will do. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me. I thank you for it, no doubt, but I can't wait until I'm over you. You're pathetic. You're weak. You're a child. You're nothing. You and I...We weren't right for each other. I will hate you for what we were. I will delete you. I will find better than you. I will live better than you. I will be happier than you. You will lie to yourself. Ignorance will be bliss because its about what I could have been. It's what I wanted to be...and that's what you don't deserve. Nobody else will have anything to prove to you. You will always be looking. I will thank you for this...and when I do...you will be gone. I will be done. Later...
I just don't like being hated. This is me the whiny bitch, but that's what it is.
I called PetCo.
He answered.
Sounded cool on the phone. Had to check to see if Teddy Bear was still there. Had to check to see if Kasey was still there. She picked up almost immediately. As if he had to check. As if.
Angela says he's a liar.
Tell outrageous stories.
Kasey is only using him to move on. She didn't come home last night. Wasn't home when I got here tonight. I just turned down 30th street knowing she wasn't going to be home. Once is never enough. She'll go back for more.
Teddy Bear was gone.
I called Kasey...if she took him to his place...whatever...her phone was dead.
Called PetCo.
I don't want him to be better than me.
I cried.
I was furious.
Kicked the water bottle across the room.
That was the first I had been angry...in months...
One the phone, she sounded annoyed that I had called. Maybe that made her cool in front of him.
Why am I not over this? Why can't I just...hate...
I want to be gone.
I want to be out.
127 hours...127 hours after that...127 hours later still...
I need a lawyer.
Either she agrees to refinance...or agrees to a short sale...6-12 months...
She will get bored.
He will get bored.
Is love what we have when we don't fight?
No...fight for love.
I would beat the shit out of this kid.
I would kill him.
It wouldn't be about him.
It's my lesson.
Fuck you to Kasey. That's all I want to say.
I don't want vengeance.
I want love.
to be loved.
and there is better out there.
I was never in love with her.
I thought that's what love was.
I thought she was so great but took her for granted.
Now I look back and only see good?
She looks back and only sees bad.
History repeats itself.
She won't evolve.
Maybe she will never be hurt.
Well I hurt her.
So she doesn't deserve to be hurt again.
I was her bad karma.
and losing her was awful on me. I'm still losing her. Even though she is lost. Any woman you have to fight for isn't worth fighting for. There will always be better women. There will always be stronger men. Kasey, you have no idea what this is like.
You don't know what unconditional love is.
You don't know what being in love is.
Having the history and foundation is a sure thing, having something to prove is completely different. Wanting is torture. Needing is torture. Being chained in this house with you is torture. Your hate is torture. There was no reason not to be nice. If acting the way you were had any effect on me it was positive. Giving me something to fight for. Men are naturally competitive. I didn't. I was strong. I know we weren't worth fighting for. Just like you did. I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't worth keeping. That's a fight in itself. But I went about it the wrong way. I took the fight for granted. You were the first I had a responsibility towards. The first I wanted to be stuck with. Not even a few days into the trap, you wanted out. using someone else to get over our relationship. That's torture. While I don't wish this feeling on you or anyone...I know it's good for us.
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