Me: Addict
2011-08-14, 7:30 pm

Addictions keep us lazy.

Addicts are people who can't help but be distracted from life. That's what medication is...distracts us from pain.

I've decided not to be afraid of anything. Perhaps pain, to me, is embraced. Perhaps I'm not even afraid of being pushed to self-destruction. I refuse to give anybody credit for the push...but blaming myself is going to get fucking old.

She and I are in the car. We just picked up almost $50 worth of stuff for dinner tonight. Mexican...my specialty. We'll not only have the ground beef, but sauteed sweet onions, rice, lettuce, cheese and guacamole.
...and just because the commercials are fantastic (in every sense of the word), Corona beers, imported from Mexico.

"About my sexual comments this morning...
"I want to have sex with you, but not until you're ready, obviously...and I don't care that you're not. I'm happy you're not, I guess. I just want to be everything you need."
"I'm not talking to any other guys."
"It's okay...that's good, but I can't call you mine, and we're not there yet."
"You're different. With you, I don't want to fuck and be done with you."

Suddenly I feel better about my life.

Then I think about Megan for the first time in a long time. She has a fuck buddy that she stopped seeing and refused/turned down while talking to me. Then...talk about sex became toxic. She wanted more than sex...and the tease via fucking txt kinda slowed down...
She blocked me.

I didn't want more...not with her.
There was no connection.

With Kelsey, I'm so sexually attracted to her and so physically attracted to her...I think she wants the emotional attraction as well. However, don't cigarettes keep that away?
Sex becomes a lesser addiction.

I'm addicted to this feeling I have around her.
I'm always excited to see a new txt message...but when it's from her, my heart skips. I feel it.
It's too soon to see anything wrong with her, and I'm terrified if I find something. I feel like the benefit of the doubt will need to be there...constantly...

...but I can tell her anything.
...and she can tell me anything.
She's openly honest...and that's one of my favorite things about her.

I just hate the idea of being addicted to anything.

Going into this...friendship...I know what to expect, right? I know...her history.
So I dismiss so much. When it comes to what I want.
Addictions keep us lazy.
I dismiss drugs and alcohol. They do nothing for me. I dismiss friends. I would rather be with one person than a group.
...now, when the other person is addicted to other things, like, sex, drugs, and rock&roll...
They feel like they need to protect me.

Unfortunate.

I love sex.

I don't mean to look for relationships, but when the person I like might want more than sex, drugs, and rock&roll from me...
...then I get attached.
Life's not fair.
...or is it? We'll see, I guess.

Girls say that I'm different.
...from any other guy.
...I know it's a good thing, but...
...this is why I'm not the guy who can just fuck a stripper and forget her name after I send her home.

So the story about these hickies on my neck...about the stripper I brought home...(I have proof...her bra is in my car (from Deja Vu months ago))...yeah, I don't think anybody is buyin it.

"I burned myself."

Oh, the pain I put myself through...

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