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breakup journal 14
2011-03-13, midnight and later
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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tonight...
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
127 Hours last night.
Tonight...Kasey is out...1 am...2 am...all night I am...alone.
Benefit of the doubt.
Moment of truth.
Take what you can get.
Why do I care?
It's unconditional.
Its strength.
I worry.
I want...to know... Take what you can get, Kasey. With me you could never get whatever you wanted. I didn't spoil you. You needed to make yourself happy. Thinking someone else can fill in the blanks. Nope. They won't be happy with you either. I pity the guy that falls in love with you. I don't believe you will have him for the long run.
I want to know why I was smart enough to not have kinds with her.
Dumb enough to buy this house.
Sign a goddam mortgage.
I am trapped.
I feel trapped.
I could be watching cable...porn on my laptop...in my bedroom with someone who loves me...
If I leave...I have no credit to get anywhere.
If I stay, she may leave. No credit to get anywhere.
Why don't we sell the house?
I could leave. Move in shitty home.
I could wait for her to leave. Brandon moves in.
Then what?
Sell house?
Stupid bitch. She found a way out of the relationship. She would have cheated, and I wish she would have now. Then she wouldn't be the good girl who didn't. Of course, maybe I would have forgiven her then...and we'd be happy now. She's using anger to push me away. Lying to herself, she hates me.
I want out.
I want to live.
I wait it out.
Yesterday was the end of my 2 weeks at Panera.
Tomorrow...orientation...
Drug test.
I pray it goes well.
I drink lots of water.
Kasey wants to smoke weed.
She is easily influenced.
Goodbye Kasey
I need to make sure payments are caught up.
6 to 12 months of them.
She's out having sex. Smoking weed. Getting drunk. Having one night of fun.
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