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Couldn't even choose Love.
2017-05-09, 1:42 am
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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You are a terrorist, and you're nothing more than a terrorist. You were power hungry, and your mother taught you to value money and that's why you were so obsessed with even the idea of my having a savings account. You were SO self-centered, always having to worry about some fantasy your mother forced on you...when are we going to get married? When are you going to buy me a house? Why wouldn't you get me a slushie at the movies? Why won't you buy Chandler a toy car for $8?
You wanted me to live in fear.
That was your power.
And I refused.
I didn't want to marry you because you couldn't even CHOOSE to love! You admitted you didn't know it. You admitted you don't even believe everything happens for a reason. If God is love, then you're godless. Your mother is amoral and she had such a grip on your feelings that she just had to get you away from me. She used Memaw to do it. And you tore apart Chandler's family.
You couldn't choose to love.
And you know I'm a good guy.
You know I couldn't hate, and she still tried to manipulate you into thinking you were all loving and I was hateful, and yet you know better.
You know I'm a good person.
You know I'm a good father.
What else do you want in a man?
Money?
Power?
What kind of a human are you? What kind of a person could take away a man's son? What is so wrong with you to treat me like I'm not even human? How can you think I don't care? I questioned you...and you cut me off from communication. You blocked me. The idea of me having feelings at all is upsetting...me being vulnerable is repulsive. When I told you I was devastated in April, you told me I ruined our friendship, and not to talk to you for the rest of the day. Does it make me less of a man to cry myself to sleep over having my son taken away? What kind of a loving mother would take their child away from a loving father? I want you to know the pain...and I want you to know the suffering...but I would never wish this feeling on you. I would never have done this...I would never take the child away from any parent unless there was abuse. And the only abuse was on me...and yet I never played the victim. That was all you. Even going to see your Pastor wasn't good enough because you just wanted me to change, you didn't want to hear "love." You couldn't even choose love.
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