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Cry for Help
2016-09-09, 10:25 pm
WARNING!!!! If you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of reading things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is okay to read, save yourself, and me, the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, I.E. my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. This I hope you keep in mind, and thank you for reading.
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Cry for help:
I was ignorant.
I was so stupid.
I failed to show Corrie what love is.
And now, after deciding to move to Florida for a chance to start a real life together, independent and with many hopes, it was the expectations that drowned me. Love is patient, but Corrie gave Florida no chance and no time. Love is kind, but I was constantly berated for not being able to find a job immediately. Love has no prophecies, but we came here for a house and the proposal was demanded of me.
This isn't love, and I know that, but I wanted it to be for the sake of baby boy...this was unfair to him, but I thought Corrie was capable of love...and it's her mother who admitted she's never had it. She incapable of it, because this world is apparently a hateful and evil place and I didn't believe it...I couldn't. Corrie knows better. I'm not a hateful person. She knows I'm a good person, just not good enough for her. She calls me a great dad and thanks me for being so, but she doesn't feel free to put Chan in front of the tv whenever she wants to...and she's taken him from me and taken Chandler's loving father away from him. A miserable mother is horrible for a baby, and that's what I blamed myself for...for so long. I didn't understand it...but hate is real, evil is real. "I can hate, I'm human!" she snapped at me when I said I wished she wouldn't...I'm incapable of it...even now, as angry as I am, I want to hate, I'm incapable of it...but that's how they see the world. And Chandler was "born from sin," and "he's a sinner," "we're all sinners." She's going to raise him to hate.
Just like her.
Just like her mother.
It's brainwashing. It's negativity. It's hate. It's evil. I'm not the victim and Corrie would love everyone to think she is...but this is a cry for help for Chandler...and I know better than to live with her or trust her (especially with her mother's obsession with my savings account)...so I'm helpless...Chandler is helpless...
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